Conditional Love

Finally, I think I'm entering the realms of proper healing and genuine understanding of the situation of my failed relationship with Peter. 

If I'm honest, even when writing this blog, I've often been second guessing myself when describing my experiences, even when I've written adamantly and articulately about Peter so many times. Deep down, I've been often thinking:

-He has good intentions

-He would never hurt anyone on purpose

-He's good deeep down

-Everyone else likes him, it must be me

-He's one of the few good guys around

-He's always apologising to strangers and has low self esteem... it must be me.

Since seeing my life coach, I've had to spend an intense period of time with Peter on a family break which had been booked before the split. I observed him from a whole different standpoint, instead of observing him as a bit helpless and unintentionally anatagonistic, with some naive empathy, I watched him from a safer distance.

I saw how me mocks me regularly when I make a suggestion or share an opinion, sometimes not with words, but with a patronising, egotistical smirk and eye roll. I watched him condescend light hearted thoughts I shared on global news stories when I was trying to keep the conversation civil between us; I felt his derogatory, demeaning persona with a true empathy for my own feelings at last, rather than for his. I watched him blame me for anything that wasn't perfect. I saw an angry, bitter, mysoginistic, mood hoover of a man who will do anything to inflict feelings of unhappiness and unease. 

At some point in our relationship, I broke the rules and challenged his limiting, fucked up beliefs. And I'm still being punished. He hasn't forgotten and he hasn't stopped feeling those personal, delusional feelings of betrayal at minor disagreements we've had in the past or requests for him to do things differently. I think that Peter sees me as a reflection of himself and his low self esteem is supposed to affect me and bring me down too.  

I was never supposed to pressure him, disagree with him, challenge him, place expectations on him, love him? He is a solitary being, never supposed to become intimately involved with another human being. Afterall, he managed 32 years of never being in a romantic relationship; who the hell was I to come along with all my romantic and family expectations?

I am seeing everything so differently. It worries me more so because I really think that there is some sort of personality disorder there. This article bravely explores the link or closeness between narcissism and ASD:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201406/do-you-think-narcissism-autistic-spectrum-disorder

A covert narcissist's love is often conditional and I broke the conditions of love a long time ago. 

Now I see it, I can start the slow process of recovery; there will certainly be no dating until I've spent a good degree of time healing from what can only be described as psychological abuse. I think Peter abuses himself too- doesn't allow himself to flourish or be happy and I was never supposed to grow or develop and flourish despite him. But you know, I think I am flourishing: in knowledge, in educating myself every single day and trying to understand the crappy hell hole he's created for us. I broke the invisible conditions of this "situationship" with Peter some time ago.

I have so many questions moving forward, like, will his love for our children be conditional too? 

I can only imagine that he has been subjected to conditional love himself, by his mother. Only last week, my eldest daughter told me that Peter's mother had accused her of not loving her. What sort of adult puts that on the shoulders of a young child? Luckily, my daughter is well balanced and called the behaviour out straight away as "mean." I'm proud of her. So proud. 

I'm teaching her that love isn't conditional, that we can be mad and still love each other, we can disagree and still love each other. 

I'd always mildly considered that Peter had elements of covert narcissism, but I think I've only recently been ready to face up to it. I wasn't ready to stop loving him for a long time. I still feel sad, but also I've come to terms with the notion that this separation HAS to happen, that I HAVE to get away from this man. 

I find myself wondering if he knows, deep down, what he's truly like. His refusal to engage in relationship therapy when she worked out his ASD, his refusal to put any effort into our relationship yet happy to fall back in to a situationship with me. His "humiliation" when we separated, not heartbreak. I think even he knows there's something not quite right with him deep down.

It was all for show. 

I was expected to tow the line. 

