I remember a friend telling me years ago how her then boyfriend had been diagnosed with some form of neurodivergence as a child and that his mother used to put a plaster on her head to show that she had a headache. Without the plaster, the headache just didn't exist to him.
Professionals say that people with autism are highly visual and I wonder if our non-committal men struggle to see anything which doesn't take place right infront of their eyes. It's important to acknowledge of course that not all men with autism behave the way that our men do. I believe that a combination self-consuming, regulation-seeking traits of autism, a lack of emotional nurturing growing up and perhaps a genetic predisposition to narcissistic tendencies has created the man I know to be Peter. A bit of ego and male privilege thrown in and you have a concoction made for relationship misery.
I know that some men will openly complain to their wives that they should be doing more during the day time when they're working and their women are child-rearing. I never really had that from Peter, instead I got flippant remarks when I complained to him that I was finding the physical, mental and emotional load of family draining. I was never allowed to complain because Peter had inner beliefs about my role in the family unit and it was clear from the comments, sulking and silent treatment I was given, that he didn't think that I was pulling my weight.
He commented that he did "all the cleaning" because I asked him to vacuum once a week. The cleaning I did, which took place when he was out working, just never happened in his mind. Before he moved out, he would make breakfast for the children each morning and ensure they were dressed for the day. I knew at the time that he was resentful- a lack of eye contact, no hug or kiss in the morning, arguing with the children, crying from them and a sullen look on his face will tell you that, but he didn't say anything. Until one day he complained that he did "everything" in the mornings. I found myself listing all of the other things I did: their hair, clearing up after breakfast, getting bags ready, coats and shoes on, the mile long walk to school with them in all weathers. But because he had already left the house for work by this time and never saw any of it, he genuinely felt that he was "doing everything." He resented my morning showers, the time I spent drying my hair, getting dressed and applying make-up. Around 45 minutes in total.
Then there was the cooking.
He cooked once or twice a week, all other meals were prepared by me and often ready by the time he got home. This wasn't through any request of his, he just happened to walk in at the time I liked to eat our evening meal. Peter was convinced that he did 50% of the cooking. I would even show him the meal planner and point out which meals I had made and which he had (also feeling a little immature for doing so but seeking out some form of acknowledgement and appreciation from him) but it made little difference. As always, Peter was stuck within the confines of his convictions.
Illnesses were always contentious issues as they got in the way of his plans. I was accused of planning intentionally to be ill when Peter had made other plans outside of family life. The anxiety of becoming ill when Peter had plans started making me ill. Little did I realise that I was run down by an undiagnosed autoimmune condition at the time and coupled with breastfeeding and sleep deprivation, I was often ill and needed support at weekends, instead our young, clingy children were lumbered upon me when I needed a break. He treated me like some glorified live-in babysitter.
Sometimes, when I was probably feeling very low and unworthy, I think I believed Peter's perception of me as lazy. He never said it, but made me feel that way because he never acknowledged anything I did or thanked me for it and any expectations I had of him seemed to induce sulking. I was sleep deprived, nutrient deprived, love deprived and I needed more rest than I was getting, but I always felt guilty for it. All of these deprivations were invisible in Peter's world so I am sure he just thought I was taking advantage of him. Perhaps he knew his thoughts were cruel deep down which is why he never voiced them, but he certainly showed them anyway, loud and clear.
Of course every couple has arguments about lack of support, needing more rest and it can become a point scoring exercise at times even for the happiest of couples. But our men are different, they simmer in entitlement and resentment and don't see what we're contributing to family life every day and they certainly don't want to discuss it. The emotional strain, the mental exhaustion and the practicalities which they just don't see because they're not interested enough to know. As cassandras, we are invisible to them. The work we do doesn't exist in their minds.
Feminists are working hard to change the exploitative attitudes that some men have of women, mothers, carers. However, seeing women in their truth is of no benefit to our men at all and do they ever change their perceptions if it doesn't benefit them to do so? The only motivation for really acknowledging and appreciating what we bring to our families would be for a healthy marriage or relationship; is this really high on their priority list? I doubt it. So they continue choosing to be blind to us because ultimately, it is easier for them to not see.
