Psychology Today describes what gaslighting is here:
Notice the wording "deliberately," and this is where the grey area lies for women who are living with men who are repeatedly and systematically subjecting women to what can only be described as "unintentional gaslighting."
Unlike those wanting to inflict intentional harm, as described in the article, the primary aim of an unintentional gaslighter is to protect themselves. No matter what. They must protect themselves from blame, from looking defective in any way, shape or form. This comes at the huge detriment of the mental health of a Cassandra. Their aim isn't to cause a spouse to question their sanity or to cause them deliberate harm, it's a reflex behaviour inbuilt in some types of men, considered to have ASD to protect themselves.
A good example of this is something that happened yesterday. I returned home from doing my hobby and it was Peter's turn to put the children to bed at my house. This is always the case on Wednesdays at the moment, although it won't be forever. I walked in and made a conscious effort to lock the front door and hang the key up afterwards, because I always hang the key in a particular place in the evenings so that I can reach it easily to escape should there ever be a fire. I vividly remember turning the key in that lock.
Then, Peter got up, put his shoes on and was about to leave, he headed towards the front door after a brief conversation, then he turned and came back to the kitchen to ask me something else. His key was in his hand.
He then approached the front door again and said "you never locked this door- you need to remember to always lock the door." I told him that I remember that I did and that he must have opened it when he approached the door the first time when he was about to leave. Now, had I not vividly remembered locking the door myself, I probably would have taken the blame, shrugged and thought nothing of it, but I wasn't taking the blame when I knew this was his mistake.
He stood there and continued arguing that it was me. I became very assertive on this occasion, pointed at him sternly, like a child and told him to stop treating me as his scapegoat and to accept that perhaps he had made a mistake.
His body language was tense, he never raises his voice, but he looked angry inside, his eyes wide, sullen, injured, attacked. Some people may say that he's playing mind games- that he did this on purpose to make me question myself, but he didn't. This is him. All over.
It's so trivial. None of it matters.
But he could not accept that he had made a mistake and was happy to blame me for it. This is unintentional gaslighting. And do you know what? It is not ok.
It is not ok to always be accused of being the defective one because they fear having any flaws themselves. It's not ok to never take responsibility or accountability. It's not ok to deny someone their feelings day after day after day just because feelings make them feel uncomfortable.
When someone is this selfish, because that is the exact cause of unintentional gaslighting, pure selfishness, it's manslaughter. As I've said so many times on this blog, the outcome is the same. It happens when someone will go to all lengths to protect their delusional, small minded perception of themselves.
It is gaslighting.
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