Special needs? Yes, I have them too.

You can't be in a relationship with someone who has special needs, without you becoming part of a special needs relationship. There is no way around it. 

The problem is that because their needs are special, more important, more prone to meltdowns, outburts and shutdowns if they aren't met, our needs must be deprioritised in their world. When you are navigating the world together, you become deprioritised in your world too. Nobody is an island. Nobody is immune to the levels of neglect that are inflicted onto neurotypicals in these relationships. You can't not be affected, no matter how many spa days your take yourself on.

For many years, when the children were babies, his needs gave me anxiety; stretched me far beyond my comfort zone; took me to depths beyond my limitations of exhaustion; caused a desperate loneliness; made me invisible, unworthy. Unimportant. 

I have health needs, but they are always subordinate to his special hobby needs. Just yesterday, Peter had a quiet, passive aggressive tantrum. He yet again failed to communicate his request to swap our weekend days with our children this weekend because he has a special hobby event which he has known about for months. When he suddenly raised this with me, quite literally days before the event and I told him that this wasn't acceptable, that I had plans, he turned all responsibility onto me:

"You're happy for me to lose the £50 I paid for my ticket?"

"I've swapped with you before when you've asked me to." 

"You know how much this means to me. Why do you resent my hobby so much?"

"Communication is the issue," I said to Peter. 

"What plans do you have?!" 

I told him that I have plans to do housework and rest. But he doesn't value these plans. This is also a feminist problem- my work, my plans, my hobbies are never quite as special as his. "Rest on Sunday" he said "I'll have the children that day instead."

"We have plans with friends Peter."

After this conversation escalated to me shouting as he repeatedly protested "there is nothing wrong with my communication!" I walked away crying in pure frustration and upset at the loss of my own choices and freedoms, a pattern which occured regularly when we were together. He took away my choices. How is it happening now, when we're not even together anymore? 

I began deliberating whether to just not be at the house when he delivers the children to me on his day. But I know that my life would be made much more difficult. Despite the 6 weeks notice I always give him for a change of day, he would play games and make himself very unavailable to me in the future. He also threatened to take the children with him to his special hobby event if I'm not there to provide childcare for him as and when he says I should be able to, despite it being his day with the children. This would mean the children being dragged around a race track until midnight. He would do this, because his hobby is more special to him than their wellbeing. However, their wellbeing is more important to me than my own rest and grievances with him, and he knows this, so he has me morally trapped. 

His special needs trump everything and everyone and I have to lose out on rest, whilst the housework waits another week. I am tired of his selfish needs. 

Which still seem to prevail over everything and everyone, like a snatching, sleep thieving toddler who just doesn't know any better. 

But they do know better, don't they?