Peter Pan

"Peter" isn't his real name; it's an alias, should this blog ever end up in the wrong hands, however I find it apt that my Dad refers to him as "Peter Pan." Although my Dad also is a bit of a hypocrit considering his own history of fathering. 

But, I can't help but agree with my Dad, Peter really is the boy who never grew up.

The man who can not separate himself from his family of origin, who feels personal insult when their hurtful, toxic behaviour is flagged up. I imagine I'd have felt the same way up until my late teens, should someone have flagged up my own parents' crappy behaviour. But as adults, we are supposed to evolve, see things at a distance; detach. Acknowledge short comings. Peter can't do it. He's so personally insulted by any form of criticism towards any of his FOO. He is emotionally enmeshed.

This is a man who calls his Dad, not for advice on what to spend his money on, but instruction. A man who could not erect boundaries around his mother's interferences in our finances- "she means well," too frightened to tell her no. Scrambling for excuses. Allowing her to reek havoc over his new family, the young mother of his child. Too scared to speak up.

Interesting that any well meaning intentions I have are lost on him because he doesn't have the same innate loyalty to me. And this is the problem, his loyalty to the FOO is innate, like a child's loyalty to their parents before they've developed a wider view of the world. 

I kicked Peter out, he moved in with his parents in November and I have asked for us to work through our issues atleast twice now with a view to him coming home. He says "ok" but isn't doing any work at all. He tells me that he feels he could continue living with his parents indefinitely should he need to, being a part-time Disney Dad to our own kids, but I shouldn't confuse that with the idea that he may be finding life easier... because it's hard for him apparently!! Whilst his parents have in no way supported us to stay together, only driven wedges between us, they have happily supported him to leave his family and live with them. His mother irons his work shirts, he uses his Dad's boot polish to clean his work shoes, he lives there rent free, he keeps his racing car in their garage and he can potter around with engines to his heart's desire. He can go running along the bridle path which runs alongside their house whenever he wishes, sit in their palatial garden in the sunshine and not have to worry about any emerging weeds or overgrown lawns. He doesn't have to battle dressing little children, teeth brushing, meal times, reading, spellings on a daily basis. He is able to revert back to his teenage self and his parents enable it happily. 

 He's happier now that he can dip in and out of responsibility and enjoy the fun of parenting, without the daily stress, worry or demand. His defence is "well you kicked me out," similar to how a child might respond. He takes zero responsibility and throws all blame at my door. His vibe has changed, he's free, lighter, more energetic and a much better Dad at a distance than a fully invested one. My Life Coach compared him to a helpful grandparent "at best" during our last appointment. 

I often wonder if he lies awake at night thinking of our children tucked up in their beds with him unable to protect them at night, then I remind myself, probably not. 

He tries to justify his negative feelings towards things I've said and done by quoting his friends a lot, " even two of my friends are shocked that you said X." A bit like a child might say to a friend on the school playground "I told my mummy what you said and she thinks you're mean!" He values male opinion above mine always. He has an innate arrogance and mysoginy as he tries to blindly fit in with anyone he perceives as popular or of a higher social status. Challenging the status quo would always be beneath him, because he strives only to fit in.

I see him doing the "pick me" dance in an effort to be liked and selected by his group of friends. Mr agreeable. Him apologising profusely to strangers for merely taking up space in shops and in busy places, desperate to be liked by anyone. 

The sulking and silent treatment he would give me for robbing him of his fun should I have inconvenienced him by falling ill, preventing him from hobbying in return for childcare. The way he used to whisper the word "sex" as if he'd said something naughty. His ongoing virginity until the age of 32. Sex for him is observing other people do it, as if he hadn't matured enough to partake in adult enjoyment. 

A child in a man's body. 

He did a good job at pretending though, I even remember a mutual colleague once saying to me "I wish my husband was as manly as Peter, at times he acts like a child, Peter is so much more mature."

Peter was not more mature than her husband, he was less so. Peter has fooled people into thinking he's a mature handy man because he can fix physical objects, we seem to think that only mature men fix stuff (how bizarre) but emotionally, Peter is a child. Incapacitated by something, whether it be ASD, trauma or covert narcissism, there is a "disconnection" as a relationship counsellor once described to us, that I'm not sure can ever be fixed. 

I can see that part of Peter wants to return home to us, but I watch him now enjoying his freedom and I know he wouldn't ever come back before he's had the opportunity to enjoy a free summer. A summer holiday free of parenting, free of expectation, free of unnecessary, unwanted intimate connection. A summer full of hobbies, nights out with friends and the odd day of playing Disney Dad to his beautiful children who deserve so much more. And a summer free of a demanding Me, a committed, sensual, warm, loving woman, who I'm slowly realising, deserves much more than a lousy Peter Pan character of a man.