-Black and white thinking.
-Struggles to empathise when the point of view is opposite to his own.
-He has a very awkward gait.
-Bad posture
-Finds it difficult to plan or organise
- Collects things (even rubbish) and can not work out what to throw away or keep.
-He is in constant motion- there is always a part of his body tapping or rocking
- Talks impulsively and at speed
- He becomes obsessed with things and these interchangeable obsessions are all consuming for him
- He can never switch off which impacts his sleeping patterns
- He has severe alexythmia to a point he actually scalds himself in the shower and sleeps with the curtains open in summer.
- He has to be reminded to change and wash his clothes
- He sees little point in caring for his appearance- his hair always needs cutting
- Questionable hygiene
- Always on his own agenda and can not see or consider the needs of others
- Can not prioritise: he cooks a meal and then washes up before eating it
- Very low sex drive
-Highly pragmatic and practical, often can not see or consider emotion.
-Has very blank facial expressions and he rarely smiles, can not give eye contact during emotional discussions. If I ask for eye contact he stares through me
- Socially inappropriate: he tries to be funny but can come across as offensive
- Enmeshed with his family of origin
- Has habits or rituals which are difficult to break. E.g When putting the children to bed, he'd dress them in winter pyjamas in summer because he hadn't thought to change their clothes when the weather got warmer. Seems to operate on autopilot which I've read is a lack of executive functioning.
We've been to four relationship therapists now, neither of them for very long because he would never stick it out. But two have pointed out that Peter has neurodivergent traits. I have known in my heart, my mind and my bones for 9 years that Peter is neurodivergent.
However, I am bamboozled by him, because his executive functioning appears to kick in when he has a strong desire for something. He will manipulate me to get what he wants and will even resort to blackmail. Currently, we are separated and sharing the children on set days, however if an event (linked to his special interest) appears on a day he has the children he plays games to be able to go to the event.
Firstly, he doesn't tell me about his wish for me to have the children on his day so that he can attend the event until a few days before, but he only ever reveals a small amount of information about what he wants from me. So he'll say "could you take the girls to their swimming lesson on Saturday so that I can go to this event?" As swimming is only an hour, I might say yes. Then Friday evening comes along and he will send me a message: "I'll drop them off at 8am tomorrow morning and see them on Sunday," when swimming isn't until 1pm. I'll say no, swimming is at 1pm, I have plans in the morning (often washing clothes cleaning the family home that I am now solely responsible for!) . I'll ask him what he thinks he's doing sending me this message and he will say "I told you about it." By giving only part of the information, he knew I'd say yes and now he has me trapped. "I bought my ticket for £50! I've arranged things with my Dad now! You always try to get between me and my hobby!"
See what he's doing? This scenario in some way, shape or form plays out on probably, a monthly basis. Last week, a similar scenario occurred around a work commitment he had. But again, he only revealed one element of what he required from me to support him, which meant that again, I had to change my plans at the last minute. Again, I was supposed to "know" how long this meeting would last and that it would overlap into the childrens' bedtimes.
Then, he ramps it up: I tell him that I have plans, no I will not take the children earlier than the time of their swimming lesson. He will argue about how I should "know" how long these events are I should "know" he'll be leaving early in the morning. None of this has been communicated to me and he appears to think that I am just as interested in the timings of his events as he is. He obviously would never not go to the event and lose his £50, so he then says "fine, there are tickets left, the children will have to come with me."
And just like that, he wins.
Because he knows that I care for the children's welfare much more than he does. He knows I don't want them going three hours away to a motorsports event in the freezing rain, and not returning home until after midnight, he knows that I'll have to face the repercussions of tired, ill children the following day. He knows I care more than he does about how they'll perform at school for the entire week afterwards. It's me who will have to comfort all the tears and meltdowns. So I have to agree.
This confuses me, because the same tact is used time and time again with him and it feels manipulative, it is also blackmail. The flip side of this is that when I give him more notice and ask him to have the children on my set day with him, he reminds me "you said we needed to keep to set days." He plays the system to work for him every time and uses my own coherent, clear communication to ensure that he gets what he wants and I don't. It's manipulative.
On the outside, Peter is a kind, gentle, considerate man. He will always help people if they ask for it; he'll go above and beyond. He'll help me too. When I'm poorly, he'll come and walk my dog or make me a meal. But, then there is this manipulative side of him, which appears when there's something he wants and he doesn't care about anyone else provided he gets it. This is where Peter's neurodivergence confuses me: due to a lack of execution functioning, people with ASD struggle to be manipulative. But, Peter is able to flick the switch on as and when he needs to. He's also very good at board games and card games: poker, chess. Where you have to strategise and employ tact, this must require a huge degree of executive functioning? I can't help thinking that Peter's lack of communication in all areas of our relationship is much more than an accident, but a strategy. And here is me being clear and coherent with him, telling him my moves before I move my pieces, so he always wins.
Covert narcissists have a Jekyll and Hyde persona, they put on a front to the outside world whilst emotionally draining the people who are closest to them. This is also my experience of Peter. He can be my most helpful allie, but he will turn on me at the threat of him not getting what he wants from me exactly when he wants it. It flaws me emotionally every time.
I find myself wondering, who is Peter? This clumsy, gentle, helpful, non-offensive, probably neurodivergent man who is able to manipulate, blackmail, strategise, control, reduce me to tears and leave me feeling so trapped? Beneath the soft exterior, I often sense a callous, resentful, selfish man who can not be trusted with my heart. And perhaps, I can not really trust him with anything at all.
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