Monday, January 9, 2023

A Positive Path

Embracing "Happy New Year" has been quite difficult for me this month, following the repercussions of our separation. I feel a little more comfortable with "Optimistic New Year" or even "Slow New Year." 

It feels like I'm sailing a large ship through and ocean littered with ominous, partly-submerjed ice bergs with an intoxicated crew on board. Therefore, happiness feels a little naive, but I can make do with positivity, perhaps. 

The hidden support groups which exist beneath the familiar folds of society are  necessary chinks of light for a woman suffering with Cassandra Syndrome. However, these groups reveal the true, hidden despair that some of us women live on a day to day basis and when you read that you're not the only person living this story, it can feel validating, yet hopeless at times. 

After sharing my story and my own challenges regularly with the group, I am hoping this year, to begin mapping out a new, positive path for the future. To be with these types of ASD men, NT women often have to spend their lives researching, adjusting, meandering, analysing and navigating ways to make the marriage or relationship work. When you have a relationship with a man who is not easily capable of "relating" past the love bombing stage, the only way to make it work is to put in the majority of the labour. This causes us women a degree of damage, not only to our self worth but to our ability to focus on ourselves, our careers and a lot of the time, our friendships. 

So, we lose ourselves. 

It would be easy for me to keep relaying my own personal details of this familiar relationship dynamic, because if I'm honest, it's my normal and has sadly become what I'm comfortable with. However, I need to move on, mentally and emotionally. I will always have challenges with Peter, because I have to continue co-parenting with him and he'll be in my life for the rest of my life, whether I want him to be or not. I'll write about the new challenges, which may be even more challenging as the children get older, but I don't want this to consume me anymore. 

Before Christmas, I couldn't even imagine the future, let alone create goals for myself. But, I have managed to write 5 goals for this year:
-Financial Independence
-Lose the excess weight I'm carrying (relationship baggage I think!)
-Go to the sea more (something for my spirit)
-Build healthier, positive friendships
-Begin writing my book

The book one feels a bit ominous, because I don't have the energy for it. I've thought of turning this blog into a book one day, but would that be fair on Peter or even our children? We'll see what happens with that one- it's a long anticipated childhood dream to write a book and I'm getting older, so I added it to the list. 

Focusing on becoming fitter, healthier and losing the excess weight is a necessary part of my journey I think. The weight only came with the excess post-Peter life baggage, so it feels apt to make this positive, physical transformation a part of my new path. Ironically, Peter has made the same goal for himself this year, despite years of trying to get him on board with a supportive weightloss regime as a couple! 

I want people to know that I don't believe that ALL men with Aspergers are capable of creating Cassandras of their wives. I have seen and believe that there are men with ASD who trust and love their wives so much that they will put faith in them to commit to collective positive change, even if they don't immediately see the benefits. I've been reflecting and I think it's possible that many of our men (women with Cassandra Syndrome) have a level of apparent arrogance and stubborness that lies in some areas of this vast, dynamic disorder. Some people call it ODD and some call it PDA. I understand that these men may not be able to "help" their inability to adapt to change or reluctance to meets expectations and demands, however, intimate relationships demand a level of love, connection and closeness which can not be argued.

As a result, it is of my opinion that the proportion of men with ASD that are incapable of committing, trusting and putting faith in their wives, are also incapable of intimate relationships. The only remedy is to leave. Find a new path. The choices of life are endless; we don't have to stick with this one.


No comments:

Post a Comment

The Reasons your Marriage/Relationship failed.

Luckily for me, I  can now label Peter as my ex, although I still have a lot to do with him because of the children.  Since separating, when...