Our separation has been far from conventional. There has been no line drawn in the sand, no divorce, no house sales, no holidays away from my children (yet), infact no long periods away from my children at all. I've kept Peter close in order to keep my children close because the thought of spending half their lives away from them feels wrong. It doesn't matter how many yoga classes I attend, or how many runs I go on, or how much I meet friends for dinner, it does not take away the feeling of emptiness when I return home and the children are with him and their beds at home with me are empty.
They stay overnight with Peter at his parents' house but never for longer than one night at a time and he often brings them home to me the following morning so that I can walk them to school. But I know that this arrangement is only accepted by Peter because he gets to keep me close too, still residing in the family home which he still has access to. He gets to keep me whilst giving up on us. We are both getting what we want.
The legal system and the general patriachal world we live in will shout from above that fathers deserve 50% custody of their children. Not in our world. In our world when we leave these men, we have to leave our children part of the time, with fathers who are severely emotionally stunted, have very little danger awareness or paternal instincts and are driven only by their own self centred agendas. For me, an unconventional separation has been the only way to manage their safety and wellbeing. Also, to stop my heart breaking any more than it already has; all I ever wanted was to be a mum. A full time mum, not a part-time one. Peter is helping me practically when I need him, such as when I'm poorly, by being here with the children (I've caught flu twice since January!). He can be relied upon for all matters of domesticity, even if the outcome isn't quite as clean or organised as I'd like it to be. Practicals are his super power, so we make the most of it.
But, something is changing.
I no longer feel any romantic feelings towards him at all, yet six months ago, I still desired his love and affection. I have come to terms with the man he is and oddly, we have become good friends.
I recently spoke to our financial advisor who knows our living situation and has advised me that now is the time for me to sell the family home and set up independently of Peter. I can not keep living in this home indefinitely from a financial or practical viewpoint. The house is too large and needs too much work. If I leave now, I will atleast have enough years left on my mortgage to buy a property large enough for me and the children and their needs.
My therapist of five years, who has supported me throughout the realisation of Peter's challenges, through my own explorations of Cassandra syndrome and has been my rock throughout my separation recently spontaneously retired from her job after a turn in her health. To say this has been destabilising may be an understatement as my biggest emotional support has gone. But, it has made me question if the universe is telling me that perhaps I no longer need her because I finally I have all the answers I've needed. Perhaps it is time to take some steps forward. Our final session ended with her telling me that I had absolutely done the right thing by separating from Peter, perhaps conclusions have been drawn afterall.
Peter has been the only man I've been in a relationship with where I've not thought of him when listening to love songs. Infact, I've not listened to love songs in around ten years, shortly after starting a relationship with Peter. I've felt uncomfortable and found them cringeworthy- why is that, I ask myself? We certainly don't share an "our" song or have ever danced around the kitchen together like people who are in love might do. So, this week, I've listened to love songs and although I've cringed a little through them, I'd like to think that one day, maybe I'll melt away into the words of a love song whilst in the arms of someone I love and maybe someone who loves me.
I often wonder if I am even capable of being loved anymore? This relationship has made me harder, wiser, more suspicious of men, a strong feminist who speaks out about ingrained mysoginy. Part of me thinks that any man would run for the hills before falling in love with me. Or maybe just the wrong man would. Where do you find a man that has the deepened emotional understanding that I crave? Who has the type of heart that I could fall in love with? I'm not sure.
But, one love song I can listen to right now with warmth and comfort is "To Be Loved" by Adele. A song which reminds me that women before me have made the choices I have, in hope and love for themselves, gifting themselves with an opportunity to be loved. Something that continuing situationships with these men can never truly give us. And as Adele sings so beautifully, choosing and believing that we deserve better love does not come without immense sacrifice and huge loss.
I have prayed and hoped and manifested until it hurts that Peter would realise his loss and make the changes needed over the last 15 months: attend therapy, get a diagnosis, help himself to help us. But no. I see a man who is lost in this world, alone, depressed and hurting and still, he does nothing. How can I ever hope that a man who neglects his own suffering so badly, will ever choose to ease mine?
So, I'm open to the changes that are taking place around me now, I will allow my life to evolve and grow away from him. I'll put my all into keeping my children as close as I possibly can, but I am open, open to new beginnings, a new friendship with Peter for the sake of our children and maybe one day, a new love for me.
