"Sounds Like You Have a Communication Issue." And Don't We Know It.

Before I learned the likely cause of the disconnection between Peter and I, I'd tell close friends about our problems, write about them in feminism forums (when I believed that I was dealing with a feminist problem that is.) People were so well meaning but the advice was mostly the same "sounds like a communication issue."

And didn't I know it. 

I am yet to know an NT/ND relationship where there aren't problems with even basic communication. When I first raised the issue of our lacking communication in therapy eight years ago, it was suggested to me that I use "I feel" statements when raising issues, so that my arguments were less accusatory. This would help Peter engage in serious conversations better. It however,  did not work with Peter. He explained/implied to me that my feelings were my problem, I had the power to feel differently, should I choose to. He took no accountability whatsoever and couldn't emapthise because he couldn't see passed the point that I was implying that he was wrong.

I couldn't understand why these conversations weren't working when I was following the structure advised to by my therapist. I did eventually get through to him about my boundaries with his mother during this time, but he spoke to her with reluctance and resentment which only pickled our relationship with further negative feeling. 

I started seeing a life coach shortly after these counselling sessions finished and I explained to her that I wanted a deeper level of connection with Peter. She gave me some relationship questions to follow, questions to ask each other to deepen our connection. Peter became visibly uncomfortable after the first few questions and refused to partake in any more of it. I remember feeling like a failure as none of the strategies given by any professionals were working; I couldn't comprehend it. She suggested a book to read "Seven Levels of Intimacy" which was a fantastic read, but it only concerned me even more that Peter wasn't able to connect intimately, consistently on any level.

A regular complaint I've made to Peter is his method of seeking to prove me wrong as opposed to seeking to understand me. This whole concept seemed foreign to him, by the look on his face, he couldn't understand why on earth he should ever seek to understand such a critical, difficult person like me. Many ASD men perceive any sort of constructive criticism, where there is a view to improve the well-being of the relationship, as a personal insult. Peter can not deal with it. At all. I think that his ASD, alongside his parents' inability to proactively parent him into better basic hygiene, better choices, taking more pride in himself, means that Peter can not deal with having to do things differently than he's doing it already at all.

Peter has no growth mindset, he is content as he is, in himself, he has never tried a new sport independently, tried to lose weight, read a self improvement book or attended therapy at all within the 10 years we've been together. He can not engage in any form of self improvement it seems, because that would mean that living the way he already is could be "wrong." I think, anyway. Who knows. This is only my perception and I'm no expert on Peter. Far from it. 

As time has drawn on, my own resentment, disappointment and dissatisfaction with Peter has plagued our relationship further, causing a deterioration in our communication style. A layer of sarcasm, infuriation, satire and underhanded remarks on my part has made everything harder. As a result, Peter now opts for a game of "tit for tat" whereby he challenges any concern or problem that I have with a deflection. 

"How can you say anything about my mum? Your mum once had an affair." 

"The reason you have a problem with my family is because you hate everyone. You hate, x, y and z."

Most serious conversations result in the same outcome. It's like he keeps a shit bag, full of things I've told him about myself: previous relationships; my family; things I've told him during safe and intimate moments which he keeps as ammunition against me. Sometimes, the outcome is slightly different depending on the magnitude of the issues being discussed. There are times where he won't reply at all- I'm met with a blank expression and total silence. I once timed 10 minutes of complete silence. This works in his favour, because it'sa long enough period of time for him to change the subject. Other times he'll use phrases like:

"I don't know."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"I don't know how to explain it."

For us, the NT women, it's like mind-fuckery. This relationship is starting to feel like a game.

We spent over two hours in relationship therapy partly addressing this communication pattern and we were given scripts to follow. The strategy (loosely) was the following:

Person 1: "When you do X, I feel Y"

Person 2: "Ok, so you say that when I do X, you feel Y... I understand you feel this way, I don't want you to feel this way. This is how I perceive it/how it was for me/I apologise I didn't realise...."

Peter couldn't do it. 

"You shouldn't have to follow a formula to have a conversation, it's not natural."

"I Know Peter, but trying to have a natural conversation isn't working either is it?"

He never once responded in the advised way. Not once. I think that for him, it meant partly accepting what I had to say which just didn't sit right with him. Showing empathy feels like he's losing so empathetic communication was never going to work for him. It better suits Peter's interests to blame any issues we have on my oversensitive, volatile nature and on my skewed perceptions of reality, for which he is unaccountable. 

I have questioned myself often about the role I've played in these battles of communication. Have I ever really thought to myself during a talk about our relationship, "you know, he's right." I honestly can't say I have very often. This bothers me and I question my own ego; but his voice doesn't seem to come from any truth. It comes from some patched up narrative or belief that he's created in his mind to make him feel more comfortable with discomfort. Truth is uncomfortable and he squirms to hear it; I can't make these conversations any more bearable for him. 

Last night, our communication spiralled drastically. After a few beers together in the pub where we went to discuss things on neutral territory, I saw a severely angry, resentful and bitter man who could never, ever love me. Behind the dutiful, quiet, non-communicative man lies a shattered ego and raw fury. I believe that Peter hates me. I wasn't supposed to function this well. I was supposed to suffer silently and passively like he does. I am a traitor for speaking up, for communicating; I am a problem. The empathy ship sailed long, long ago and without empathy, there will never be real communication for anyone.