I don't think I'm the only spouse of a man with ASD, or even with the traits of ASD who had not considered that there may be something deeper going on. Narcissism? Sociopathic behaviour? Worse?
I realised over Christmas that Peter is an actor. My mum has been supporting me with my separation from Peter and has stood up for me a couple of times when she's felt that Peter should be stepping up. I'm not really excusing her- she's quite a brash lady and sometimes she just needs to listen without acting upon it.
My mum bought Peter a Christmas present when she came to stay for three nights on Boxing Day, which sat under our Christmas tree unopened, until she left a few days later. Peter was perfectly polite to my mum whilst she was staying with me at the house- Peter made his presence very known infact. He outstayed all of his welcomes, let himself in and out of the house as he pleased, ate with us, sat with us, yet refused to open this gift from my mum. The children kept taking the gift to him to open- excited to see what it was, but still he refused to open it but didn't address this reluctance to my mum in any direct way.
She took the gift home with her in the end and is returning it, however it really opened my eyes to Peter's acting skills. He's clearly angry with my mum but behaved completely normally around her. This seems a little bizarre. Also, I couldn't help feeling that he had asserted his presence to create discomfort.
It gets more creepy, as Peter abandoned me in the street when we went to collect his car following an attempt to reconnect at the pub the evening before. He left me crying, I got back in my car and sat crying for a good 10 minutes afterwards before driving home again. Peter had driven off immediately, but passed me at the end of the street as I left 10 minutes later, clearly he had come back to see if I was still parked there. Then, some time after I returned home, Peter very quietly and sneakily let himself back in to the house, stood outside the lounge door for a few minutes and then came in and sat on the sofa as if nothing had happened between us. It was weird. There was no reason for Peter to come back. We couldn't continue our argument infront of the children. He just gave off a creepy, controlling vibe of "this is my house too." Almost tormenting me it felt.
He didn't even interact with our kids after the first couple of minutes, but sat glaring at the rug, vacantly for around 20 minutes. I made an excuse for me and the children to leave and so he left too. But as he's still paying the mortgage and he owns half the house, I have no rights to stop him coming in and out of our home. I'm not even legally allowed to change the locks.
I feel there's something else about Peter.
More than ASD perhaps.
More than stubbornness.
It's a huge air of self righteousness, of arrogance, despite the fumbling, cowardly, agreeable little man that he presents to the rest of the world.
My understanding of aspergers is that although they mask, they're not really actors? Their anger is clear to see.
Peter is so angry, yet it's simmering away silently beneath a facade and this frightens me a little, I'll be honest. I have no idea what he's thinking or feeling, but I sense anger and sometimes, a bit of danger as a result as I don't know what I'm dealing with.
I've come to realise that privacy, silence, isolation all works in Peter's favour, so I made a bigger social media announcement today about out separation. It was pleasant and in context, but it dawned on me, that people need to know the situation, so that they too have the opportunity to see what I'm seeing. I have deleted Peter from my social media.
Mum has ordered me a camera for our front door and a chain since she returned home from her stay. Something has clearly unnerved her too. Legally, I can't keep Peter out of this house, but after the way our discussions have declined, post- Christmas, I feel the need to protect myself a little. There's something oddly creepy about him at times, I've been reminded of another red flag that I ignored in the beginning. I remember him around a younger member of staff at work- him being too much, too helpful, too awkward, too forward and how uncomfortable it made me at the time. I always put it down to him being "too nice" but I'm realising that Peter is not the innocent, pitiful man that he paints himself to be and infact, I think there's something a bit creepy about Peter.
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