His love was conditional from the beginning. If he'd been a grandiose, extroverted narcissist, I guess I would have avoided him like the plague. He would have reminded me of my Dad. But a covert narcissist is sneakier, creepier, more dangerous in many ways. I genuinely chose him because I thought he was one of the good guys. His low self esteem should never have been empathised with, just avoided at all costs. 

My message for anyone trying to figure out what's wrong with their man, who might be going through similar, would be to forget the labels for now. Watch and observe him. Watch how he destroys any potential for fun and happiness, watch how your body tenses up around him, watch the eye rolls and snidey smirks, observe him. Then ask yourself, how does all this make me feel? Because you deserve to feel good. Don't all of us?

Two years ago, I contacted a women's helpline for advice on leaving my unfulfilling relationship. When I described Peter's behaviour, she referred me to a charity for women who are victims of emotional abuse. I cancelled my appointment because I felt silly at the time- I'm not being abused! I felt like I was using up valuable resources. After this week, I have observed how this psychological abuse plays out during instense time spent together. I've observed how it makes me feel. I've observed it destroy my sense of happiness. If that isn't psychological abuse, then what is? Because the key isn't analysing them really- the key is in analysing you. 

How does he really make you feel? 

Naive Hope

So, Peter finally opened up to me and put in writing that he is unwilling to make any efforts to save our relationship or change, primarily because he "can't sustain it." This comes as the result of him asking me if he could come home and me presenting him with a list of things that need to change. I said that the only response I would accept was one in writing, because that way, we could avoid all of the "don't knows" and deflection. 

Yesterday, I saw my life coach and after a very thorough and inspiring session with her, she concluded that depsite my "together" presentation, I am actually still living in hope. She's right. I'm glad this surfaced. We began to explore why, what is it about Peter that leaves me holding on? I spoke about some of the "kind" things that he does for me despite separating; the half hearted £1 daffodils he gave me for valentines day; the cup of tea he brought to me in bed when I was ill. She concluded that Peter is "breadcrumbing" me and explained that this is what covert narcissists do to keep their victims attached. We also explored the wording he chose to describe how he felt about the separation when I forced him to leave. Not heartbroken, not sad or upset, he felt "humiliated" which is an egotistical response befitting that of a covert narcissist. 

She told me that I deserve someone very different to Peter and listed a few reasons why. She explained that currently, as it stands, there is no space for this nicer person to enter my life because Peter is well and truly still in it. 

We discussed the reasons why the separation hasn't been made properly and my worries about the children staying with him overnight; the complexities of the sleeping arrangements at his parents' house and the added burden on them. I realised that, not only am I thinking of Peter in all this, but also Peter's parents who clearly don't give a monkeys about me! I realised that it is time for his parents to face the consequences of a situation that they've helped to create. 

I talked about Peter's parents and their behaviours over recent years and my coach agreed that they have helped create the monster in this situation. They have to face it as much as anyone else does. They have to give up space in their home; their peace and quiet; their independent lives to accommodate their own shit. They have driven wedges, not only been unwelcoming but made it clear that I have been unwanted and so, their son returns and our two children are a part of him. They have to give up space to accommodate them too. The children have to stay with them sometimes if they want to keep their son with them.  The other option of course would be to support him to live the independent and autonomous life that you would expect of a 42 year old man. She compared Peter's current relationship with the children as "like a grandparent"- able to put them to bed and then leave and enter the comfort of his surroundings at his parents' house. She believes that nothing about this situation is difficult for Peter, despite his contradictory comments about it being hard.

We talked of my values which we covered some years ago. Number 1 is Freedom and in contrast, number 2 is Stability. We believe that I'm battling over my values at present- wanting the space and freedom from Peter, but also needing the Stability that my childhood years failed to give me. This possibly, is where this naive hope stems from. So now, it's about imagining a new stable. What could stable look like? We talked about ways to become more financially independent and spent time nurturing a business idea I've had which could bring in extra income.

