Conditional Love

Finally, I think I'm entering the realms of proper healing and genuine understanding of the situation of my failed relationship with Peter. 

If I'm honest, even when writing this blog, I've often been second guessing myself when describing my experiences, even when I've written adamantly and articulately about Peter so many times. Deep down, I've been often thinking:

-He has good intentions

-He would never hurt anyone on purpose

-He's good deeep down

-Everyone else likes him, it must be me

-He's one of the few good guys around

-He's always apologising to strangers and has low self esteem... it must be me.

Since seeing my life coach, I've had to spend an intense period of time with Peter on a family break which had been booked before the split. I observed him from a whole different standpoint, instead of observing him as a bit helpless and unintentionally anatagonistic, with some naive empathy, I watched him from a safer distance.

I saw how me mocks me regularly when I make a suggestion or share an opinion, sometimes not with words, but with a patronising, egotistical smirk and eye roll. I watched him condescend light hearted thoughts I shared on global news stories when I was trying to keep the conversation civil between us; I felt his derogatory, demeaning persona with a true empathy for my own feelings at last, rather than for his. I watched him blame me for anything that wasn't perfect. I saw an angry, bitter, mysoginistic, mood hoover of a man who will do anything to inflict feelings of unhappiness and unease. 

At some point in our relationship, I broke the rules and challenged his limiting, fucked up beliefs. And I'm still being punished. He hasn't forgotten and he hasn't stopped feeling those personal, delusional feelings of betrayal at minor disagreements we've had in the past or requests for him to do things differently. I think that Peter sees me as a reflection of himself and his low self esteem is supposed to affect me and bring me down too.  

I was never supposed to pressure him, disagree with him, challenge him, place expectations on him, love him? He is a solitary being, never supposed to become intimately involved with another human being. Afterall, he managed 32 years of never being in a romantic relationship; who the hell was I to come along with all my romantic and family expectations?

I am seeing everything so differently. It worries me more so because I really think that there is some sort of personality disorder there. This article bravely explores the link or closeness between narcissism and ASD:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201406/do-you-think-narcissism-autistic-spectrum-disorder

A covert narcissist's love is often conditional and I broke the conditions of love a long time ago. 

Now I see it, I can start the slow process of recovery; there will certainly be no dating until I've spent a good degree of time healing from what can only be described as psychological abuse. I think Peter abuses himself too- doesn't allow himself to flourish or be happy and I was never supposed to grow or develop and flourish despite him. But you know, I think I am flourishing: in knowledge, in educating myself every single day and trying to understand the crappy hell hole he's created for us. I broke the invisible conditions of this "situationship" with Peter some time ago.

I have so many questions moving forward, like, will his love for our children be conditional too? 

I can only imagine that he has been subjected to conditional love himself, by his mother. Only last week, my eldest daughter told me that Peter's mother had accused her of not loving her. What sort of adult puts that on the shoulders of a young child? Luckily, my daughter is well balanced and called the behaviour out straight away as "mean." I'm proud of her. So proud. 

I'm teaching her that love isn't conditional, that we can be mad and still love each other, we can disagree and still love each other. 

I'd always mildly considered that Peter had elements of covert narcissism, but I think I've only recently been ready to face up to it. I wasn't ready to stop loving him for a long time. I still feel sad, but also I've come to terms with the notion that this separation HAS to happen, that I HAVE to get away from this man. 

I find myself wondering if he knows, deep down, what he's truly like. His refusal to engage in relationship therapy when she worked out his ASD, his refusal to put any effort into our relationship yet happy to fall back in to a situationship with me. His "humiliation" when we separated, not heartbreak. I think even he knows there's something not quite right with him deep down.

It was all for show. 

I was expected to tow the line. 

His love was conditional from the beginning. If he'd been a grandiose, extroverted narcissist, I guess I would have avoided him like the plague. He would have reminded me of my Dad. But a covert narcissist is sneakier, creepier, more dangerous in many ways. I genuinely chose him because I thought he was one of the good guys. His low self esteem should never have been empathised with, just avoided at all costs. 

My message for anyone trying to figure out what's wrong with their man, who might be going through similar, would be to forget the labels for now. Watch and observe him. Watch how he destroys any potential for fun and happiness, watch how your body tenses up around him, watch the eye rolls and snidey smirks, observe him. Then ask yourself, how does all this make me feel? Because you deserve to feel good. Don't all of us?

