Last week I had a full-blown mental health crisis following a conversation with Peter, whereby the mutual agenda of the conversation was completely over-thrown by his own uncommunicated purpose.
I was then met with pedantics, accusations, gaslighting, had the tables turned on me and I was completely and utterly confused at the direction that the conversation took. We should literally have been talking about a way forward with regards to the separation and instead, another agenda was brought into play and decisions given to me, then taken away from me, then denial that he had taken them away from me.
Afterwards, I brought the pre-agreed mutual agenda back into play and I was left heart broken by his response, which he then revoked and denied saying yet again.
Our relationship has been hanging in the balance following on from discussions around whether or not we had anything to salvage after we spent two nights together recently. He did not want to discuss this and instead, his agenda had been forced upon him and us by his family of origin and their pressurised expectations. However, I could not give him a decision until we had discussed the future of our relationship; it would be impossible even, but he had pigeon holed the two agendas and demanded my response first, proclaiming them to be completely unrelated. Amazing how assertive he can be when under the pressure and influence of The FOO.
I was given the option of attending a family wedding three hours away, then not given the option, then given it again with conditions to accompany the children with him. The conditions were to go but remain invisible in the hotel room during the wedding itself, to go unnoticed so not to upset his narcissistic mother and deranged sister.
It all made perfect sense to Peter.
He was amazed at my upset reaction.
"I have no idea why you're so upset" he retaliated with an exasperated huff. I explained until I was blue in the face but Peter didn't WANT to understand and this is key with these men. They don't seek to understand anything which they perceive as an inconvenience to them personally. Like toddlers, they have to get their own way.
He left after asking me for a hug and me telling him absolutely not and there had been no solutions, no discussion really, no understandings. Nothing. I sat in silence for around 30 minutes after he left, just staring into space in disbelief at this man who clearly feels no emotional responsibility to me whatsoever. The conversational tactics that I had been at the receiving end of were also, undoubtedly narcissistic tools.
My head felt like mush.
And when I went to bed, I lay awake stressing over a single word that he had used which he said I'd repeated wrongly during our discussion. He accused me of "initiating" our rekindled relationship over recent weeks and I had used "instigated" instead when I repeated his words back to him. This gave him a foundation for factual denial at ever having accused me of being the instigator of our rekindled feelings for each other. And yet, this man had been reaching out to me for weeks: touching me, saying nice things, cups of tea, hugs. But because I gave in and allowed him to stay over, he was now blaming me and basically implying that any confusing feelings we both have now are my fault. It was awful. He obviously realised that this was wrong half way through his horrendous accusation and was able to backtrack and deny based on me using the wrong word very slightly when repeated back to him. Like mental monopoly.
What happened next was a huge dip in my state of wellbeing and mental health. Two days later, I was unable to function, unable to leave my bed, unable to tend to my children and in a very low, depressed and volatile state. Peter came over to make breakfast for the children and I alluded to him that I did not wish to be here anymore. He said nothing, seemed inconvenienced by my dysfunctional state and called his dad to take the children to school before going in to work as normal. I went back to bed. He never messaged to check in on me during the day; he showed zero concern. I imagine he worked with very little thought for me that day, probably had his usual coffee break in the tea room with his usual crowd, laughing at the usual jokes. Great guy, Peter. Always likes a laugh. Poor guy though, his missus, chucking him out like that. What a bitch. The crazy bitch wh was off sick from work with a broken heart and depression whilst he carried on as normal.
After calling my mum for help, I was seen by the mental health team. They advised space from Peter to enable the confusing thoughts in my mind to calm. I called Peter to tell him that he was not to enter my space anymore to see the children, that he is only to see the children at his parents' house. I've wanted to avoid this outcome because of his mother's nasty influence on my daughter, but I reached a point where I didn't really have a choice.
He has since mocked the words of the professionals "well you need space from me don't you, the PROFESSIONALS said, didn't they?" He repeats to me in a condescending tone. My counsellor told me he's doing that through anger and she said to me.
"From the behaviour you describe in him, his reactions towards you, he's a very, very angry man."
This hadn't occurred to me and yet it made perfect sense. Of course he is. That's his whole fucking problem isn't it?
He's an angry man.
Angry for all the wrong reasons which is why he uses passive aggressive behaviour instead: mocking, condescending, gaslighting. He is angry when things don't go his way.
And that's when I said to her:
"I wish he'd just hit me."
She nodded and said "yeh, I completely understand." Because instead we're dealing with secretive, vindictive, snidey, underhand, manipulative abuse which is silent and hides beneath the kind, gentle exterior that they present to everyone else.
I wish he'd leave a mark on my skin, so that I can see the abuse, because then, what is there to question?
I'm feeling much better after a week of space from him and his mind fuckery. I have been able to enjoy the simple things in life over the last few days: walks, a swim, music, TV. So I know I'm on the mend. But I also know that there are still conversations to be had and I dread them. When communication is used as a foundation for mental and emotional abuse, it leaves us extremely limited and nothing is able to move forward without further risk to our sense of wellbeing. We mustn't ever underestimate the impact of this abuse.
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