As for Peter, she likened the difference between covert narcissism and aspergers as the difference between murder and manslaughter. The outcome is that he's still killing me. Well, when you put it like that. These hostile behaviors are innate regardless; we NT women have to stop making excuses and finding reasons for the way these men treat us. I guess psychopaths can't help being psychopaths, it doesn't mean that we should set up home with them, does it?! I am not likening autism to psychopathic behaviour at all- more highlighting that the behaviour of someone with autism can not be helped, unless they want to help it. 

Peter has finally made it clear to me that he does not want to change; he has zero intentions of changing. What more do I need to know? 

I need to get through the next week as my children have a busy time ahead and then I can focus on having that conversation with Peter- the one where I shift all responsibility and consequence back to him and his parents and finally start to make space in my life properly for new beginnings and maybe in the future, a new, loving and healthy relationship. 

The Next Phase of Separation

It's been a whirlwind three and a half months since Peter left. Unfortunately, I'm still on his roller coaster it seems, even if he is in my space much less. 

Co-parenting with Peter has been ok overall. He hasn't wanted to cause any disharmony where the children are concerned; he is seeing them regularly, but whether he needs to or not is another matter. Considering how practically hands on he's always been with the children and how physically present he has been since they came along, it has shocked me how easy it has been for him to spend days away from them. This isn't something I'd ever really anticipated, however it was something that others warned me would happen. When he's not with the children, he doesn't appear to spare a thought for them: no texts, no phone calls, no check-ins at all. Out of sight, out of mind. 

The children have started to get used to being apart from him for two days at a time, although he still has regular contact with them. He is still staying with his parents, which offers both convenience and challenge at the same time. The children can't stay overnight regularly due to a lack of space and awkward sleeping arrangements. So, the children are in my care overnight 6-7 nights a week, which is exhausting when they're waking after bad dreams or for 3am cuddles. However, I feel more comfortable that they're mainly in my care. I've been ill a couple of times since Christmas and because the children couldn't stay with Peter, he came to stay with us, which is highly confusing for all involved. I'm in this catch-22 situation of feeling comfortable with the arrangements and yet life can't really move forward either. Seeing him, being under the same roof as him too often is problematic for my emotions. Peter also knows no boundaries and is polite in every situation (because, that's what he's trained himself to do of course) and even after we've had an emotional altercation and he's eagerly walked away from it, returning to his old bedroom at his parents' house, he comes back the following day to see the children and says things to me like "have a nice day." He really doesn't seem to care. 

It's easy to find this dynamic antagonistic. Sometimes, I genuinely think that Peter is needling me on purpose, then there's his possessive side, wanting to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times and it's weird and creepy. He doesn't have to let me go when we're operating as dysfuctionally as this. 

I'm off to see my life coach next week, for the first time in around 18 months. I'll be seeking some clarity from her and hopefully we can formulate a plan moving forward. 

There is an edge to Peter. I've discussed it in the Cassandra Support Group over the last couple of days. There are many overlaps in symptoms between covert narcissism and high functioning autism, although the absence of "intention to hurt or cause harm" appears to be the fundamental difference between the two from the research I've done. But what about the absence of care? Peter does not care that my heart is hurting in this current set-up because it works for him. He said to me "I could continue this set-up indefinitely." This has been an ongoing theme over the last 10 years where Peter does not care about my feelings if he believes that he is right. Is this a part of the condition or something else? They may aswell be covert narcissists to us because what difference does intention make to the outcome forced upon us? None. And nothing changes when there is a lack of care. I imagine his friends and work colleagues all worrying about him, offering help and support, he's always been perceived as a bit of a victim. He'll play everything down and be quiet and they'll think it's because he's hurting, but they won't realise that really, it's because he doesn't care.

