It hasn't felt like my finest hour and at first, I was mad at myself for having to rely on him, but it has given me yet another perspective on this roller coaster ride of healing the life I've had with him.
It is the school holidays and although the first week played out well in terms of the childcare divide, the second week hasn't gone quite so well. I decided that it would be a good time to get proactive and begin redecorating the house in preparation for sale, however I am struggling with my lower back- to the point that I had to stop painting half way through as I could barely stand up. My children are young and very dependent, I believe that my eldest daughter has ASD and they can't just be left to occupy themselves for any length of time. I am constantly having to choose between getting stuff done and giving them my attention. This week, I couldn't do either.
Peter is practical and likes to serve in the practical sense- sounds great? It is, unless you also expect love, intimacy and connection and then you're going to be disappointed. However, in a practical crisis, Peter is incredibly helpful.
My Dad is alcohol dependent, my mum lives a couple of hundred miles away, I don't speak to my abusive brother anymore (amazing the toxicity that clears when you decide to leave these men) and my friends have their own families and shit going on! Peter is free and happy to help. And, other than Peter, there is quite literally nobody else that I can call on.
He's been at the house helping me over the last few days as a result and if I'm honest, he's done an incredible job this week. I feel grateful. Of course, this is his house too and he's also responsible for the maintenance of it even though he isn't living here anymore, but he's juggled the decorating whilst caring for the kids so I could rest; he's folded my washing, made my bed, cooked for me. I realise that I've needed Peter in my life for many years because of the support I don't have from others around me, from my wider family. It made me think that if Peter is willing to support me, being willing to accept the support can only make my life easier.
The big question however is whether I can tolerate having Peter in my life as a practical help when I need it, whilst switching off my emotions. Having no emotional expectations at all of him? Can I accept a huge change in dynamic? I just don't know. I'm human at the end of the day, not a robot. My life is better, easier with Peter's practical help, but I feel as though I'd be allowing myself to settle for a handy man, even if he doesn't live here anymore. Part of me feels that this is exactly the relationship that Peter wanted in the first place. But does that matter? If it helps me too?
Would allowing Peter to remain in my life as a regular, practical support hinder any future romantic happiness that I may find with someone else? Will I ever move on if I don't sever these ties once and for all?
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