Nothing major has actually materialised with Peter in that time until now. If anything, we seemed to have found a quiet rhythm, an acceptance of our weird, uncommon, co-parenting arrangement. He is still however residing with his parents.
My life on the other hand, has taken quite a turn over the last 12 months. My Dad became unwell, then died very suddenly. And as a result, myself, my sibling and my cousins inherited the care of our very elderly grandmother. It has been a lot.
Peter can do sympathy in short bursts I've discovered. He actually arrived at the hospital to see my Dad, without any prompting, to see him before he died. It was completely unexpected. He said he'd wanted to be there for me. He left 30 minutes before my Dad passed away. I'm glad he wasn't stood next to me during such a monumental moment in my life.
I'd have hated that.
He felt sorry for me for a week.
And a week later confronted me about my lack of communication regarding a pick-up time for the children. Breadcrumbs. We get used to those. And they're lethal.
Then, this week, just before I go to empty my father's home tomorrow, life has erupted with stress yet again. This time from the family cult of his- the FOO (family of origin). Most men like ours never fully break free from their birth family, never quite fully immerse themselves in the one in which they created.
My daughter came home from her father's/her grandparents' house at the weekend complaining that she felt antagonised by her aunt. (Sounded familiar). She explained that she keeps saying things to make my daughter react, which subsequently gets her into trouble with her Dad. She gave an example, and based on my previous experiences of his sister, I knew that she was telling the truth. I messaged Peter and explained the situation to him, as she'd explained it to me. How him telling her off was disappointing given the circumstances. He responded "ok" when I requested he looked out for her more. Advocates for her more. Historically he has either sided with his mother or sister after some inappropriate behaviour from either of them. Or swept it under the carpet following a brief acknowledgement.
Of course, we all know that "ok" means nothing in the world of a Peter. He may aswell be honest and just tell me to be quiet.
I saw his sister leaving the school run this week and confronted her about antagonising my child. I was immediately sworn at and hurled labels like "insane", "nuts" and "crazy". There are plenty of Cassandras out there who are familiar with this reaction. We get called crazy a lot for having feelings. I got quite angry, lost myself a bit. But left with some dignity intact after she raised her hand to me and I didn't react.
Peter's reaction has been rather telling.
From, unbothered, disinterested, neglectful and lazy in terms of his parenting, he is now furious with me. For upsetting his sister. See the double standards? He is never bothered when anyone upsets our child, but particularly not his FOO.
The enmeshment runs deep.
My last counsellor (who had met Peter twice) used to refer to them as a "cult not a family." His sister, who is in her forties, has involved their parents, in their mid seventies. I've explained to Peter that I've had my say. As far as I'm concerned that's it. But the punishments keep coming.
I'm not allowed to drop the children at the house or collect them says Peter- his sister lives elsewhere however. The only people this impacts negatively is our children. He is unable to prioritise them.
He is withdrawing some of the finances that enable myself and our children to remain in our family home.
He wants to reevaluate our childcare split.
The level of his reaction, or punishment as one might put it feels coercive. Controlling. My world feels unsteady suddenly. At a time of my life when I need my home to be my safe place.
I know that my confrontation partly stemmed from 4 years of not having confronted his sister for the role she played in our separation- which I've written about in earlier posts. She has been masquerading infront of me for over a year since her son joined my daughter's school. Parking her car unnecessarily close to my walking route, walking slowly infront of me to encourage proximity, the passive aggressive smiles and bizarre behaviour. It has grated on me for a long time. And I'm all out of tolerance.
What I find so difficult is seeing how easily and mightily he fights for his sister. And how terribly he supports our child.
He returned the girls last night and at the door, he delivered similar insults- "mental." "Need help." Along with his new conditions for coparenting.
Of course, part of me isn't surprised, but I am still disappointed.
I collected my children from school this afternoon and past three of the FOO. His parents like two bodyguards either side of his sister. Peter probably checking in:
"How did it go? Are you all ok?"
And then I've had to leave my children with these people this evening because it's his contact time. "Handover at a neutral location" as requested. And I wonder what it would take? What would it take for him to stand up for his own?
I don't know how long this house will be my home now. Or whether the subsequent unnecessary drama caused by the FOO being held accountable will ever die down. But I have to find a way to stand my ground. Because in normal families, mothers are praised for looking out for their children. In normal families, aunts don't take great pleasure in antagonising children and in most families, fathers don't condone it.
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