But he's not a covert narcissist... is he?

Yes. I've come to think that yes. He probably is a covert narcissist.

Of course, neurodiverse people have their challenges, their routines and triggers, but most will show willingness to alter their behaviour if it is hurtful to others. Particularly if it's hurtful to those they care about. They don't become resentful, rageful or ill meaning just because their spouse asked them for something. Like a narcissist would. 

Expecting behaviour change and expecting someone to change their personality is not the same thing. We're not asking anyone to change who they are fundamentally, but to behave differently to cause less suffering to others. Neurodiverse people have the power to work on their behaviour and to learn respect and loyalty even if they struggle to empathise. They have choices like everyone else and the power to hurt people less. Should they wish to.

Most women in my online support group for Cassandra Syndrome are in there because they have pleaded, raged, begged and pestered for change, for help, for support for love, for any molecule of acknowledgement and support. To ignore, to deny, to blame, argue and dismiss is mean. Neurodiverse people aren't intrinsically mean... are they? But we know that Covert Narcissists are. 

I'm done with looking for the motivations for mean behaviour, done with excusing it. Done with it. If he speaks like a covert narcissist, acts like a covert narcissist, behaves like a covert narcissist, then it's time that we acknowledged that we are dealing with, marriaging with, parenting with is a dark and stealthy form of narcissist. A sneaky, sly, vindictive narcissist, who to the outside world, is a loveable, likeable fella who'll do anything for anyone. 

Let's stop denying what we already know.

We are all Cassandras of covert narcissists here. And the only way up is out.