Some posters in the group have suggested that the parenting of the ASD partner is to blame for a covertly narcissistic presentation. Their disability has been covered up, pandered to, excused and they have been spoiled to make up for their deficits. Some parents of ASD children even take on life's consequences for them, make efforts for them and the ASD adult child then gets to reap rewards for efforts which they never had to make. I've known Peter's parents actually learn how to do their adult childrens jobs and complete work for them when they are struggling to meet deadlines. ASD males already struggle with introspection and with parents who cover up and deny their differences as opposed to working with them and supporting them to become independent and autonomous, what are they creating? An even bigger disability through disabling them.  Peter is living rent-free with his parents; he informed me that they are even buying his food. He has left his family to become an overgrown teenager again; how is this helping Peter? How are they giving him the tools to function in life without them? He's been shielded and sheltered from hard work, from reflection, from self improvement rather than supported to grow and develop and adjust. I can't help but see him as a bit of a loser these days, which has definitely helped me sever some of those ties, but it also makes me sad. 

I'm worried to have the discussions with Peter that are needed as I'm met with cognitive dissonance- he says one thing and does another, or he says something and then says the opposite. It's like even he doesn't know what he wants or what he's thinking. It's like trying to converse with the wind. He's possibly waiting for his parents to tell him what to do next, a common theme throughout his life.

 I have been advised to seek help from a mediator who will sit with the two of us to work out a way forward, but that all feels very final doesn't it? The other part of me is screaming, "final, YES final is what you need!!" But final also means potentially having to part with my children more and entrusting them into his reckless, emotionally negligent care. Nobody would believe my concerns if he were to take me to court for 50/50 custody- he's an upstanding gentleman, a qualified teacher with heightened pastoral experience within schools (can you believe that?!) This is the level of his masking. 

His parenting is average. He's task focused and object orientated- constantly searching for the childrens physical "things" as if life depends on it. Our eldest child is going through early puberty and she seeks out emotional input from him which he's just not capable of. I feel like I have to be everything to the children at times because of his shortfalls. He's just a physical presence, a tangible manifestation of energy which comes and goes and rests easy at night, whilst myself and the children wake from bad dreams, odd noises and seek out comfort from each other in the absence of the man who was brought here to love and protect us. 

Peter is too comfortable with the situation too. He's suddenly embraced a health kick after years of him sabotaging my efforts for us to become healthier. He has time to focus on himself, whilst I have much less. Something has to change at some point, I just don't know what that change looks like yet, or how to go about it, for fear of where he'll subtly and passively move his next, outwardly innocent chess piece. 

PDA

My online support group for women suffering with Cassandra syndrome is a tonic. It is the only place that I've felt validated in 8 years of feeling that something is seriously lacking in my relationship. 

One person asked recently if all autistic men are like the men that we discuss in our group. An interesting question. But I believe that, no, definitely not. All autistic men do not cause significant mental and emotional harm to their spouses. I know a lady whose husband is autistic; he's open minded, he supports her publicly and privately, is able to show affection to her in public and is extremely artistic, rather than the black and white version that many of us see. One thing that I believe sets him apart from the many men that haunt our lives (as Cassandras) is that he trusts her completely. He doesn't make her prove herself. If she says she feels a certain way, be damn well believes it; if she says she believes something intangible exists, he will seek to understand and believe it too.

Our men, I believe, have PDA. 

They can not relate to us on the humane level required for a healthy, reciprocal relationship because they always have to do the opposite. "PDA" stands for "pathological demand avoidance." 

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/

There are certain expectations and demands in creating loving, thriving, reciprocal relationships and these men do the opposite. 

I spoke to my therapist about this recently with regards to the separation, because I'm feeling in no-man's land right now. I know that the moment I place any structure or expectations on the time shared with our children, he will become obstinate. He won't have any suggestions himself because he hates decision making, he'll say to me "you decide" but then pull against the routine when it's put into practice. She said "oh all men are like that." 

This is a phrase that us Cassandras have to frequently battle with in society. Everyone thinks that "all men" are behaving in the ways that we describe. But they're honestly not. Their failures to work with us as a team, pulling against us, their impulse to do anything other than relate when the relationship calls for closeness and intimacy. For example:

•We never once had sex on my birthday. 

