Letting go of Expectations

Through counselling, I've learned the hard way, that expectations cause disappointment. 

For a long time, I expected a "normal" relationship, one that would grow into a loving marriage. I wasn't expecting competition, individualised agendas, secrecy, passive aggression, sulking, using me as a resource rather than cherishing me as a person, lack of loyalty, lack of sex and a huge, massive lack of understanding. 

For a long time, the inequality of our relationship pivoted around me seeking to understand him, whilst he sought mostly, to prove me wrong. At first, I started to think that his behaviour was cruel and nasty, that he had this hidden mean streak. Was he a narcissist? 

But this wasn't the case. 

Peter loved quiz shows and for him, life is a big quiz show. He needed to prove me wrong so that he could be right, he has to get as much as he can for his time, for his money, for his love. Every transaction needs to be worth his while. Just writing those words makes my stomach go over. It's because I know deep down that this mentality is not ok because relationships are reciprocal, nurturing, understanding and they're about cherishing each other. Can a man with ASD even be in a romantic, intimate relationship? Without faking it? Making himself vulnerable for intimacy to truly evolve? From my experience, no. 

Peter wants to be loving, Peter wants to get it and he truly, truly wants to understand because at the crux of it all, he is mostly a good person.

 This is why I stay, for now. 

It's difficult because anyone in a loving, intimate relationship should have expectations of love and warmth, understanding, reassurance and validation. But being with an Aspie creates a dysfunctional dynamic where these basic expectations can not be achieved. Expecting the impossible made me ill and it is only since I removed those expectations have I found ways to be happy again, despite this "relationship" continuing. 

I have come to terms with the notion that this isn't a romantic relationship at all; it's more of a practical transaction whilst our children are young. I fill my emotional cup with my writing, music, yoga, meditation, ASMR, my friends, my children, nature, art, singing in the car... it makes me sad in some ways. Because his dysfunction has created my dysfunction. It will no doubt be contributing to my childrens dysfunction too which devastates me.

There is guilt for staying and guilt for wanting to leave, but the absence of expectation has created space and freedom and I can seek my emotional needs through other avenues. I know that this absence of expectation won't sustain us in the long term, but it keeps us chugging along, whilst the children are young. 

For now, I have a new lease of life because my expectations are lower: quality time together probably isn't going to happen, sex isn't going to happen, him missing me provided I'm still there to take the kids to school and cook dinner isn't going to happen. Him looking me in the eye and listening intently to my dreams and making them become a reality together aill never happen. Him becoming vulnerable enough for me to fall in love with him again will never happen.

Sometimes, I worry that my new coping strategies, my new interests and hobbies are sticking plasters holding us together when we should be apart. Another thing to fill the void. I often wonder if I ought to erase all the joy I created and go cold turkey for a while, to show me my reality once again. I keep thinking of getting a puppy, but I know that part of it is a replacement for the love and conpanionship that is lacking.

I just hope that one day, when the time is right, I can rediscover the expectations I've had to learn to let go of so that I can feel what it's like to be desired, loved, understood and cherished once again. Because really, isn't that what relationships are about?