I am The Scapegoat

Yesterday was unsettling to say the least. 

Peter began to communicate but much of what he had to say was hurtful and worse than I really imagined. 

The reason he never responds to anything emotional from me? Through fear. Of what I might say, or if I should shout at him. Everything I've talked to him about- his suspected autism and the toxic behaviour of his family has also led to one verdict in his mind: I'm a narcissist.

This knocked me sideways, there's no denying that. Am I a narcissist? I've finally stood up to his mother and sister's dysfunctional behaviour to be met by no response; I've asserted my boundaries. Women shouldn't speak out, defend themselves, challenge and dare to practise self care, well you MUST be a narcissist. They have ignored me, collectively, to avoid me and my narcissistic behaviour. 

I am so sad today. So, so sad. 

Because it's one thing that he couldn't love me, understand, be a team player or support our relationship better, but it's another to be blamed for it and given a disordered label, one I believe his mother to have. 

When you create a family with someone, you begin a new family and loyalty to the FOO (family of origin) becomes a second priority. Despite their creepy obsessiveness and interferences over the years, them blanking me for having boundaries and no longer fuelling their need for attention, for standing up to it, he has turned on me. I am the bad guy. He is supposed to be the opposite- my biggest support, a team player. My intentions throughout this whole 10 years have been good. That is certain. Without doubt at all. I have only ever wanted to have a loving marriage and to be a good mum with his love and support in return. I wanted so badly to get along with his family, but I never belonged, I wasn't part of the FOO, so I was treated as a mere vessel for carrying more FOO members. They don't know me. I can not quite believe that this has been manipulated into me having some sort of personality disorder. It just gets worse. 

I've become the scapegoat for the toxic people he has around him- who need his Yes Man persona to make them feel good. His friends don't like me because I'm a feminist and for them, that translates as "man hater." An ex wife of his friendship group warned me that they were toxic and sexist; she told me about the adultery one of his friends enjoys participating in. 

Whilst Peter was telling me (or rather implying passively aggressively) what his friends think of me, I asked him if his friend still cheats on his wife. He was taken aback and began shouting about my disrespect for asking this question whilst the children were in the house. The children are young and have no idea what this even means, or even who I was talking about because he's kept all his friendships to himself anyway! He was the one unsettling them with his shouting. He couldn't bare to hear the truth- it triggered him. Why does me speaking about his friend, the adulterer trigger HIM? It's like he's creates a whole system of beliefs in his mind to comfort himself and these beliefs aren't reflective of the real world.

He has decided that I'm the bad egg. 

He will regularly refer to my own dysfunctional upbringing and quite rightly point out how imperfect they are. He sees all my past as the reasons for why I don't tolerate crappy behaviour- that I am the defective one. It makes perfect logical sense in his mind, everything was fine until I came along. Yet, I'm the one who has spent 8 years in therapy, acknowledging my own dysfunction and re-parenting myself.

So, I'm the scapegoat. Not only for his family, and even for his cheating friend for daring to bring it up, but also I am the scapegoat for his undiagnosed ASD. He actually accused me of putting thoughts into the head of the psychotherapist who suggested he had ASD. Yes, this is the level of scapegoating that he will go to. I made her think he has autism. Nothing to do with her 30+ years experience in psychotherapy, or the fact she even lectured psychotherapy at a renowned university; absolutely nothing to do with her qualifications. I am that narcissistic, that I can even get professionals to agree with me. 

I was hoping that Peter would commit to therapy and eventually come home, but that is so out of grasp now. I can see that. I'm glad yesterday happened because I now know where I stand, but my heart hurts. In my last post I wrote about my disappointment in him, but now, he's gone further than that, I never really knew him at all.