•If I ever instigated sex, no matter how sexy my underwear was, he was always too tired, but if I got into bed in my fluffy pyjamas, clearly in no mood for sex, he would suddenly want it. 

• He often had somewhere he would rather be on my birthday.

• When we had a newborn, his desire to go out and do his own thing increased.

•On date nights at home, he would fall asleep on the sofa before eating, although he never fell asleep on the sofa at other times.

•If I was dieting, he was developing a love of cake.

•If I suggested a regular, particular night for spending time together, he would suddenly have a commitment on that night the next week.

•He is now dieting and has taken up running since he left, after years of me suggesting we do this together. He's even doing the exact diet that he sabotaged me doing. 

• When a previous therapist suggested a family calender rule, that nobody leaves the other one with the young baby and the toddler, unless it's written on the calender a week in advance (which he agreed to), he developed a "fuck the calender" mentality and did his own thing anyway. 

• He developed an addiction to our washing machine when I stipulated that one load per day was adequate. He began loading the washing machine with load after load when we had other commitments and there was no time to dry, fold and put away the clothes afterwards, creating more stress for me. It got to a point where he was sneakily putting washing on when I went to bed in the evening. All because I made a request for him not to do this. He was similar with the dishwasher- when it wasn't washing properly and needed repairing, he continued to use it despite my request not to because it wasn't cleaning properly. He was then putting dirty dishes away in cupboards in a stubborn, obstinate fashion. 

There's much more too. But I think what makes this more difficult is that if I confronted him about any of this, again, his PDA couldn't ever allow him to take responsibility or to ever apologise. How do you relate to that? 

Their whole mindset is a game. 

Life is a game of seeking out opposites. When you're in a partnership, the key is to seek to understand each other; how can you have a relationship with someone who is persistently seeking not to? You can't. We Cassandras may seek out a challenge, but this challenge is a foolish one.

I remember, some years ago, us going out for a big family walk, all of us ready to leave his parents' house. Peter's aunts and uncles were there too, all of us stood at the doorway, wellies and walking boots on, restless children in coats. Peter's mum decided it was the perfect time to begin emptying her dishwasher. We all looked on whilst Peter's Dad shouted at her frustratingly that she was holding us all up. The only time she ever really paid attention is when he shouted and then she would stop. She did eventually stop, but I think all of us were a bit dumbfounded as to what she was doing. Another time, I arranged for her to collect my daughter from school who specified "don't be late grandma" so guess what? She was late. So late infact that the school called me and my poor daughter was sat in reception waiting to be collected. Grandma was stuck in the supermarket. 

Autism is hereditary and and so is PDA. How do you relate to someone who has both of these disorders? I don't condone, but can see why Peter's father often resorts to shouting. I did the same in the end: shouting and crying, even throwing things when things were really bad in the newborn phase. Relating is opposite to the mindset of a person with PDA; they shouldn't be in relationships because from what I see, they assume the role of tormentor. 

And if they're our tormentors, what becomes of us? 

A Positive Path

Embracing "Happy New Year" has been quite difficult for me this month, following the repercussions of our separation. I feel a little more comfortable with "Optimistic New Year" or even "Slow New Year." 

It feels like I'm sailing a large ship through and ocean littered with ominous, partly-submerjed ice bergs with an intoxicated crew on board. Therefore, happiness feels a little naive, but I can make do with positivity, perhaps. 

The hidden support groups which exist beneath the familiar folds of society are  necessary chinks of light for a woman suffering with Cassandra Syndrome. However, these groups reveal the true, hidden despair that some of us women live on a day to day basis and when you read that you're not the only person living this story, it can feel validating, yet hopeless at times. 

