Sunday, February 12, 2023

The Next Phase of Separation

It's been a whirlwind three and a half months since Peter left. Unfortunately, I'm still on his roller coaster it seems, even if he is in my space much less. 

Co-parenting with Peter has been ok overall. He hasn't wanted to cause any disharmony where the children are concerned; he is seeing them regularly, but whether he needs to or not is another matter. Considering how practically hands on he's always been with the children and how physically present he has been since they came along, it has shocked me how easy it has been for him to spend days away from them. This isn't something I'd ever really anticipated, however it was something that others warned me would happen. When he's not with the children, he doesn't appear to spare a thought for them: no texts, no phone calls, no check-ins at all. Out of sight, out of mind. 

The children have started to get used to being apart from him for two days at a time, although he still has regular contact with them. He is still staying with his parents, which offers both convenience and challenge at the same time. The children can't stay overnight regularly due to a lack of space and awkward sleeping arrangements. So, the children are in my care overnight 6-7 nights a week, which is exhausting when they're waking after bad dreams or for 3am cuddles. However, I feel more comfortable that they're mainly in my care. I've been ill a couple of times since Christmas and because the children couldn't stay with Peter, he came to stay with us, which is highly confusing for all involved. I'm in this catch-22 situation of feeling comfortable with the arrangements and yet life can't really move forward either. Seeing him, being under the same roof as him too often is problematic for my emotions. Peter also knows no boundaries and is polite in every situation (because, that's what he's trained himself to do of course) and even after we've had an emotional altercation and he's eagerly walked away from it, returning to his old bedroom at his parents' house, he comes back the following day to see the children and says things to me like "have a nice day." He really doesn't seem to care. 

It's easy to find this dynamic antagonistic. Sometimes, I genuinely think that Peter is needling me on purpose, then there's his possessive side, wanting to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times and it's weird and creepy. He doesn't have to let me go when we're operating as dysfuctionally as this. 

I'm off to see my life coach next week, for the first time in around 18 months. I'll be seeking some clarity from her and hopefully we can formulate a plan moving forward. 

There is an edge to Peter. I've discussed it in the Cassandra Support Group over the last couple of days. There are many overlaps in symptoms between covert narcissism and high functioning autism, although the absence of "intention to hurt or cause harm" appears to be the fundamental difference between the two from the research I've done. But what about the absence of care? Peter does not care that my heart is hurting in this current set-up because it works for him. He said to me "I could continue this set-up indefinitely." This has been an ongoing theme over the last 10 years where Peter does not care about my feelings if he believes that he is right. Is this a part of the condition or something else? They may aswell be covert narcissists to us because what difference does intention make to the outcome forced upon us? None. And nothing changes when there is a lack of care. I imagine his friends and work colleagues all worrying about him, offering help and support, he's always been perceived as a bit of a victim. He'll play everything down and be quiet and they'll think it's because he's hurting, but they won't realise that really, it's because he doesn't care.

Some posters in the group have suggested that the parenting of the ASD partner is to blame for a covertly narcissistic presentation. Their disability has been covered up, pandered to, excused and they have been spoiled to make up for their deficits. Some parents of ASD children even take on life's consequences for them, make efforts for them and the ASD adult child then gets to reap rewards for efforts which they never had to make. I've known Peter's parents actually learn how to do their adult childrens jobs and complete work for them when they are struggling to meet deadlines. ASD males already struggle with introspection and with parents who cover up and deny their differences as opposed to working with them and supporting them to become independent and autonomous, what are they creating? An even bigger disability through disabling them.  Peter is living rent-free with his parents; he informed me that they are even buying his food. He has left his family to become an overgrown teenager again; how is this helping Peter? How are they giving him the tools to function in life without them? He's been shielded and sheltered from hard work, from reflection, from self improvement rather than supported to grow and develop and adjust. I can't help but see him as a bit of a loser these days, which has definitely helped me sever some of those ties, but it also makes me sad. 

I'm worried to have the discussions with Peter that are needed as I'm met with cognitive dissonance- he says one thing and does another, or he says something and then says the opposite. It's like even he doesn't know what he wants or what he's thinking. It's like trying to converse with the wind. He's possibly waiting for his parents to tell him what to do next, a common theme throughout his life.

 I have been advised to seek help from a mediator who will sit with the two of us to work out a way forward, but that all feels very final doesn't it? The other part of me is screaming, "final, YES final is what you need!!" But final also means potentially having to part with my children more and entrusting them into his reckless, emotionally negligent care. Nobody would believe my concerns if he were to take me to court for 50/50 custody- he's an upstanding gentleman, a qualified teacher with heightened pastoral experience within schools (can you believe that?!) This is the level of his masking. 

His parenting is average. He's task focused and object orientated- constantly searching for the childrens physical "things" as if life depends on it. Our eldest child is going through early puberty and she seeks out emotional input from him which he's just not capable of. I feel like I have to be everything to the children at times because of his shortfalls. He's just a physical presence, a tangible manifestation of energy which comes and goes and rests easy at night, whilst myself and the children wake from bad dreams, odd noises and seek out comfort from each other in the absence of the man who was brought here to love and protect us. 

Peter is too comfortable with the situation too. He's suddenly embraced a health kick after years of him sabotaging my efforts for us to become healthier. He has time to focus on himself, whilst I have much less. Something has to change at some point, I just don't know what that change looks like yet, or how to go about it, for fear of where he'll subtly and passively move his next, outwardly innocent chess piece. 

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