Naive Hope

So, Peter finally opened up to me and put in writing that he is unwilling to make any efforts to save our relationship or change, primarily because he "can't sustain it." This comes as the result of him asking me if he could come home and me presenting him with a list of things that need to change. I said that the only response I would accept was one in writing, because that way, we could avoid all of the "don't knows" and deflection. 

Yesterday, I saw my life coach and after a very thorough and inspiring session with her, she concluded that depsite my "together" presentation, I am actually still living in hope. She's right. I'm glad this surfaced. We began to explore why, what is it about Peter that leaves me holding on? I spoke about some of the "kind" things that he does for me despite separating; the half hearted £1 daffodils he gave me for valentines day; the cup of tea he brought to me in bed when I was ill. She concluded that Peter is "breadcrumbing" me and explained that this is what covert narcissists do to keep their victims attached. We also explored the wording he chose to describe how he felt about the separation when I forced him to leave. Not heartbroken, not sad or upset, he felt "humiliated" which is an egotistical response befitting that of a covert narcissist. 

She told me that I deserve someone very different to Peter and listed a few reasons why. She explained that currently, as it stands, there is no space for this nicer person to enter my life because Peter is well and truly still in it. 

We discussed the reasons why the separation hasn't been made properly and my worries about the children staying with him overnight; the complexities of the sleeping arrangements at his parents' house and the added burden on them. I realised that, not only am I thinking of Peter in all this, but also Peter's parents who clearly don't give a monkeys about me! I realised that it is time for his parents to face the consequences of a situation that they've helped to create. 

I talked about Peter's parents and their behaviours over recent years and my coach agreed that they have helped create the monster in this situation. They have to face it as much as anyone else does. They have to give up space in their home; their peace and quiet; their independent lives to accommodate their own shit. They have driven wedges, not only been unwelcoming but made it clear that I have been unwanted and so, their son returns and our two children are a part of him. They have to give up space to accommodate them too. The children have to stay with them sometimes if they want to keep their son with them.  The other option of course would be to support him to live the independent and autonomous life that you would expect of a 42 year old man. She compared Peter's current relationship with the children as "like a grandparent"- able to put them to bed and then leave and enter the comfort of his surroundings at his parents' house. She believes that nothing about this situation is difficult for Peter, despite his contradictory comments about it being hard.

We talked of my values which we covered some years ago. Number 1 is Freedom and in contrast, number 2 is Stability. We believe that I'm battling over my values at present- wanting the space and freedom from Peter, but also needing the Stability that my childhood years failed to give me. This possibly, is where this naive hope stems from. So now, it's about imagining a new stable. What could stable look like? We talked about ways to become more financially independent and spent time nurturing a business idea I've had which could bring in extra income.

As for Peter, she likened the difference between covert narcissism and aspergers as the difference between murder and manslaughter. The outcome is that he's still killing me. Well, when you put it like that. These hostile behaviors are innate regardless; we NT women have to stop making excuses and finding reasons for the way these men treat us. I guess psychopaths can't help being psychopaths, it doesn't mean that we should set up home with them, does it?! I am not likening autism to psychopathic behaviour at all- more highlighting that the behaviour of someone with autism can not be helped, unless they want to help it. 

Peter has finally made it clear to me that he does not want to change; he has zero intentions of changing. What more do I need to know? 

I need to get through the next week as my children have a busy time ahead and then I can focus on having that conversation with Peter- the one where I shift all responsibility and consequence back to him and his parents and finally start to make space in my life properly for new beginnings and maybe in the future, a new, loving and healthy relationship.