One person asked recently if all autistic men are like the men that we discuss in our group. An interesting question. But I believe that, no, definitely not. All autistic men do not cause significant mental and emotional harm to their spouses. I know a lady whose husband is autistic; he's open minded, he supports her publicly and privately, is able to show affection to her in public and is extremely artistic, rather than the black and white version that many of us see. One thing that I believe sets him apart from the many men that haunt our lives (as Cassandras) is that he trusts her completely. He doesn't make her prove herself. If she says she feels a certain way, be damn well believes it; if she says she believes something intangible exists, he will seek to understand and believe it too.
Our men, I believe, have PDA.
They can not relate to us on the humane level required for a healthy, reciprocal relationship because they always have to do the opposite. "PDA" stands for "pathological demand avoidance."
There are certain expectations and demands in creating loving, thriving, reciprocal relationships and these men do the opposite.
I spoke to my therapist about this recently with regards to the separation, because I'm feeling in no-man's land right now. I know that the moment I place any structure or expectations on the time shared with our children, he will become obstinate. He won't have any suggestions himself because he hates decision making, he'll say to me "you decide" but then pull against the routine when it's put into practice. She said "oh all men are like that."
This is a phrase that us Cassandras have to frequently battle with in society. Everyone thinks that "all men" are behaving in the ways that we describe. But they're honestly not. Their failures to work with us as a team, pulling against us, their impulse to do anything other than relate when the relationship calls for closeness and intimacy. For example:
•We never once had sex on my birthday.
•If I ever instigated sex, no matter how sexy my underwear was, he was always too tired, but if I got into bed in my fluffy pyjamas, clearly in no mood for sex, he would suddenly want it.
• He often had somewhere he would rather be on my birthday.
• When we had a newborn, his desire to go out and do his own thing increased.
•On date nights at home, he would fall asleep on the sofa before eating, although he never fell asleep on the sofa at other times.
•If I was dieting, he was developing a love of cake.
•If I suggested a regular, particular night for spending time together, he would suddenly have a commitment on that night the next week.
•He is now dieting and has taken up running since he left, after years of me suggesting we do this together. He's even doing the exact diet that he sabotaged me doing.
• When a previous therapist suggested a family calender rule, that nobody leaves the other one with the young baby and the toddler, unless it's written on the calender a week in advance (which he agreed to), he developed a "fuck the calender" mentality and did his own thing anyway.
• He developed an addiction to our washing machine when I stipulated that one load per day was adequate. He began loading the washing machine with load after load when we had other commitments and there was no time to dry, fold and put away the clothes afterwards, creating more stress for me. It got to a point where he was sneakily putting washing on when I went to bed in the evening. All because I made a request for him not to do this. He was similar with the dishwasher- when it wasn't washing properly and needed repairing, he continued to use it despite my request not to because it wasn't cleaning properly. He was then putting dirty dishes away in cupboards in a stubborn, obstinate fashion.
There's much more too. But I think what makes this more difficult is that if I confronted him about any of this, again, his PDA couldn't ever allow him to take responsibility or to ever apologise. How do you relate to that?
Their whole mindset is a game.
Life is a game of seeking out opposites. When you're in a partnership, the key is to seek to understand each other; how can you have a relationship with someone who is persistently seeking not to? You can't. We Cassandras may seek out a challenge, but this challenge is a foolish one.
I remember, some years ago, us going out for a big family walk, all of us ready to leave his parents' house. Peter's aunts and uncles were there too, all of us stood at the doorway, wellies and walking boots on, restless children in coats. Peter's mum decided it was the perfect time to begin emptying her dishwasher. We all looked on whilst Peter's Dad shouted at her frustratingly that she was holding us all up. The only time she ever really paid attention is when he shouted and then she would stop. She did eventually stop, but I think all of us were a bit dumbfounded as to what she was doing. Another time, I arranged for her to collect my daughter from school who specified "don't be late grandma" so guess what? She was late. So late infact that the school called me and my poor daughter was sat in reception waiting to be collected. Grandma was stuck in the supermarket.
Autism is hereditary and and so is PDA. How do you relate to someone who has both of these disorders? I don't condone, but can see why Peter's father often resorts to shouting. I did the same in the end: shouting and crying, even throwing things when things were really bad in the newborn phase. Relating is opposite to the mindset of a person with PDA; they shouldn't be in relationships because from what I see, they assume the role of tormentor.
And if they're our tormentors, what becomes of us?
