Will I Ever Be Free?

Having two children with a man like Peter makes life difficult. He is emotionally detached, highly dysfunctional, neglectful, disinterested and yet possessive of all of us. 

We belong to him.

I've had to implement some harder boundaries over the last two weeks following a sharp decline in my mental health. Having his practical support which is so useful when I have no family support, comes at a price. I've had to explain to Peter that it is not ok for him to climb into my bed to watch the football after he's come to the house to put the children to bed, that he can't just stay over in the spare room when the feeling takes him and not inform me. 

It's been soul destroying to have to explain all of this to him because when you're separated, surely it's obvious? But they don't see or understand humane boundaries unless it's in black and white. 

I've driven myself crazy wondering if it's asking too much for him to continue walking our family dog a couple of times a week. Do I need to be more black and white? Should I pay someone, can I afford to? Because already, I'm paying for domestic help so that I can work and become financially independent of Peter eventually. 

Mostly, after 18 months, I long to feel loved and wanted. I am at a point in my life where I would like to find love again or even just date, but how do I do so when Peter is still so prevalent in my own life? How do I let go fully of the children when in his care? Will another man actually understand why we still holiday all together? When will it be safe for me to entrust Peter with care of the children on holidays? Will I ever? 

If I meet a man who accepts our co-parenting situation will it be because he's actually incapable of deep commitment and so I'll end up eventually with another Peter?

So many questions. 

So many worries and uncertainties.

Every time I've explored my values "freedom" is always my number 1. Freedom of expression, the freedrom to be me, the freedom to enjoy my life. I'm not free to enjoy my life whilst Peter plays such a major part in it and I don't see how he will stop playing a major part until the children are older. Then I foresee myself having to undo the consequences of his reactive parenting and his control over our lives. 

I am trapped.

So many women are. Because we prioritise the health, safety and well-being of our children above all else and so we live half lives until our time comes, hoping and praying that we'll make it to then.