https://www.couplestherapyinc.com/cassandra-syndrome/
A much loved and missed relative used to remind me regularly as a child to "expect nothing, so not to be disappointed," but I've learned over time, that I was never supposed to take the lesson so literally. Some things in life demand expectation: a level of respect from family and friends; understanding and empathy from loved ones during tough times; gender equality; domestic equality, financial equality and in the case of an intimate relationship, it is reasonable and right to expect love and intimacy.
Peter told me today that he "wants to hold" me "all the time." But he wasn't trying to instigate any form of reconciliation. He was chatting to me in the kitchen about the children and this huge sense of him wanting to hold me washed over me and it felt so strong that I asked him, straight out. I said "am I right in sensing that you are wanting to touch me at this moment?" I've nothing to lose, have I?
He then responded with the above... he apparently wants to hold me all the time. He then continued our previous topic of conversation after an awkward pause and a look of desperate sadness.
So the feelings I'm getting from him- that he's missing me, he wants to hold me, he's sad and struggling, appear to be close to what is going on for him. What is sad and disappointing is that he is willing to suffer and lose his home, me and the children before making any changes or exploring therapy to improve things. He would rather suffer than grow or change. He chooses his ego and pride over us. He would rather suppress all of his feelings, his desires and even his own happiness to be "right."
Knowing that Peter does care, that he does feel love; he just can't express it or even deal with it, makes this whole thing harder. Sometimes, it's like Peter doesn't feel at all, like he doesn't care, but I suspect he is quite often overwhelmed by the intensity of his own feelings. I asked Peter if he thought it normal to suppress his feelings like he does?
"I don't know."
"I don't know what you want me to say..."
The usual responses we hear from our ASD men.
I said that there must be a reason why he does it, because it isn't a neurotypical response and that there ought to be a reason: autism or trauma. He shrugged his shoulders. He will admit that he struggles with all the struggles that ASD men struggle with, but the minute I explore a potential cause, he shuts down and tells me that he had a wonderful childhood and that he isn't autistic. Slams the stone wall in my face.
I can't help Peter.
I've tried, made myself ill trying and it seems that he won't help himself either. Peter is not the man I thought he was and it's a heavy disappointment to carry. He could be so much more, if he chose therapy, chose to grow, reflect on his behaviour and commit. But he won't. His thinking is narrow and linear and he can't see the bigger picture and he doesn't want to try. He fears being wrong or defective.
As for me, I feel like I'm blossoming in a small way since he left. I boxed and muted myself for a long time to fit into Peter's close and rather enmeshed FOO (family of origin) and the freedom of no longer having to dim my light for fear of upsetting his passive aggressively green-eyed mother and sister is liberating. But at the same time, it's disappointing. So disappointing, because Peter chose them- by not fighting my corner, by every request he made to me to "just ignore it," by worrying more that I might upset them more than worrying that they were upsetting me.
He has let me down.
A big part of me hoped and naively thought that he would eventually pull himself together, kick himself up the backside, see things clearly, get the help he needs, because I was working so hard to keep our family together despite everything. But, hard work doesn't always pay off. Sometimes, hard work is for nothing, exhausting yourself is all for nothing and for me, that is the most disappointing part of it all. The energy, time and love that has been wasted on him.
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