Two years ago, I contacted a women's helpline for advice on leaving my unfulfilling relationship. When I described Peter's behaviour, she referred me to a charity for women who are victims of emotional abuse. I cancelled my appointment because I felt silly at the time- I'm not being abused! I felt like I was using up valuable resources. After this week, I have observed how this psychological abuse plays out during instense time spent together. I've observed how it makes me feel. I've observed it destroy my sense of happiness. If that isn't psychological abuse, then what is? Because the key isn't analysing them really- the key is in analysing you. 

How does he really make you feel? 

Naive Hope

So, Peter finally opened up to me and put in writing that he is unwilling to make any efforts to save our relationship or change, primarily because he "can't sustain it." This comes as the result of him asking me if he could come home and me presenting him with a list of things that need to change. I said that the only response I would accept was one in writing, because that way, we could avoid all of the "don't knows" and deflection. 

Yesterday, I saw my life coach and after a very thorough and inspiring session with her, she concluded that depsite my "together" presentation, I am actually still living in hope. She's right. I'm glad this surfaced. We began to explore why, what is it about Peter that leaves me holding on? I spoke about some of the "kind" things that he does for me despite separating; the half hearted £1 daffodils he gave me for valentines day; the cup of tea he brought to me in bed when I was ill. She concluded that Peter is "breadcrumbing" me and explained that this is what covert narcissists do to keep their victims attached. We also explored the wording he chose to describe how he felt about the separation when I forced him to leave. Not heartbroken, not sad or upset, he felt "humiliated" which is an egotistical response befitting that of a covert narcissist. 

She told me that I deserve someone very different to Peter and listed a few reasons why. She explained that currently, as it stands, there is no space for this nicer person to enter my life because Peter is well and truly still in it. 

We discussed the reasons why the separation hasn't been made properly and my worries about the children staying with him overnight; the complexities of the sleeping arrangements at his parents' house and the added burden on them. I realised that, not only am I thinking of Peter in all this, but also Peter's parents who clearly don't give a monkeys about me! I realised that it is time for his parents to face the consequences of a situation that they've helped to create. 

I talked about Peter's parents and their behaviours over recent years and my coach agreed that they have helped create the monster in this situation. They have to face it as much as anyone else does. They have to give up space in their home; their peace and quiet; their independent lives to accommodate their own shit. They have driven wedges, not only been unwelcoming but made it clear that I have been unwanted and so, their son returns and our two children are a part of him. They have to give up space to accommodate them too. The children have to stay with them sometimes if they want to keep their son with them.  The other option of course would be to support him to live the independent and autonomous life that you would expect of a 42 year old man. She compared Peter's current relationship with the children as "like a grandparent"- able to put them to bed and then leave and enter the comfort of his surroundings at his parents' house. She believes that nothing about this situation is difficult for Peter, despite his contradictory comments about it being hard.

We talked of my values which we covered some years ago. Number 1 is Freedom and in contrast, number 2 is Stability. We believe that I'm battling over my values at present- wanting the space and freedom from Peter, but also needing the Stability that my childhood years failed to give me. This possibly, is where this naive hope stems from. So now, it's about imagining a new stable. What could stable look like? We talked about ways to become more financially independent and spent time nurturing a business idea I've had which could bring in extra income.

As for Peter, she likened the difference between covert narcissism and aspergers as the difference between murder and manslaughter. The outcome is that he's still killing me. Well, when you put it like that. These hostile behaviors are innate regardless; we NT women have to stop making excuses and finding reasons for the way these men treat us. I guess psychopaths can't help being psychopaths, it doesn't mean that we should set up home with them, does it?! I am not likening autism to psychopathic behaviour at all- more highlighting that the behaviour of someone with autism can not be helped, unless they want to help it. 

Peter has finally made it clear to me that he does not want to change; he has zero intentions of changing. What more do I need to know? 

I need to get through the next week as my children have a busy time ahead and then I can focus on having that conversation with Peter- the one where I shift all responsibility and consequence back to him and his parents and finally start to make space in my life properly for new beginnings and maybe in the future, a new, loving and healthy relationship. 

The Next Phase of Separation

It's been a whirlwind three and a half months since Peter left. Unfortunately, I'm still on his roller coaster it seems, even if he is in my space much less. 

Co-parenting with Peter has been ok overall. He hasn't wanted to cause any disharmony where the children are concerned; he is seeing them regularly, but whether he needs to or not is another matter. Considering how practically hands on he's always been with the children and how physically present he has been since they came along, it has shocked me how easy it has been for him to spend days away from them. This isn't something I'd ever really anticipated, however it was something that others warned me would happen. When he's not with the children, he doesn't appear to spare a thought for them: no texts, no phone calls, no check-ins at all. Out of sight, out of mind. 

