I usually avoid Tiki Tok and YouTube like the plague, preferring books written by renowned psychotherapists and heavily endorsed articles. However, what I'm realising is that real stories from real people can hugely get to the heart of your own experience. That revelation of "me too" and the sense of feeling less alone with our troubles can make us feel heard, validated, visible.
I'm thankful for the Cassandra Syndrome support group on Facebook, where there are over three thousand of us speaking the same stories, experiencing the same loneliness and despair. A lot of us share material that speaks to the sisterhood of sufferers and survivors of this unintentional, but undeniable, Emotional Abuse.
Many would argue that abuse needs to be intentional, but when you have cried out hundreds of times about the same hurt and the same causes and yet that person STILL fails to do anything to change or even just explore their own behaviour, surely we are now entering the realms of abuse? It's a secretive and silent abuse of emotional deprivation, invalidation, neglect, gaslighting and isolation. Many of us are mothers, trapped inside the home, exhausted, uncared for, unwanted, undesired, unloved and yet held on to, like possessions. This is not ok.
We are living in a world whereby the behaviours associated with high functioning autism are being more and more excused and as a result, my God, there are sufferers. Millions and millions of sufferers who have children with these people, have built homes with them and lives with them. And yet, these people can not relate at all beyond the day-to-day temporary masking. Of course they suffer too- everyday is a struggle for the neurodivergent. But these people DO NOT make for positive relationship material. You can call me ableist, discriminatory, whatever- I don't care. Because this truth remains. Eventually, you will no longer be cherished, you will not be desired and the minute that you disagree with them, raise an issue with them, you actually become the enemy.
I never wanted to break up my family like this and I never wanted Peter to leave- not really. I just wanted him to work harder at us and make me a priority, SHOW me that I mattered. I couldn't carry on the way things were anymore; I became convinced that I would become seriously ill. Peter can't help his ASD (that he still denies having btw, despite two psychotherapists suggesting otherwise), but he CAN help the effort he puts in to prioritise ME and US ! That has nothing, NOTHING to do with ASD. So, no I don't want Peter and I to separate, but the way I see things now, I have a home, I have my girls here with me, safe and sound, our finances are exactly the same as Peter is still covering most of our outgoings, so what have I lost? I've lost the black cloud in my life, but other than that, life is pretty much the same, aside from the fact that I'm practically much busier of course.
Life won't stay like this forever, but for now, I think I'm finding contentment. For now, Peter is ok living with his parents, the kids are ok, in their family home, I'm less overwhelmed because he's not here. We're all ok. Peter is likely to avoid change at all costs- we know that, so the worst that could happen is that life stays like this for a while, the best that could happen is that Peter seeks out the therapy he needs and starts to work on Us with a view to eventually returning home being able to properly committ and connect. I could probably wait this out for years if I wanted to.
The ball is well and truly in Peter's court.
For now, I'm going to make the most of the break and the freedom from our relationship and you know what, after Christmas, I might even start dating.
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