After sharing my story and my own challenges regularly with the group, I am hoping this year, to begin mapping out a new, positive path for the future. To be with these types of ASD men, NT women often have to spend their lives researching, adjusting, meandering, analysing and navigating ways to make the marriage or relationship work. When you have a relationship with a man who is not easily capable of "relating" past the love bombing stage, the only way to make it work is to put in the majority of the labour. This causes us women a degree of damage, not only to our self worth but to our ability to focus on ourselves, our careers and a lot of the time, our friendships. 

So, we lose ourselves. 

It would be easy for me to keep relaying my own personal details of this familiar relationship dynamic, because if I'm honest, it's my normal and has sadly become what I'm comfortable with. However, I need to move on, mentally and emotionally. I will always have challenges with Peter, because I have to continue co-parenting with him and he'll be in my life for the rest of my life, whether I want him to be or not. I'll write about the new challenges, which may be even more challenging as the children get older, but I don't want this to consume me anymore. 

Before Christmas, I couldn't even imagine the future, let alone create goals for myself. But, I have managed to write 5 goals for this year:

-Financial Independence

-Lose the excess weight I'm carrying (relationship baggage I think!)

-Go to the sea more (something for my spirit)

-Build healthier, positive friendships

-Begin writing my book

The book one feels a bit ominous, because I don't have the energy for it. I've thought of turning this blog into a book one day, but would that be fair on Peter or even our children? We'll see what happens with that one- it's a long anticipated childhood dream to write a book and I'm getting older, so I added it to the list. 

Focusing on becoming fitter, healthier and losing the excess weight is a necessary part of my journey I think. The weight only came with the excess post-Peter life baggage, so it feels apt to make this positive, physical transformation a part of my new path. Ironically, Peter has made the same goal for himself this year, despite years of trying to get him on board with a supportive weightloss regime as a couple! 

I want people to know that I don't believe that ALL men with Aspergers are capable of creating Cassandras of their wives. I have seen and believe that there are men with ASD who trust and love their wives so much that they will put faith in them to commit to collective positive change, even if they don't immediately see the benefits. I've been reflecting and I think it's possible that many of our men (women with Cassandra Syndrome) have a level of apparent arrogance and stubborness that lies in some areas of this vast, dynamic disorder. Some people call it ODD and some call it PDA. I understand that these men may not be able to "help" their inability to adapt to change or reluctance to meets expectations and demands, however, intimate relationships demand a level of love, connection and closeness which can not be argued.

As a result, it is of my opinion that the proportion of men with ASD that are incapable of committing, trusting and putting faith in their wives, are also incapable of intimate relationships. The only remedy is to leave. Find a new path. The choices of life are endless; we don't have to stick with this one.

Monster behind the mask?

This is a big, honest post.

I don't think I'm the only spouse of a man with ASD, or even with the traits of ASD who had not considered that there may be something deeper going on. Narcissism? Sociopathic behaviour? Worse? 

I realised over Christmas that Peter is an actor. My mum has been supporting me with my separation from Peter and has stood up for me a couple of times when she's felt that Peter should be stepping up. I'm not really excusing her- she's quite a brash lady and sometimes she just needs to listen without acting upon it. 

My mum bought Peter a Christmas present when she came to stay for three nights on Boxing Day, which sat under our Christmas tree unopened, until she left a few days later. Peter was perfectly polite to my mum whilst she was staying with me at the house- Peter made his presence very known infact. He outstayed all of his welcomes, let himself in and out of the house as he pleased, ate with us, sat with us, yet refused to open this gift from my mum. The children kept taking the gift to him to open- excited to see what it was, but still he refused to open it but didn't address this reluctance to my mum in any direct way. 

She took the gift home with her in the end and is returning it, however it really opened my eyes to Peter's acting skills. He's clearly angry with my mum but behaved completely normally around her. This seems a little bizarre. Also, I couldn't help feeling that he had asserted his presence to create discomfort.

