The difference between autism and arseholeism

A friend of mine has a husband who is autistic. He has his quirky ways, his prized possessions, he likes his routines, his diet is pretty unimaginative.

But, he adores his wife. 

And if she tells him she's upset, he believes her and works to find a solution; he advocates for her in public; he has her back; he cooks and cleans; he shows her that he loves her.

I know that autism affects people in different ways, but it has made me consider that autism isn't a built in excuse to be a bad husband. That if a husband is unwilling to work on himself or his marriage, then actually, that's arseholeism. 

-When you tell your autistic husband that you're unhappy and you want to work with him to find a solution, but instead he sulks, closes the door on you and focuses purely on himself. That's arseholeism.

-When your autistic husband is verbally and physically abusive towards you. That's arseholeism. 

-When he 'forgets' or dismisses your birthday? That's arseholeism. 

-When he refuses to help with the children or housework or anything that causes him any sort of inconvenience either by avoiding it or arguing the toss out of his responsibilities. That's arseholeism.

-When he can spend quality time with his friends or his special hobbies but not with you? That's arseholeism.

-When you have to convince him to share his finances with you. That's just arseholeism.

-When he diminishes your opinions and feelings because he doesn't like them or they don't fit his confined way of thinking? That's arseholeism.

-When you repeatedly attend therapy because your level of wellbeing is so low in this marriage and he refuses therapy himself? That's arseholeism.

-When he keeps you all for himself and refuses to leave or makes it difficult for you to leave, yet he refuses a loving intimate relationship with you? That's emotional abuse caused by arseholeism.

-When you have to remind him that your time is not up for his taking, that you need time out too because he hasn't even considered that you are a human with needs outside of family life. That's arseholeism. 

-When he refuses to celebrate special occasions like anniversaries? That's arseholeism. 

- When he knows deep down that relationships are difficult for him, but he masks and love bombs and ropes you into one with him anyway only to retreat from it once he "has" you, that's arseholeism. 

- When his family are disrespectful towards you but he can not see through his own obligations and loyalties towards them and expects you to be more tolerant of them. That's arseholeism. 

- When he closes down all communication with him around your unhappiness. That's arseholeism. 

- When he spoils holidays because deep down he doesn't like change and he takes it out on you rather than finding a healthier outlet for his own anxiety, that's arseholeism. 

- When you're ill and he doesn't care for you, or worse, punishes you through sulking, silence or outward disapproval. That's arseholeism. 

I'm sure there are plenty more scenarios that women have become exposed to whilst in these one-sided, careless relationships. But it's important that we don't pin all of his negative behaviour on autism. Some men may not feel the level of empathy that we might expect in loving relationships, but when we communicate our upset and dislike of something, he has a choice. He can choose to find solutions, he can choose to listen, he can choose to validate her, even if he doesn't feel it. 

Gaslighting, denying or arguing our feelings away is abusive. It's selfish. It's neglectful. Let's not use autism as an excuse for abuse.