It's often assumed that men like ours can not empathise, that they don't have the ability to put themselves in another's shoes or feel how another feels, but from the stories we share, this often isn't the case. By "men like ours" I mean the men who make us feel the way they do through their repeated neglect of our emotional, spiritual, mental and physical needs as intimate partners. The men who I am still reluctant to diagnose as anything specifically, as I believe that the key to Cassandra Syndrome is how they make us feel and not a definitive condition or disorder that they may or may not have. We can drive ourselves crazy trying to diagnose them, but the key to knowing what's wrong is within us and their affect on us, not in analysing their deficits.
I remember once watching a documentary with Peter about a man who had criminal and inhumane ideations. He talked of having impulses beyond his own comprehension and disclosed that he had never acted upon them, but wanted professional help in dealing with his thoughts. The impulses he experienced were unnerving to hear, but Peter felt sorry for him- "He can't help it." What sort of person has sympathy for someone with a sadistical, warped mind? I don't think it was empathy, but definitely sympathy and a vibe of... it's not his fault.
Peter can feel an element of empathy but in all the wrong ways. He feels it for those with no self discipline, those who omit responsibility and accountability, those who get swept along mindlessly in risky behaviours. One of this favourite phrases that he uses for lazy or arsehole behaviour is "he/she can't help it." Contrary to popular belief about our men, Peter is absolutely capable of empathy. He however can not feel it for those who are strong enough to speak out about injustice, or take control of their lives, only for those who "accidentally" get swept up in the wrong-doing.
He felt empathy for his family of origin when I challenged them about their negative behaviour towards myself and our child. But he never felt any empathy for me because I had the strength to challenge it. Empathy for our child was limited, because she'd had the audacity to be a child and to challenge his family in ways that children sometimes mildly challenge adults. She had broken the family rules which still limit him and keep him bound, tied and silent to this day. But our child is also my child and she doesn't live by those same rules thankfully. He does not question his own beliefs which means that he is caught up in a habitual, childhood pattern of feeling sorry for those he's been trained to be loyal to.
These men make great misogynists and not through conscious choice but because they make fantastic victims of social conditioning. Peter feels sorry for men when feminists speak out about gender inequality- men mindlessly going about their businees without a thought for gender equality have done nothing wrong in Peter's mind. He once even told me that feminists complaining about patriarchal behaviour exhibited by men are sexist man haters. An interesting take on things. He also calls himself a feminist.
His empathy naturally flows to the accidental perpetrators and away from those who speak up about them. It's ok to do wrong, provided it's done in ignorance or mindlessness or omission.
He is protective of objects over people also, as if it might hurt too much to care for what is really important. I believe that the feelings of love and protection are so strong for him that he almost can't deal with it and so shuts them away and misdirects his feelings instead towards items like phones, keys and purses. Similarly to empathy, love, care and protectiveness manifests in all the wrong places.
I often find myself wondering if they make Cassandras of themselves sometimes, are they forcing down their true feelings and hiding beneath a sea of empathy which they don't fully understand or can manage? Or are they as bad as the perpetrators they empathise with? Are their minds perhaps as warped as we fear they could be? Perhaps truth and good are threats to their impulses and ruthless absorptions and so they can never empathise with what is real and right. Maybe their empathy lingers in shadows, meant for the ones who get caught out because they themselves live in fear of being caught out by reality when the mask slips. I guess we'll never know unless we take a walk in their shoes and no matter how much empathy I can muster, his shoes just don't fit.
