We had sex

 This is the roller coaster that our situation (not quite relationship), has become. I pull away and he suddenly pulls out all of the stops in a panic that his life is about to be turned upside down. 

I am so desperate for comfort and connection that I reach out for it the moment it's given. 

We've had sex twice in two days and lots of physical contact inbetween. Peter gives the most wonderful back massages, which he withholds most of the time, seeing it as a chore if I ask for one, but he's massaged all my pain away over the last couple of days, more than once. I've slept in his arms, felt safe and warm, content and loved, even if he does never say the "L" word. 

Peter can't keep this up for any period of time and I'm so glad that he's gone away for a few days with friends because he can't disappoint or hurt me by pulling away again. I have asked for no contact during this next few days so that I can gather my thoughts. 

I know Peter will never change; do I just appreciate the moments of love and connection that I've felt in the last couple of days but plough forward with the original plan? Ask him not to come home again? This feels like the empowering outcome, the strong, brave outcome. 

But the thought of losing what can be, albeit, the starvation doses of connection and ultimately, hurting Peter is what holds me back. Hurting the children and wrenching their worlds apart holds me back- they adore Peter. He's a nice Dad and also, a very loving Dad- he feels comfortable with his love for them, it's romantic love which causes him unease. 

I've been here a thousand times, or so it feels. I was embarrassed to tell my holistic therapist that I'd made myself vulnerable and reached out for closeness and connection at the cusp of separation from Peter. She was lovely and kind and said that I'd reached out for myself and taken something that I desperately needed at that time. She said I'd been kind and loving to myself to take that closeness and warmth to give me some much needed comfort, but I can't help feeling that I could have been stronger. Or could I?

I'm embarrassed to post this to the Cassandra group, but I will do because this is the truth of our relationships with them. They love bomb us in a panic to keep us when they need to, but deep down, we all know that this level of connection just can't be maintained.