At the weekend, Peter and I had discussions around reconciliation and I apologised for sometimes, the way I speak to him and my anger towards him. Peter refused to apologise for anything at all, stating that the problem is me. As a result, I then put an end to any further discussion around reconciliation.
He informed me that he had showed some his friends some messages I'd sent him. Peter told me that his friends were shocked and said to him that their wives don't send the sorts of messages that I do. This helped him form the conclusion that I am the real problem. I asked him if he had explained to his friends the gravity of his dismissiveness, neglect, apathy, mockery and antagonism towards me in the context of these messages and he responded:
"Oh yeh, I told them I'm a pain to live with."
Only "pain to live with" doesn't scratch the surface does it?
In my journal this morning, I wrote about how all this has made me feel and I think the following clinches it. "I know that some of the things I've said and done to Peter could be perceived as abusive, but I have only had two options in this relationship until very recently-
1) To fall into a deep depression
2) Fight back
I always chose the latter because falling into a pit of depression where there are two young children to care for just isn't an option."
Due to Peter's alexythmia, I've had to learn to be extremely firm with him- it is the only way that he would ever listen to me. I have hated it. I always asked him, why do you only pay attention when I shout or become exasperated, or speak down to you like a child? His response? "Don't know." Yet, Peter is now insulted that I've spoken to him in this way and he now has friends and family to back him up and tell him how horrible I am. Peter has caused this and now, he is the victim- he's very much like Eeyore. In some descriptions of covert narcissism, the "eeyore persona" is actually listed as a symptom.
He would repeatedly do the same things I'd asked him not to without a care in the world. At one point, I resorted to sending him photographic evidence of mess he created for me to clean up in the house, because he literally needed to "see" it to believe it. He would blatantly deny anything otherwise and I'd feel like I was going crazy. He hated the photographs and said I was trying to ruin his day.
I recently shared this information in a relationships forum, that I sometimes used to take photographs of his mess and dirt and got annihilated by other women for being abusive. "Just have a normal conversation" they retorted.
If only I'd given that a try...
He persistently denied my reality if it didn't fit with a version of the truth that he felt comfortable with. He told me I was imagining things and never apologised when I proved him wrong; he would tell me how his friends wives were better people because they didn't expect as much from their husbands; how some womens' husbands worked away, they coped with their babies alone, why couldn't I? How the problem was my mother for not doing enough to care for OUR children; he told me how he pitied me for needing his support.
If I asked him to go up, he would always go down; he would outwardly agree to things and then sabotage them so they couldn't happen; he would obsess over the white goods in the kitchen, but create more work for me in the process by continuing to use them if they were broken, or he would use the washing machine during the night when I was sleeping and create extra drying/folding/putting away for me when I had other things to do, because when he did it everything was creased.
He was always on his own agenda which was never communicated to me, he would punish me through sulking and silent treatment. He would disregard my need for connection and make himself busy after telling me we would spend time together; he would leave me when I was poorly and accuse me of being ill on purpose if it sabotaged his personal agenda because he needed to be with the children. He quietly resented me and treated me with silent contempt for years. I never knew where I stood; I felt confused, unstable and insecure in my relationship with him. Always on edge; always in the dark.
As a result, I was sometimes, what many people might consider, abusive. I would swear at him, shout and send pissed off messages like this one:
"You need to stop meddling with the washing unnecessarily it's coming across as weirdly antagonistic and it makes me really dislike you. It's odd Peter. Is there a reason you HAVE to interfere with the washing in some way shape or form? I am starting to think you really do need psychological help for it. I have spoken to you about this countlese times because you are creating more and more work for me. This is draining now. I've had enough!"
Then last week, I spoke to him about taking on more responsibility for our family, despite being separated. He reluctantly agreed and then challenged me about something else in retaliation. I called him a "mummy's boy" for not wanting to be more responsible and said that he could just "run back home to his childhood bedroom like a loser." Reading this, I can see that it's an abusive thing to say. This reaction however is not born of a need to control, to coerce or put him down, it is born of intense frustration and exhaustion and devastation at being made invisible for so long. Also, showing anger is the only way that Peter will sit up and listen to me. It's a sad state of affairs.
Of course most wives don't send messages like these or say cruel things. This is because their husbands don't have fascinations with their washing machine or run back to their childhood bedrooms rather than work at their marriages. I've hated myself for the way I've been; I've had an extra rebellious child for years, one that in the eyes of his friends, is a nice, helpful guy. I have been living with Hyde. Everything is a calculation, a game of monopoly to him, but all I've ever wanted is to work as a team and love each other. My passion has been turned to anger.
And I hate it.
I have to live with and heal from the way I've been in this relationship, in addition to healing from the hurt he's caused. I don't like myself and I don't like the way I've had to survive. Because he refused to work on himself, I have been forced into negative change to keep a family together, to be a mum. Until recently, I had no choice to keep this family together, despite the misery because I've had nowhere to go and no other support around me. Now that both children are in school, I can work more, earn more and mother a bit less. I am not trapped anymore. I think Peter has felt very comfortable in my entrapment, knowing that my choices were limited and that he could get away with ignoring my every need.
I realise now that my anger was often really his- he used me to express it. He would create uncomfortable situations that would drag on for days until I'd erupt and then he'd be happy again. I recently read a blog post (I can seem to find it) which explains how some types of men will often create situations of tension through uncommunicated agendas which their wives have failed to meet and then needle their wives until they express his repressed anger. This is then followed by relief and lightness from the man who instigated the tension in the first place. This has been my experience with Peter.
I imagine that some people could read this post and think... ah, she's just blaming him for her abusive behaviour. That's what abusers do! And I'd understand it. I just hope that some women out there fall upon this post and resonate, knowing that they're not alone. That sometimes, female abuse towards a male can be a survival mechanism when you're living with a man who traps you into misery because deep down, he is threatened by your happiness.
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