And for the first time in a long time, I was able to enjoy pleasurable, gentle touch to my skin during an aromatherapy massage.
Lots of well meaning advice within the support forums I use, will tell us Cassandras to carve out a life independent of him, to get our emotional fulfilment elsewhere, because if we don't, we will suffer. Following this advice is near impossible with a child under 1 at home, where us Cassandras literally become tied to the home and house without anyone ever attending to our needs. We become an invisible resource and the functioning of our homes and of those who reside within them is dependent on solely us. We become a supportive platform for everyone and everything, when our legs are already buckling from the weight of our unfulfilling relationships.
So we live in fight or flight mode for a couple of years.
We don't cope. The body can't cope. We pick up every cold and cough going, we suffer chronic fatigue, digestive disorders, mouth ulcers, depression, anxiety, brain fog, chronic health conditions, diabetes, underactive thyroid, obesity, vitamin deficiencies, rashes, allergies, hair thinning and loss and more. All when we are strapped to this situation with young children at home depending on us and we can't carve out this imperative, yet elusive independent life.
For me, returning to work from maternity leave helped me regain some sense of sanity and independence, although the crushing weight of responsibility for poorly children still fell to me. When children go to nursery, they get ill a lot!
I began carving out my independence when my youngest child was 3. I would have done so a year earlier if it hadn't have been for the covid-19 pandemic. My priority was getting some of my emotional needs met and this meant thinking outside the box.
Having moved to his home town and after leaving home at a relatively young age, I'd lost many school friends. I didn't feel like I had any "roots" as such. Two of my closest friends had moved away, one had relocated a 9 hour drive away and the other, 4 hours. Both of them seeking solace in areas of outstanding natural beauty. I know that I should do the same, but for now, I'm stuck here. So, I knew that I needed to seek out connections, I wanted to heal my body, both physically and mentally from the trauma of having young children at home whilst being Cassandra.
So, the first thing I did was join a gym, one with a luxurious warm pool, jacuzzi, massage jets sauna and steam room. In 16 months of having this membership, I can honestly say that I have never once used the gym, but I use the pool area twice a week. The lighting is low; it's a soothing, mostly peaceful area where I can move my body at whatever pace I like, comfort and soothe myself with warm water and heat. It has been a tonic over the last year.
The next thing I did was seek out connections and this is an ongoing process. I discovered a holistic practitioner who offered all sorts of weird and wonderful soothing treatments such as reflexology, indian head massage and reiki so I booked myself in for three treatments. This led to me attending her yoga classes and women's circles where I was able to meet other women, all seeking deeper connection with themselves and the world around them. I have made some friends, but I feel all of us are healing from some sort of trauma and most of us remain within that loop.
I have attended yoga retreats, a solo weekend in a log cabin nestled in woodland, nights in hotels just reading my book and ordering room service, I seek out touch through massage and reiki, I attend a 2 hour monthly counselling session with a renowned psychotherapist, I look forward to going to work.
Most of these things have the same thing in common: they cost money. All of my disposable income is being spent on my wellbeing, antidotes to my Cassandra complex whilst still being embroiled in the same trauma. I often feel like I'm just brushing my teeth whilst still eating a packet of wotsits. I am paying for connection; a human necessity which should never come at a price.
These healing, soothing routines and rituals that I've embraced are helping me, healing me, but I know I can never truly heal whilst still being in this house, with him. I can't say, whilst still in this relationship with him, because I don't really feel we have one. How do I heal whilst he's still here?
The problem with this new independence and fulfilment which I've gifted myself with, is that it keeps me locked in this situation. It helps it feel more bearable, tolerable even. These antidotes are mere sticking plasters and if I strip them all back, if I were to be thrown into another lockdown with him, I'd be back where I was three years ago: no love, no connection, no me.
Sticking plasters cost money, sticking plasters fall off and lose their sticky and I know at some point, these wounds need to truly heal.
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