Tuesday, July 9, 2024

Making Space

Meeting someone new is going to be difficult unless I make space for him. Up until now, I've been healing and the last thing I've needed is a rebound relationship, but now I'm ready. 

A poster in the Cassandra Group pointed out to me in similar wording that some of our men only respect other men, who they often feel intimated by. They unfortunately do not respect women. That dating someone else may be the initiation he needs to finally respect my boundaries. I can't help thinking that she's on to something, but I know that meeting someone else for this purpose only wouldn't be at all healthy either. However, as I begin to wrench open the gap between us, I can't help feeling the need for protection from another male. 
He isn't taking it well. 

No he doesn't shout and scream, but he does play games and the passive aggression in his messages regarding the children has ramped up enormously in recent weeks. He has taken to openly mocking much of what I say and challenges my requests for notice regarding changes to the childrens' routine with attacks about other things which he argues is no different. It makes me realise that I've allowed him to cross my boundaries so much since we separated, in some ways, to protect myself from his emotional cruelty when I don't behave the way he likes or dare to question him.

To make space for someone new, I am having to go longer without seeing our children, which is anxiety inducing, leaving them in his care for longer periods, as "care" isn't something which comes naturally to him. I have asked for more calls with the children as a result and I'm met with responses like "if there's time."

Yet, if he children were ill or needed him, he still has access to our home, which I do not have where he lives as I am not welcome there by his mother.

Even occasions where I have sought to collect the children or drop the children off directly at his parents' house I've been directly accused of "making things difficult." The irony. Having the children in a space where I am not welcome to deliver them to or collect them from, let alone visit, is extremely hard, and he has the audacity to call me difficult. He is governed by inner most beliefs that to the outer world, make little sense. That's because these beliefs are routed in his parents wants and needs and rules and anxieties, but he is blind to it. 

I will go 36 hours without seeing my children twice a week from now on, knowing that they are likely going to have illnesses ignored, emotional needs neglected, that any schooling needs which fall out of his usual routine will be cast aside and that if it's a hot day, he will not apply suncream or provide extra water. Their diets will consist of processed packet food during their time with him and they will not be encouraged to eat any fruits or vegetables at all. They will go to bed late and wake up tired and I'll pay for it all during my own time with them. 

It's a hefty price for myself and my children to pay, but it's time to make space for change and for love. 

Last night was the beginning of one of the first 36 hours away from them and I ashamedly drank gin and tonic and ate airfryer chips until late. This is what I worried about. That during the time away from them I'd engage in negative behaviour myself as a means of coping. Hopefully, next time, I'll use my gym membership instead and try to use my time positively. But I don't know. 
The space makes me anxious.

Yet, I can't help feeling that this space is much needed now if I'm going to move forward in my life and find someone worthy to finally share it with. The challenge of course, is getting used to sitting with the space initially. Space where I should be near my children, space which he never deserved to fill. 

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