It doesn't matter to Peter that I spend a considerable amount of my working life with children who have autism and that I'm trained to refer them for autism testing where I deem it appropriate. It doesn't matter to Peter that three therapists have now either directly said that they believe Peter has neurodivergent traits or implied it by referring to a "disconnect." The first therapist we ever met implied it by asking Peter if autism ran in his family.
Peter is adamant that all of us are wrong. He is not autistic. However, when we get into the details of Peter's challenges, he will openly admit to feeling "different," to being hyper-focused on facts and details, to not needing the same level of intimacy that others need, to finding emotions "uncomfortable," to wanting to wear the same clothes everyday, he admits his resistance to change... but Peter will not admit to autism.
At some point, I think that he's developed the belief that an autism label is a negative thing. That autism is a flaw and one in which he can't possibly have. In the last 10 years, Peter's denial has been worse than the autism or ADHD that I believe he also has. I can point out to Peter that he ought to put the meals on the dining table before proceeding to wash up whilst his freshly made meals sit going cold on the kitchen worktop, but he accuses me of being intolerant to his "ways of doing things." He will not ever comprehend that often, things need to be done in a certain order; that meals should be eaten warm and that the washing up comes afterwards. He says I'm controlling.
This has been the worst part for me, knowing that he genuinely believes that I am the problem. The verdicts of the professionals have never made him even consider changing his point of view. I believe that this is the real reason I had to separate from him. I would have accepted the adhd and the autism had he have explored it and been open to finding ways to navigate through life together in a better way. If Peter had sought some help and support, if he had prioritised our relationship. But he never did, instead he prioritised his fragile ego and focuses on preserving the view he has of himself as unflawed and completely functional.
Nobody can work with that, let alone find a way to have a loving relationship.
