When he was away, I learned that I can manage without him; that all of his practical input is do-able myself. More do-able because I wasn't emotionally exhausted as I often am when he's around.
I felt a sense of relief at him not being in the house bringing down my mood, dampening the air with his serious interrogations about my day, what I'd eaten and where I'd been.
After our lovely, two day injection of passion prior to him leaving, I really did miss him, but only the version of him I'd embraced for those two days. I did not miss the practical, apathetic, insular version of him that I see every other day of the week.
I think I implied in my previous post "Isolated" how envious I've become that his life is still full outside of family life, whilst my social connections have withered away over time. This has led to us leading separate lives, one where my life revolves around home, family, children and work, whilst his revolves mainly around work, children and his social life, which he has kept me distanced from.
Sociable Peter is not like Partner Peter at all. Sociable Peter is very agreeable, light-hearted, empathetic, trustworthy, loyal, understanding, flexible, chatty, involved in everything and approachable. Partner Peter however, is competitive, secretive, apathetic, neglectful, disinterested, disloyal and non-committal.
The isolation I've felt, the self doubt, the sense of shame at not seeing Peter in the same light that others do, has eaten away at me. His mother and sister in particular have been quite delusional when I've sought support and understanding from them about Peter's neglectful behaviour. They condescend most of the things I say, according to Peter they "can't help it" but interestingly, it's usually just women that they seek to condescend.
When everyone else thinks our ASD partners are great, it's like being gaslighted not just by the Peters that supposedly love us, but by every single person around us who knows them.
Whilst he was away, I felt no pressure not to rock the boat and I informed his parents about how unhappy I'd been and that I thought it best that Peter goes to stay with them for a while. This was a huge step. But I've done it for my children aswell as myself, because I want this separation to be as kind to them as possible and they need the security of their own home just whilst they get used to Peter's absence.
His mother never even responded.
His sister responded with "fine" after explaining to her why I was cancelling our future plans. There was no empathy whatsoever from any of them. I have lost my function, I am no longer a resource, so they didn't need to engage with me. It is easy to see where Peter gets his lack of empathy from. His father merely responded with "ok" similarly to the responses I regularly receive from his son.
I have no emotional connection with any of his family, nevermind Peter. It's an isolating place to be when you've moved to his hometown, where all his friends and family live and you are cut off from emotional connection.
I have since found a meme about "quiet quitting" a relationship and what that looks like and I found myself sharing it to my social media pages with no explanation. I feel ready to show my truth. That he quit long before I did. I don't want to bad mouth Peter, or cause him distress, but I don't want to play pretend anymore. I told my boss yesterday about what I've been going through these last few years, explaining to her just how lonely I have been through the tears. She was so kind to me, she made me cry. She told me how she sees me and sees our family and it wasn't as I'd imagined. Some people really do see the cracks and can tell who is the one trying and who is pulling away. She knew.
Peter is hurting.
But not for the right reasons.
I've blown his cover and he's angry with me. He hasn't fought for me, he hasn't asked if we can talk about it, he hasn't told me he loves me; he's merely accepted everything. And now, because his parents know, he has agreed to move out as soon as possible. His parents, like Peter have accepted everything, offering no support to myself or even Peter, in a bid to save his family.
He is confused after our two day rendezvous, he thought we were back on track, but I know deep down that a rendezvous is all it will ever be. I do question if things would have been different this time on his return from his all-male holiday if I'd have embraced him with open arms, but I don't have the strength to find out. I really want to reach out to him and touch him, kiss him, love him and I'm sure he would reciprocate at first, but the minute I show any form of "negative" emotion, he would punish me with emotional neglect and withdrawal.
Last night, I really got to the core of things and asked him if he liked me. I was scared for the answer. I discovered that he likes me as a mother, he likes me as hard worker, but he never elaborated on liking me as a person at all.
I see him "liking" his friends' wives comical quips on social media to his friendship group that they have been included in that I haven't. But he never "likes" my memes about family, the pictures of our children and will never ever "like" any of my vocal support and cheerleading for those in minorities. He's spent his life trying to fit in, what the fuck am I doing trying not to?! He will never like me for challenging the status quo.
And he will never, ever like me for blowing his cover. But for me, the veil is lifting and for that, I think I feel a bit better.
No comments:
Post a Comment