Autism and Family Toxicity

I think I'm getting my head around what I've been dealing with after months of mental turbulence and over-analysing. Some people would tell me to drop it, "move on, you'll never understand!" But I have to, for my children who remain a part of Peter and his family.

Finally speaking out to a counsellor about my thoughts has helped tremendously and I'm finally unweaving the web of uncertainty. 

I now believe that Peter is autistic with narcissistic traits. I don't believe that he is a full-blown narcissist. It's thanks to one of the admins of the Cassandra group that I can now understand it better. She put it to me that you can have narcissistic traits and not have narcissistic personality disorder. I was confused because I was seeing so many narcissistic traits in Peter and yet I know that he's autistic and I know that a huge side of him wants to please me still. Which sounds like I'm contradicting myself when I've written so many posts about his obstinate behaviour. It's extremely complex. 

The best way to describe it is that he wants to make me cups of tea to please me, but if I dare snatch away his independence by expecting him to parent when he doesn't feel like it, then he hates me. 

It makes sense that he inherited his autism from his father (his mother's enabler) and from his mother, he learned to be narcissistic. Thing is, when people have autism, all that is familiar becomes right and factual. Peter is gaslighted by his mother's narcissism because of his own disability. Her manipulation is quite powerful in this circumstance, as not only does she have vindictive charm and emotional deceit on her side, she has Peter and his father's unquestionable loyalty and lack of theory of mind to ever hold her to account for anything at all. She'll know this too.

Peter's loyalty will always be to the FOO (family of origin) and I will always be the rebel who came along casting shadows and doubts and speaking out about things not being right. His mother likely also has ADHD which adds an extra layer of victimhood to her profile. I am trained to spot neurodivergent traits and I also refer children for testing; as no child I've referred has ever left with no diagnosis on referral, I'm pretty confident in my ability to spot these signs. His mother is extremely disorganised, struggles to keep still, everything is at a million miles an hour. There is a common family saying: she can't help it. His autistic father has always taken the lead, taken control, but his anxiety shows through his anger, impatience and frustration. She antagonises his reactions, to cause him shame, which makes him give more. Just like Peter does with me.

Peter is still a lost child.

Drowning in his obligation to please and appease his mother, frightened to make any life decisions without the validation and agreement from his father, still very much emotionally enmeshed within their closed circle. 

Then, there's his sister.

She was always different. She spoke to me openly about the dysfunction; told me that she knew "something isn't right with mum." But, I saw, in time, how she played on the same victimhood as her mother did and still does, Peter and his father bailing her out of every mistake, every disappointment. His Dad always in the driving seat of her life; Peter, ready to save her. When her brother met someone who is independent, free thinking, organised and self-driven, what happened? 

Envy. Then came the secret harassment of me online; the screenshotting; the anonymous posts on my blog. Because she has been nurtured by dysfunction and toxicity; she begins growing into a future narcissist. 

Peter sees his sister in a similar light to his mum; these perceptions are unchanging. The perceptions have kept him safe since he was a young boy. Little changes in Peter's life. Change frightens him. He was always such a good boy for being so caring of his little sister and for Peter, this narrative must stay the same. This is a man who still stands up to wipe his bottom when he goes to the toilet, just like our 4 year old does. 

Most of us reassess our friendships, the place we call home, our jobs, the cars we drive, the places we go as we navigate our way through the various chapters of life. Men with autism don't do this.

They cling on for sameness.

I'm his enemy. I like change; variety, colour. I like to grow, comminicate, challenge things and so I threaten all that keeps him "safe" in his mind. This is what is so sad about autistic people growing up in dysfunctional homes; the toxicity never goes away and it spreads its tentacles because they often don't have the capacity to stop it. It's difficult for me not to feel compassion for Peter at times, but I've learned not to allow my compassion for him to engulf my own self respect. 

I carry this huge burden now. Knowing that I'm the only one left who can stop it; hoping that my own children don't suffer. I'm not perfect either, I'm still re-parenting myself after my own dysfunctional upbringing. They say it takes a village to raise children, but when your village is corrupt, there's only one person left.