Consequences

I could see, this morning, when you came over to deliver the Nintendo Switch she left at your parents' house, where you're staying, how sad you were and I sensed you longing for the children as you hugged them at the door. 

I felt a pang in my heart for you.

Then I had to remind myself that at no point have you complained about the contact time you have with the children. At no point have you asked for it to change. At no point have you tried to assert your needs as their parent. For this lack of assertiveness, there are consequences.

When you chose to leave me alone on my birthday with a newborn and a toddler to care for during the 12 hours that you went to enjoy your hobby after I begged you not to, I struggled to feel the same way afterwards.

There were consequences.

When on nights out with friends, you chose to belittle me instead of standing proudly by my side, a team, against the world together, for me there were consequences and eventually, for you there were consequences too. 

When you didn't go to the doctor about your health issue, which grew and worsened and came between us, there were consequences.

When you stayed up late watching box sets instead of sleeping so that you could be the "on" parent during the day time when I'd been awake all night, there were consequences for us all.

When I couldn't make any more effort in our relationship because whilst I was prioritising Us and the children, you were only thinking of yourself as an individual and there were consequences.

When you failed to stand up to your mother when she made underhanded remarks about my parenting, ignored me and treated me like I was invisible and you told me I needed to be more tolerant? I distanced myself. 

And there were consequences.

When the therapist asked you to take the lead and make some effort to explore yourself, your wants, your needs, your hopes and dreams and make some effort in our relationship, you ignored her and there were consequences. 

When the therapist told me to take some time out, for myself because I was exhausted by trying to make a failing relationship work single handedly, I extended that time out for my own self preservation and so there were consequences.

When I tried to talk to you about how to resolve all of the hurt so that we could find a way, when I asked you to go to therapy and you didn't, there were consequences. 

When you say no to doing any inner work and no to relationship work and no to parenting and no to sleep and no to team work and no to me.

I'm sorry, but there are consequences. 

And now, I have to remind myself that I can't protect you from the consequences anymore. Even when I know that being away from us is making you sad, angry, resentful, hateful of me because you think it's all my fault, I remember that there are consequences. For all of us. But mostly, you have to face your consequences, like you faced your choices.