The children have started to get used to being apart from him for two days at a time, although he still has regular contact with them. He is still staying with his parents, which offers both convenience and challenge at the same time. The children can't stay overnight regularly due to a lack of space and awkward sleeping arrangements. So, the children are in my care overnight 6-7 nights a week, which is exhausting when they're waking after bad dreams or for 3am cuddles. However, I feel more comfortable that they're mainly in my care. I've been ill a couple of times since Christmas and because the children couldn't stay with Peter, he came to stay with us, which is highly confusing for all involved. I'm in this catch-22 situation of feeling comfortable with the arrangements and yet life can't really move forward either. Seeing him, being under the same roof as him too often is problematic for my emotions. Peter also knows no boundaries and is polite in every situation (because, that's what he's trained himself to do of course) and even after we've had an emotional altercation and he's eagerly walked away from it, returning to his old bedroom at his parents' house, he comes back the following day to see the children and says things to me like "have a nice day." He really doesn't seem to care. 

It's easy to find this dynamic antagonistic. Sometimes, I genuinely think that Peter is needling me on purpose, then there's his possessive side, wanting to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times and it's weird and creepy. He doesn't have to let me go when we're operating as dysfuctionally as this. 

I'm off to see my life coach next week, for the first time in around 18 months. I'll be seeking some clarity from her and hopefully we can formulate a plan moving forward. 

There is an edge to Peter. I've discussed it in the Cassandra Support Group over the last couple of days. There are many overlaps in symptoms between covert narcissism and high functioning autism, although the absence of "intention to hurt or cause harm" appears to be the fundamental difference between the two from the research I've done. But what about the absence of care? Peter does not care that my heart is hurting in this current set-up because it works for him. He said to me "I could continue this set-up indefinitely." This has been an ongoing theme over the last 10 years where Peter does not care about my feelings if he believes that he is right. Is this a part of the condition or something else? They may aswell be covert narcissists to us because what difference does intention make to the outcome forced upon us? None. And nothing changes when there is a lack of care. I imagine his friends and work colleagues all worrying about him, offering help and support, he's always been perceived as a bit of a victim. He'll play everything down and be quiet and they'll think it's because he's hurting, but they won't realise that really, it's because he doesn't care.

Some posters in the group have suggested that the parenting of the ASD partner is to blame for a covertly narcissistic presentation. Their disability has been covered up, pandered to, excused and they have been spoiled to make up for their deficits. Some parents of ASD children even take on life's consequences for them, make efforts for them and the ASD adult child then gets to reap rewards for efforts which they never had to make. I've known Peter's parents actually learn how to do their adult childrens jobs and complete work for them when they are struggling to meet deadlines. ASD males already struggle with introspection and with parents who cover up and deny their differences as opposed to working with them and supporting them to become independent and autonomous, what are they creating? An even bigger disability through disabling them.  Peter is living rent-free with his parents; he informed me that they are even buying his food. He has left his family to become an overgrown teenager again; how is this helping Peter? How are they giving him the tools to function in life without them? He's been shielded and sheltered from hard work, from reflection, from self improvement rather than supported to grow and develop and adjust. I can't help but see him as a bit of a loser these days, which has definitely helped me sever some of those ties, but it also makes me sad. 

I'm worried to have the discussions with Peter that are needed as I'm met with cognitive dissonance- he says one thing and does another, or he says something and then says the opposite. It's like even he doesn't know what he wants or what he's thinking. It's like trying to converse with the wind. He's possibly waiting for his parents to tell him what to do next, a common theme throughout his life.

 I have been advised to seek help from a mediator who will sit with the two of us to work out a way forward, but that all feels very final doesn't it? The other part of me is screaming, "final, YES final is what you need!!" But final also means potentially having to part with my children more and entrusting them into his reckless, emotionally negligent care. Nobody would believe my concerns if he were to take me to court for 50/50 custody- he's an upstanding gentleman, a qualified teacher with heightened pastoral experience within schools (can you believe that?!) This is the level of his masking. 

His parenting is average. He's task focused and object orientated- constantly searching for the childrens physical "things" as if life depends on it. Our eldest child is going through early puberty and she seeks out emotional input from him which he's just not capable of. I feel like I have to be everything to the children at times because of his shortfalls. He's just a physical presence, a tangible manifestation of energy which comes and goes and rests easy at night, whilst myself and the children wake from bad dreams, odd noises and seek out comfort from each other in the absence of the man who was brought here to love and protect us. 

Peter is too comfortable with the situation too. He's suddenly embraced a health kick after years of him sabotaging my efforts for us to become healthier. He has time to focus on himself, whilst I have much less. Something has to change at some point, I just don't know what that change looks like yet, or how to go about it, for fear of where he'll subtly and passively move his next, outwardly innocent chess piece.