If I'm honest, even when writing this blog, I've often been second guessing myself when describing my experiences, even when I've written adamantly and articulately about Peter so many times. Deep down, I've been often thinking:
-He has good intentions
-He would never hurt anyone on purpose
-He's good deeep down
-Everyone else likes him, it must be me
-He's one of the few good guys around
-He's always apologising to strangers and has low self esteem... it must be me.
Since seeing my life coach, I've had to spend an intense period of time with Peter on a family break which had been booked before the split. I observed him from a whole different standpoint, instead of observing him as a bit helpless and unintentionally anatagonistic, with some naive empathy, I watched him from a safer distance.
I saw how me mocks me regularly when I make a suggestion or share an opinion, sometimes not with words, but with a patronising, egotistical smirk and eye roll. I watched him condescend light hearted thoughts I shared on global news stories when I was trying to keep the conversation civil between us; I felt his derogatory, demeaning persona with a true empathy for my own feelings at last, rather than for his. I watched him blame me for anything that wasn't perfect. I saw an angry, bitter, mysoginistic, mood hoover of a man who will do anything to inflict feelings of unhappiness and unease.
At some point in our relationship, I broke the rules and challenged his limiting, fucked up beliefs. And I'm still being punished. He hasn't forgotten and he hasn't stopped feeling those personal, delusional feelings of betrayal at minor disagreements we've had in the past or requests for him to do things differently. I think that Peter sees me as a reflection of himself and his low self esteem is supposed to affect me and bring me down too.
I was never supposed to pressure him, disagree with him, challenge him, place expectations on him, love him? He is a solitary being, never supposed to become intimately involved with another human being. Afterall, he managed 32 years of never being in a romantic relationship; who the hell was I to come along with all my romantic and family expectations?
I am seeing everything so differently. It worries me more so because I really think that there is some sort of personality disorder there. This article bravely explores the link or closeness between narcissism and ASD:
A covert narcissist's love is often conditional and I broke the conditions of love a long time ago.
Now I see it, I can start the slow process of recovery; there will certainly be no dating until I've spent a good degree of time healing from what can only be described as psychological abuse. I think Peter abuses himself too- doesn't allow himself to flourish or be happy and I was never supposed to grow or develop and flourish despite him. But you know, I think I am flourishing: in knowledge, in educating myself every single day and trying to understand the crappy hell hole he's created for us. I broke the invisible conditions of this "situationship" with Peter some time ago.
I have so many questions moving forward, like, will his love for our children be conditional too?
I can only imagine that he has been subjected to conditional love himself, by his mother. Only last week, my eldest daughter told me that Peter's mother had accused her of not loving her. What sort of adult puts that on the shoulders of a young child? Luckily, my daughter is well balanced and called the behaviour out straight away as "mean." I'm proud of her. So proud.
I'm teaching her that love isn't conditional, that we can be mad and still love each other, we can disagree and still love each other.
I'd always mildly considered that Peter had elements of covert narcissism, but I think I've only recently been ready to face up to it. I wasn't ready to stop loving him for a long time. I still feel sad, but also I've come to terms with the notion that this separation HAS to happen, that I HAVE to get away from this man.
I find myself wondering if he knows, deep down, what he's truly like. His refusal to engage in relationship therapy when she worked out his ASD, his refusal to put any effort into our relationship yet happy to fall back in to a situationship with me. His "humiliation" when we separated, not heartbreak. I think even he knows there's something not quite right with him deep down.
It was all for show.
I was expected to tow the line.
His love was conditional from the beginning. If he'd been a grandiose, extroverted narcissist, I guess I would have avoided him like the plague. He would have reminded me of my Dad. But a covert narcissist is sneakier, creepier, more dangerous in many ways. I genuinely chose him because I thought he was one of the good guys. His low self esteem should never have been empathised with, just avoided at all costs.
My message for anyone trying to figure out what's wrong with their man, who might be going through similar, would be to forget the labels for now. Watch and observe him. Watch how he destroys any potential for fun and happiness, watch how your body tenses up around him, watch the eye rolls and snidey smirks, observe him. Then ask yourself, how does all this make me feel? Because you deserve to feel good. Don't all of us?
Two years ago, I contacted a women's helpline for advice on leaving my unfulfilling relationship. When I described Peter's behaviour, she referred me to a charity for women who are victims of emotional abuse. I cancelled my appointment because I felt silly at the time- I'm not being abused! I felt like I was using up valuable resources. After this week, I have observed how this psychological abuse plays out during instense time spent together. I've observed how it makes me feel. I've observed it destroy my sense of happiness. If that isn't psychological abuse, then what is? Because the key isn't analysing them really- the key is in analysing you.
How does he really make you feel?
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