It gets more creepy, as Peter abandoned me in the street when we went to collect his car following an attempt to reconnect at the pub the evening before. He left me crying, I got back in my car and sat crying for a good 10 minutes afterwards before driving home again. Peter had driven off immediately, but passed me at the end of the street as I left 10 minutes later, clearly he had come back to see if I was still parked there. Then, some time after I returned home, Peter very quietly and sneakily let himself back in to the house, stood outside the lounge door for a few minutes and then came in and sat on the sofa as if nothing had happened between us. It was weird. There was no reason for Peter to come back. We couldn't continue our argument infront of the children. He just gave off a creepy, controlling vibe of "this is my house too." Almost tormenting me it felt. 

He didn't even interact with our kids after the first couple of minutes, but sat glaring at the rug, vacantly for around 20 minutes. I made an excuse for me and the children to leave and so he left too. But as he's still paying the mortgage and he owns half the house, I have no rights to stop him coming in and out of our home. I'm not even legally allowed to change the locks. 

I feel there's something else about Peter. 

More than ASD perhaps. 

More than stubbornness.

It's a huge air of self righteousness, of arrogance, despite the fumbling, cowardly, agreeable little man that he presents to the rest of the world. 

My understanding of aspergers is that although they mask, they're not really actors? Their anger is clear to see. 

Peter is so angry, yet it's simmering away silently beneath a facade and this frightens me a little, I'll be honest. I have no idea what he's thinking or feeling, but I sense anger and sometimes, a bit of danger as a result as I don't know what I'm dealing with.

I've come to realise that privacy, silence, isolation all works in Peter's favour, so I made a bigger social media announcement today about out separation. It was pleasant and in context, but it dawned on me, that people need to know the situation, so that they too have the opportunity to see what I'm seeing. I have deleted Peter from my social media.

Mum has ordered me a camera for our front door and a chain since she returned home from her stay. Something has clearly unnerved her too. Legally, I can't keep Peter out of this house, but after the way our discussions have declined, post- Christmas, I feel the need to protect myself a little. There's something oddly creepy about him at times, I've been reminded of another red flag that I ignored in the beginning. I remember him around a younger member of staff at work- him being too much, too helpful, too awkward, too forward and how uncomfortable it made me at the time. I always put it down to him being "too nice" but I'm realising that Peter is not the innocent, pitiful man that he paints himself to be and infact, I think there's something a bit creepy about Peter. 

"Sounds Like You Have a Communication Issue." And Don't We Know It.

Before I learned the likely cause of the disconnection between Peter and I, I'd tell close friends about our problems, write about them in feminism forums (when I believed that I was dealing with a feminist problem that is.) People were so well meaning but the advice was mostly the same "sounds like a communication issue."

And didn't I know it. 

I am yet to know an NT/ND relationship where there aren't problems with even basic communication. When I first raised the issue of our lacking communication in therapy eight years ago, it was suggested to me that I use "I feel" statements when raising issues, so that my arguments were less accusatory. This would help Peter engage in serious conversations better. It however,  did not work with Peter. He explained/implied to me that my feelings were my problem, I had the power to feel differently, should I choose to. He took no accountability whatsoever and couldn't emapthise because he couldn't see passed the point that I was implying that he was wrong.

I couldn't understand why these conversations weren't working when I was following the structure advised to by my therapist. I did eventually get through to him about my boundaries with his mother during this time, but he spoke to her with reluctance and resentment which only pickled our relationship with further negative feeling. 

I started seeing a life coach shortly after these counselling sessions finished and I explained to her that I wanted a deeper level of connection with Peter. She gave me some relationship questions to follow, questions to ask each other to deepen our connection. Peter became visibly uncomfortable after the first few questions and refused to partake in any more of it. I remember feeling like a failure as none of the strategies given by any professionals were working; I couldn't comprehend it. She suggested a book to read "Seven Levels of Intimacy" which was a fantastic read, but it only concerned me even more that Peter wasn't able to connect intimately, consistently on any level.

