The last few days have been the hardest: the run up to Christmas; some of the things that he's said about me; the loneliness now that I've finished work for the holidays and the never ending to-do list with preparations for Christmas.
I know that things could feel much, much worse, but I prepared for this separation around two years before it actually happened. I was able to begin mapping out an independent life for myself shortly after the main wave of the Covid pandemic. We also had a trial separation during this time after I received a shielding letter through the post from my doctor due to my medical history and my risk of being seriously ill with Covid. I saw it as an opportunity- Peter was having to remain in work where Covid cases were rife, whereas I was able to work from home, so Peter moved out for three months.
During this trial, I learned that our youngest child was too young for him to leave just yet- she was a demanding, tiring, non-sleeping 2 year old having major meltdowns regularly and I was struggling on my own. I also learned that when the children were staying with him, my life felt pretty empty. I needed to work on that.
Peter came back home to help me with the children, but I knew that I would prepare for him to leave during this period of time. I was attending therapy once a month, which I've continued. I've been seeing the same therapist for four years and this ongoing therapy makes me feel validated and heard. It's so important to find someone to talk to. That really is the first step and it's one to hold on to whilst you're figuring things out.
Next, I joined a gym.
But not your average kind of gym. One with a spa pool, sauna, steam room, massage jets and jacuzzi. I have only ever used the gym once during my 2 year membership! I use the pool and when I don't have my children with me, I can go there to relax, recharge, spend time on myself. For a while, I wasn't sure I could afford the membership, but for the price of a meal out, I decided that the monthly payment was worth it and it has been. Every penny. Sometimes I don't make it for a week, but it's fine because I know it's always there for me when I need it. I really shopped around for the right gym membership- I wanted something special.
Then, I looked into holistic therapies to help ground me and heal my soul. I met a lady offering healing sessions: reiki, indian head massage and reflexology amongst other things. This opened doors to a "healing circle" which meets up once a month. These circles of women meet to share experiences, we do yoga, journalling, meditation and reiki. Some of the messages and activities are a little "out there" for me, but the sense of comfort and healing energy that comes from these meetings is immense. I have met other women in the circle and I can start to call some of them "friends."
I've joined a social support network for women in my area and attended events- books clubs, crafting, dance lessons which has helped me meet like-minded women. I'm starting to find new friendships and I can attend these events on my own, I don't need a friend to go with and I can still enjoy myself.
A big part of my journey has been filtering people out. This may seem counter-productive, as it creates more loneliness in an already lonely world as a Cassandra, but it's been necessary. Letting go of toxic people is important; I realised that not only had I chosen a partner with ASD, but a couple of my friends had it too and these friendships were very one-sided. Initially, life felt awful, but replacing these superficial friendships with opportunities for warmer, closer friendships to evolve has given me hope.
Becoming financially independent is a necessity when planning your escape. I'm still working on this, but I have managed to increase my part-time hours by a day, which is positive. There is scope for me to manage as a single parent on my current income, but I know that I will need to find other ways of increasing my earnings over the next few months.
De-coupling has been another way that I've prepared myself and disengaged from this relationship. Applying for new rewards cards as a single person and getting rid of joint ones, building up a small pot of savings where finances will allow and ensuring that I have atleast one separate bank account for all my earnings and outgoings. I also stopped spending time with him as a couple where it didn't nourish me and my life- Peter would suggest we go for meals out sometimes. This is primarily because he likes food. Nothing about it is to do with me and him, not really, additionally, that's what couples do don't they? Go to restaurants. So to Peter that's us having a relationship. I stopped all of that. Particularly as Peter would just witter on about work during these non-romantic dinners and I'd always get a bad case of IBS through my subconscious anxiety. I started saying no. No to meals out. No to accompanying him to his friends weddings, where he would ignore me all night and stand at the bar swigging down as much self-confidence as fast as he could. No to playing the role that he'd cast me in against my will.
My therapist told me yesterday that I'm doing really well. She says she's proud of me. I am managing, coping, surviving; I haven't broken or become dysfuctional and I think a big part of this has been in the preparations I made beforehand.
Even if you don't know for sure if you will leave, I'd suggest all of us Cassandras make preparations. Create an independent life that we can fall into should we need to at some point. Much of the advice I read is that spouses of ASD men ought to find ways to get their emotional needs met elsewhere. I agree. But I don't think that this is achievable in the long term for many of us. It is right to expect a level of intimacy in our closest, longest relationship and I personally don't believe that we should de-prioritise this need and replace it with zumba or having our nails painted in the long-term.
These things- like zumba, for example, will enrich our lives and give us an anchor for when we do need to leave. My short visits to the spa pool certainly give me that- a predictable, safe space that I can return to when I need to. I don't have much family around me and these small token gifts to myself have given me the strength I've needed to walk away. I don't feel prepared for the future- I don't know what life looks like for me as a single mum, but I know there is much upheaval to come. Sometimes, plans don't come together and sometimes, life has other ideas, but making small changes, attending that club or group, paying for that membership can go a long way in finding a way out.
We don't have to be Cassandra forever.
Excellent! So totally agree.
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