Letter to Peter: We Missed Out.

We missed out on so much.

Did you ever realise that?

We never had an "our song;" never once celebrated an anniversary after the first year. There was no marriage because you said things just weren't "good enough" between us, as if you were waiting for some sort of fairytale romance to sweep us up- yet you refused to create it yourself and resisted my efforts. 

I missed out on sharing the same surname as you and our children, through waiting to be married like we said we would. You told me not to ask you, but you never asked me either. Eventually, you said I didn't like you enough to marry you, so you could never ask me. I think you were right. Ironically, it never bothered you enough to leave me though. The first ever wedding we attended together, you insisted on catching my eye throughout the vows, stroking my ring finger as you did so. I always felt I must have done something awful to have made you change your mind so drastically after that.

There were few "our moments," afterwards. I'd search for your eyes during happy times, looking for a tender acknowledgement, but your eyes were always searching somewhere else. 

Our sex was predictable, always the same routine. We never once had sex whilst playing music; we never did it in the car or on the kitchen table. We never talked about sex; you made me feel like it was dirty. I've never felt that way about sex before. You never once mentioned sex in a text message, infact you never once sent me a flirtatious message in the whole time we were together.

It all became so half-hearted, didn't it? 

You unchose me but kept me for yourself. Why did you do that? 

You missed out on romance for many years of your life prior to me. I wasn't your first love, but I was your first commitment... if that's what you can call it. Because you never really did commit to me, did you? Instead, always waiting for things to get better without ever making them better. You missed out on me; I missed out on you, because really, deep down, we never properly had each other, did we? I've been on my own this whole time. A mere player in your role play.