The pros and cons of separating, almost 9 months on...

So many Cassandras ponder over the benefits of leaving. Those of us with children know that there will be sacrifices that need to be made if we leave, we also know that exposing our children to his recklessness and/or negativity, without us there as a buffer, is going to be tough. 

When he lived with us, I used to stress over the house a lot. I'd get anxious about whether or not it was clean or tidy, I'd be quite stringent about my cleaning mornings, Peter would vacuum on Saturdays and we have a lot of floor space to cover. I even had a cleaning itinery. I was nervous about becoming a single parent as I knew that there would be more to do and likely, less time to do it. Peter is highly practical and I hate vacumming. He would also over-see breakfast in the mornings with the children whilst I showered and got myself ready for the day. The thought of being solely responsible for this made me so anxious and yet, our mornings our now calmer than they've ever been! No shouting. No upsets. No stress. 

My house now is messy and nowhere near as clean. But I don't use my cleaning itinery any more! And I don't stress if I don't have time to clean either (I'm currently lying in a warm bath having not cleaned the house in 8 days). It will amaze you how much control you'll endeavour to seek over the things that you are allowed to control. Because, quite frankly, often, they are the ones in the driving seat. Whether that is passively, manipulatively or directly. Cleaning was something I could have control over because he never valued it.

I have asked Peter for the passwords to our utilities accounts, which he has shared with me. I have also tried to switch the accounts to my name. Surprise, surprise he never responds to those requests because Peter is sitting in the background overseeing all our useage and all our spending. He is also still deciding which companies we're registered with and he does not communicate any of this to me. I am still, to some degree, under his control. He is reluctant to sell the house and financially, fully go our separate ways. He walks in and out of our house and our lives as he feels. He has his own private space at his parents' house who he lives with for free and his space is completely separate from me. He tells me he would be happy to continue this dynamic indefinitely. But I would never be free, would I? How would I ever move on and meet someone else? Get married? Is this part of his plan? 

Mortgage rates are at an all time high and it makes financial sense for me to continue living in this house for the time being. I feel like his lodger. Both of us have increased our salaries this year to accommodate our future separation, but financially, we will still be worse off.

Sharing the children with him devastates me at times. Twice a week, they stay with him and his parents over night, I lose a weekend day every week with them, but the space away is needed when I'm doing everything else on my own. I worry for their welfare when they're in his care, I worry for their safety. I worry he won't respond to illness or injury. His driving terrifies me.

Everything is messier and harder practically, because he was so practical at times. Emotionally, I miss my children when they're not with me, but I don't miss him. I don't miss the miserable hope and disappointment of connection everyday, the sexual rejection, the sulking and passive aggressive remarks, the obstructions. The acceptance of a rubbish, stagnant relationship. Ironically, I do miss adult company and sometimes his adult company because often, he was the only adult I'd have a full conversation with some days.

I am also more free than I've ever been. I somehow have more space and time for swimming, yoga, meet-ups with friends, social groups. Peter used to tell me how he'd never stop me from doing anything I wanted to do, that he would always care for the children (provided it was convenient for him of course!!). But, when you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, time doesn't feel very free, even when it is. Emotionally, I was always busy. My free time was spent researching him, his quirks, his ways and trying to work out what was wrong with us as a couple. Always wondering, is it me?

I've started listening to music again, which is highly healing. Pink's "All I know So Far," and the lyrics "you throw your head back and you spin in the wind, let the walls crack, 'cuz it lets the light in" gives me goosepimples; my nervous system, beginning to light up again instead of shutting down out of self protection. At first, I was daunted at the prospect of cooking for one and I lived on eggs and toast when the children weren't here. But now, I'm making myself the meals that they would never eat, looking forward to adult, nutritious food at the end of a long day. 

I believe that Peter made life difficult when we were together, playing on my anxieties. I could never make myself vulnerable, because I felt he used my vulnerabilities to get at me. If there was something I didn't like, he would do it more- antagonise me. Then make me feel ridiculous. 

"I was only helping by doing x, y, z." He gave me more work to do. He would mindlessly load the washing machine and then go out for the day with his father, tying me to the house all afternoon- drying, folding, putting away when he knew that I had plans to go out too. If I left it all for him, he'd leave it in a creased up pile and eventually put everything away in the wrong places. Our daughters' clothes all mixed up in each other's cupboards. Mine hanging loosely over a chair in the office.

"Just leave the washing to me," I'd say, but he wouldn't. I'd be labelled "controlling" despite my primary desire just being that he refrained from putting extra work load on me. Surely, I have the right to control that? Because really, he was the one controlling me and my time. I genuinely believe he took great enjoyment in messing up my systems in a bid to cause heightened stress and anxiety then he could call me crazy. I don't miss any of it. 

Part of me just accepts the way things are  currently. He's finally out of my space (most of the time). It isn't perfect, but maybe this is just how it needs to stay for a while. I can keep my girls close and support his regular, short bursts of time with the children to keep them safe and him content and civil. I don't think he enjoys fathering deep down anyway, he's just endeavouring to do what's right. If he gave in to his true desires, aside from his need for control and possessiveness,  I don't think we'd see him for dust. 

Overall, I'm glad he's gone. 

There's a clearing in the dull skies overhead and the sun is shining on my face at last. Hope and future love awaits. 

My therapist said to me once, "sometimes, you have to prioritise and safeguard future you and that means doing things that present you may find uncomfortable."

I knew that I'd made the right decision when she said that.