Sunday, October 15, 2023

The Black Cloud

It's difficult to describe the black cloud which engulfs the time spent with these men. Peter is angry at me, but he can't express it in a productive way, also as his anger is born of his own fear, obligation and guilt towards his narcissistic mother, he is keeping quiet because he knows exactly what I'll have to say about it. She turned on our young daughter again last week, this time telling her "you'll be happier when I'm dead." This was followed by his father shouting at our daughter for standing up to her grandmother and rightly calling out the behaviour as "childish."

I made the decision when he left me, that when his mum decided to replace me (as her narcissistic target) with our children, I would call out the behaviour and stand up to her. And this is what I did. I messaged her and his father to say that this was no way to speak to a child and that I thought she should see a professional for her undiagnosed narcissism to try to limit any further damage to those she cares about. I know that this was blunt of me to say, but I wanted her to know that I know what she is. My message was unsurprisingly ignored by all. No doubt there was lots of advice from flying monkeys to "ignore" my "aggressive" message; I worry that some of this advice probably came from Peter himself, but I'll never know the truth. He does know about the message but has not discussed it with me, instead choosing to operate in an authoritative, cold manner towards me since.

Today, he joined us on a family trip which we take annually. I am still endeavouring to co-parent with Peter in a way which allows us to exist as a family unit from time to time. I believe this is good for the children and in some ways, it does benefit me at times too. Today however, I'm not sure there was a lot of benefit for anyone, because he brought his black cloud along with him. Clearly still seething with me, he spent the day determined to be aloof. 

He of course, had to drive the car, asking for directions from my phone's navigation as and when it suited him, told me to move my phone to different locations around the dashboard, none of them being quite right for him. Then he demanded I turn the navigation off right away because he said he no longer needed it, as if it was about to implode if I didn't switch it off immediately. It all reeked of a need to control, just in the way he spoke to me, if nothing else.

After this, he had an issue with me leaving the dog in the car whilst we ate, so I took the dog out of the car and brought her in to the restaurant with us when there was an issue with me putting her harness on the back of a chair. "Unhygienic" he said  and he stomped off back to the car put it inside.

And when the meals came, I noticed I was missing something off my plate and asked him if he could see the plate of the person sitting behind me on the next table who had ordered the same meal to tell me what was missing so that I could tell the waitress. 
A very sharp response of "No. I am not staring rudely at other peoples meals. You're being ridiculous." 
Ok. 
Then, as we were leaving the restaurant, he of course had to tell me how disappointing his meal was, knowing that the restaurant is a favourite of mine.

This was followed by a journey home in the car and him giving me an abrupt ultimatum that he would drive past the junction for our home if I didn't tell him in 10 seconds which supermarket he should stop at to allow our daughter to use the toilet. 

I'd also borrowed his phone to take photographs during the day's main activity as my phone battery had died suddenly, which led to one hundred repeats of "have you still got my phone?"

No laughter, no smiles, no fun- from him anyway. Just a list of serious, practical requests and adjustments throughout the day. 

"Put the wellingtons in carrier bags..."
"Wipe the dog's paws again..."
"How much have you spent?"
"Can you navigate again?"
"Can you stop navigating now?"
"But I'm not speeding." (After several requests to watch his speed.)
"Which supermarket?"
Despite his protests of:
"No that supermarket is too far away."
"But you need to tell me in the next 10 seconds."
Why bother asking me if you don't want to go there?

A day of endless mundanaeity, suppression and control from Peter in a way that is difficult to describe, but nevertheless, leaves me feeling....flat. 

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