A regular complaint I've made to Peter is his method of seeking to prove me wrong as opposed to seeking to understand me. This whole concept seemed foreign to him, by the look on his face, he couldn't understand why on earth he should ever seek to understand such a critical, difficult person like me. Many ASD men perceive any sort of constructive criticism, where there is a view to improve the well-being of the relationship, as a personal insult. Peter can not deal with it. At all. I think that his ASD, alongside his parents' inability to proactively parent him into better basic hygiene, better choices, taking more pride in himself, means that Peter can not deal with having to do things differently than he's doing it already at all.

Peter has no growth mindset, he is content as he is, in himself, he has never tried a new sport independently, tried to lose weight, read a self improvement book or attended therapy at all within the 10 years we've been together. He can not engage in any form of self improvement it seems, because that would mean that living the way he already is could be "wrong." I think, anyway. Who knows. This is only my perception and I'm no expert on Peter. Far from it. 

As time has drawn on, my own resentment, disappointment and dissatisfaction with Peter has plagued our relationship further, causing a deterioration in our communication style. A layer of sarcasm, infuriation, satire and underhanded remarks on my part has made everything harder. As a result, Peter now opts for a game of "tit for tat" whereby he challenges any concern or problem that I have with a deflection. 

"How can you say anything about my mum? Your mum once had an affair." 

"The reason you have a problem with my family is because you hate everyone. You hate, x, y and z."

Most serious conversations result in the same outcome. It's like he keeps a shit bag, full of things I've told him about myself: previous relationships; my family; things I've told him during safe and intimate moments which he keeps as ammunition against me. Sometimes, the outcome is slightly different depending on the magnitude of the issues being discussed. There are times where he won't reply at all- I'm met with a blank expression and total silence. I once timed 10 minutes of complete silence. This works in his favour, because it'sa long enough period of time for him to change the subject. Other times he'll use phrases like:

"I don't know."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"I don't know how to explain it."

For us, the NT women, it's like mind-fuckery. This relationship is starting to feel like a game.

We spent over two hours in relationship therapy partly addressing this communication pattern and we were given scripts to follow. The strategy (loosely) was the following:

Person 1: "When you do X, I feel Y"

Person 2: "Ok, so you say that when I do X, you feel Y... I understand you feel this way, I don't want you to feel this way. This is how I perceive it/how it was for me/I apologise I didn't realise...."

Peter couldn't do it. 

"You shouldn't have to follow a formula to have a conversation, it's not natural."

"I Know Peter, but trying to have a natural conversation isn't working either is it?"

He never once responded in the advised way. Not once. I think that for him, it meant partly accepting what I had to say which just didn't sit right with him. Showing empathy feels like he's losing so empathetic communication was never going to work for him. It better suits Peter's interests to blame any issues we have on my oversensitive, volatile nature and on my skewed perceptions of reality, for which he is unaccountable. 

I have questioned myself often about the role I've played in these battles of communication. Have I ever really thought to myself during a talk about our relationship, "you know, he's right." I honestly can't say I have very often. This bothers me and I question my own ego; but his voice doesn't seem to come from any truth. It comes from some patched up narrative or belief that he's created in his mind to make him feel more comfortable with discomfort. Truth is uncomfortable and he squirms to hear it; I can't make these conversations any more bearable for him. 

Last night, our communication spiralled drastically. After a few beers together in the pub where we went to discuss things on neutral territory, I saw a severely angry, resentful and bitter man who could never, ever love me. Behind the dutiful, quiet, non-communicative man lies a shattered ego and raw fury. I believe that Peter hates me. I wasn't supposed to function this well. I was supposed to suffer silently and passively like he does. I am a traitor for speaking up, for communicating; I am a problem. The empathy ship sailed long, long ago and without empathy, there will never be real communication for anyone.