High functioning autism, as I perceive it now, is somebody who is hyper-alert and sensitive to their own needs, wants, discomforts and desires, whilst the outside world and all that it encompasses- feelings, wants, needs, discomforts is detached from them. It is, by nature, a self-centred disorder.
I believe that, having lived with Peter for 10 years, that he is fully capable of manipulating situations to benefit him- to ease his discomfort and to give him an advantage.
When I started dating Peter, several of our work colleagues congratulated me on beginning a relationship with such a "good bloke."
"He'll take good care of you!"
"He'd marry you tomorrow!"
"If I had my time again and I had to choose any man to marry- it would be Peter."
"Oh, I absolutely love Peter."
These are more or less, the exact messages I sas given; Peter was the best. Not the most attractive, or the most charming, or charismatic, but lovely.
By the way, we never did marry at all.
The general consensus is that people love Peter, because on the surface, he's kind, gentle and caring. Peter is able to mask for periods when it's important and work is no exception. Interestingly, I watched Peter socialise in several different groups when we worked and lived together and I saw how he changed depending on the company he was in. A lover of gossip, he could also contribute (carefully) to the bitching of people from other groups, people he was well associated with, before doing the same about the group he'd been involved in the bitching with. People didn't seem to get wise to Peter; he was everyone's best friend. But alongside him, I saw it.
Before meeting his Dad, his friends told me "he's just like Peter!"
"Lovely guy. Will do anything for anyone."
This is exactly how he came across, with a sprinkling of distrust thrown in- afterall, I was potentially going to disrupt the dysfunctional harmony of the FOO (family of origin) and he, like Peter is protective and possessive of it. But, it became clear after our first year together that infact, Peter's father is far from gentle- quite the opposite actually. He has a short fuse and I have since learned from Peter that he spent much of his childhood being shouted at; I also saw for myself that his mother was constantly met by his impatience and exasperation. His need to control everything became the obvious explanation for his "helpful" nature. Peter was learning from the master masker in his family.
Unbelievably, Peter is adamant that he had a wonderful childhood and that his father's outbursts had "no impact" on him. This is the level of his devotion and loyalty to the FOO. These links are deeply entrenched, which I think is a large part of the reason why some of these men never fully committ to us.
Is it not manipulative to paint yourself as one character in public and another in the privacy of your own home? Of course, we all act differently in some ways when we're in public and can fully relax and be ourselves at home, but the level of these personality changes are extreme. We call it "masking" and for many of us women who enter into intimate relationships with these people, we are deceived by the mask.
In counselling, we discussed Peter's behaviour during a particular situation. She has met Peter, as she gave us a session of relationship counselling just months ago- it is she who last suggested that Peter has ASD. She liked him a lot, just like many of the other 50-something women who told me they wish they'd married a Peter. She described him as "sweet."
However, I explained how, every Tuesday, I finish work early to collect the children from school to avoid the costs of wrap around care. Peter then would come home from work slightly earlier too to make dinner whilst I took them to their dance class. After dinner, he would put the children to bed and I would finish my work as I'd have to finish abruptly to get to school in time. Peter says he isn't able to do any school pick-ups at all due to the commitments of his job, I therefore asked him to support me in picking up the children on Tuesdays. This system has been in place for around a year. I told her how, when a social opportunity arose for Peter- on a Tuesday, he would suddenly forget that I had to work late to make up for my early finish and that he needed to do bedtime, as had been agreed. He would hold off telling me and then mention it when I was in the middle of something that needed my attention, knowing I couldn't think about it properly, knowing I'd struggle to complete my work on that day, knowing I'd probably just say yes to stop the onslaught of chatter from both him and the children.
Peter could have asked his friends to arrange it for another day, tell them he couldn't do it, but he never did. He always brought the ball back to me, to be his mother-figure, to avoid any disruption to his social group. To be deemed the easy friend- he's everyone's best friend don't forget. Just not mine. He would prefer to resent me than his friends, just as he would prefer to resent me over his family.
This exact situation happened twice within 4 weeks and the second time, she suggested to me that Peter is manipulative. That he manufactures situations so that I have to be the bearer of bad news, or traps me into agreeing to things that I don't have the time to really consider. It bothered her, I could see it on her face, because she was doing the same as me- questioning the "sweet" man that had sat before her just months before.
I believe that self-centredness is at the core of the disorder of high functioning autism. To feel comfort, reassurance, inclusion at all costs, even if it is at the detriment of the person they supposedly love and care for. This is why we become the enemy. Time becomes a resource to compete for when their are little children who need us both and love becomes a scarce reward for appeasing them.
Now that we're separated, Peter keeps reaching out for my attention, masked by questions and information about the children. It's torture for me as I can't quite break away from this relationship, which is what he wants, to continue possessing me in some way, any way. Several times, I've given in and reached out to him emotionally, just yesterday, he didn't respond to a very emotional message describing how he'd hurt me by implying that I should have put up with his mother blanking me, better.
Peter didn't respond.
He never does.
Many would say that this is largely due to his alexythmia, but I've seen him behave differently- reaching out to grieving friends and colleagues, painting the picture of the caring, doting friend. I'm the mother of his children and yet my distress is of no care to him- afterall, there is no audience to praise him for it.
https://www.healthline.com/health/autism/alexithymia
I could go on with events and situations which have been manipulated by Peter to work in his favour. I could spend all day writing about how he sought advantage from my vulnerability as a mother with a newborn, how he would put me into the position of "decision maker" when I was tired and then twist the situation to work for him and say "well you made the decision!"
And again, this brings me back to the nature of our condition, "Cassandra Syndrome" where our reality is a million miles from the reality that others see. Because some of these men really are the masters of masking and manipulation.
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