When only seeing is believing

One thing I've observed about Peter, is that he doesn't appear to acknowledge things that are happening, unless he can see them too. 

I remember a friend telling me years ago how her then boyfriend had been diagnosed with some form of neurodivergence as a child and that his mother used to put a plaster on her head to show that she had a headache. Without the plaster, the headache just didn't exist to him.

Professionals say that people with autism are highly visual and I wonder if our non-committal men struggle to see anything which doesn't take place right infront of their eyes. It's important to acknowledge of course that not all men with autism behave the way that our men do. I believe that a combination self-consuming, regulation-seeking traits of autism, a lack of emotional nurturing growing up and perhaps a genetic predisposition to narcissistic tendencies has created the man I know to be Peter. A bit of ego and male privilege thrown in and you have a concoction made for relationship misery. 

I know that some men will openly complain to their wives that they should be doing more during the day time when they're working and their women are child-rearing. I never really had that from Peter, instead I got flippant remarks when I complained to him that I was finding the physical, mental and emotional load of family draining. I was never allowed to complain because Peter had inner beliefs about my role in the family unit and it was clear from the comments, sulking and silent treatment I was given, that he didn't think that I was pulling my weight. 

He commented that he did "all the cleaning" because I asked him to vacuum once a week. The cleaning I did, which took place when he was out working, just never happened in his mind. Before he moved out, he would make breakfast for the children each morning and ensure they were dressed for the day. I knew at the time that he was resentful- a lack of eye contact, no hug or kiss in the morning, arguing with the children, crying from them and a sullen look on his face will tell you that, but he didn't say anything. Until one day he complained that he did "everything" in the mornings. I found myself listing all of the other things I did: their hair, clearing up after breakfast, getting bags ready, coats and shoes on, the mile long walk to school with them in all weathers. But because he had already left the house for work by this time and never saw any of it, he genuinely felt that he was "doing everything." He resented my morning showers, the time I spent drying my hair, getting dressed and applying make-up. Around 45 minutes in total. 

Then there was the cooking.

He cooked once or twice a week, all other meals were prepared by me and often ready by the time he got home. This wasn't through any request of his, he just happened to walk in at the time I liked to eat our evening meal. Peter was convinced that he did 50% of the cooking. I would even show him the meal planner and point out which meals I had made and which he had (also feeling a little immature for doing so but seeking out some form of acknowledgement and appreciation from him) but it made little difference. As always, Peter was stuck within the confines of his convictions.

Illnesses were always contentious issues as they got in the way of his plans. I was accused of planning intentionally to be ill when Peter had made other plans outside of family life. The anxiety of becoming ill when Peter had plans started making me ill. Little did I realise that I was run down by an undiagnosed autoimmune condition at the time and coupled with breastfeeding and sleep deprivation, I was often ill and needed support at weekends, instead our young, clingy children were lumbered upon me when I needed a break. He treated me like some glorified live-in babysitter. 

Sometimes, when I was probably feeling very low and unworthy, I think I believed Peter's perception of me as lazy. He never said it, but made me feel that way because he never acknowledged anything I did or thanked me for it and any expectations I had of him seemed to induce sulking. I was sleep deprived, nutrient deprived, love deprived and I needed more rest than I was getting, but I always felt guilty for it. All of these deprivations were invisible in Peter's world so I am sure he just thought I was taking advantage of him. Perhaps he knew his thoughts were cruel deep down which is why he never voiced them, but he certainly showed them anyway, loud and clear. 

Of course every couple has arguments about lack of support, needing more rest and it can become a point scoring exercise at times even for the happiest of couples. But our men are different, they simmer in entitlement and resentment and don't see what we're contributing to family life every day and they certainly don't want to discuss it. The emotional strain, the mental exhaustion and the practicalities which they just don't see because they're not interested enough to know. As cassandras, we are invisible to them. The work we do doesn't exist in their minds. 

Feminists are working hard to change the exploitative attitudes that some men have of women, mothers, carers. However, seeing women in their truth is of no benefit to our men at all and do they ever change their perceptions if it doesn't benefit them to do so? The only motivation for really acknowledging and appreciating what we bring to our families would be for a healthy marriage or relationship; is this really high on their priority list? I doubt it. So they continue choosing to be blind to us because ultimately, it is easier for them to not see.

When words always fail

During a session with my therapist this week, she explained to me that Peter appears to be stuck in his own convictions. She said that this is the reason that my words always seem to fail with him and that they will likely always fail. 

Any ideas, issues or opinions which challenge Peter's stringent beliefs will be cast aside, mocked, ridiculed or completely ignored. This presents like arrogance. Perhaps it is arrogance, ignorance or possibly both. Maybe simply, a fear of being wrong. 

I will always be stuck where conversations with Peter are concerned because he is in my life forever. We have had disagreements over the welfare of the children this week and he would not listen to, empathise or take my concerns seriously. I can never walk away properly because we have children together and it feels I have a lifetime ahead of me of being unheard and ignored for the sake of blind, pig ignorance. 

I strongly believe that love is an action, a choice to commit, to listen, to empathise even if you can't understand or feel something yourself. Love is a decision to always be there and to always be on your side. Despite the mind blindness of men like Peter, I can't help thinking that a commitment of love could have been made if they had wanted to make it. These men were betraying us from the moment they made a choice to shut down on us. Once married, or where there are children involved and you are as good as married, a decision has been made to stand together as a team and to work through the inevitable challenges of life together. Turning on the other spouse as opposed to supporting them is not a marriage or a partnership. The moment a decision is made not to support the other one, we're as good as divorced. And if they emotionally divorce us so easily, then why do they hold on to us? 

I think we are commodities, possessions and little more to these men eventually. Innate mysoginy runs deep. This week, Peter sent me a link to a website about "high conflict personality disorder" to view in light of myself. I could see some elements of myself within the description so I asked my therapist what she thought having seen her for the last five years. She told me that this is the sort of thing that mysoginistic men send to women who dare to speak up about injustices or concerns. We are labelled "high conflict."

Until Peter met me, he was mostly left alone to do as he pleased. He has had very little expectation placed upon him; he has been sheltered from responsibility. And then I arrived with all of my demands for him to contribute fairly and equally to the mental, practical and emotional load of family life and I am "high conflict." He sees me challenge the childrens' school if they put them in a class separate to their friends and I am "high conflict." Or when I ask the neighbours to turn down their music on a weekday evening when it is keeping the children awake I am "high conflict." When I dare to raise a discrepancy at work, there I am being "high conflict" again, all whilst Peter sits back and allows life to wash over him as he floats along idly toying with his special interests. When men do challenge injustice are they portrayed as "high conflict" or dramatic? No, because we live in a world where males are privileged. Take a man like ours who don't challenge the status quo because it suits them and us women are always at a heavy disadvantage.

Words will always be lost where there are challenges, emotions or problems which drive them because these men did not marry us to be partners and equals, they married us to soak up all of life's challenges for them so that they can then turn around and blame us for attracting all the drama. These men are lazy and they strategise it. We are supposed to support their laziness and unwillingness to engage assertively with day to day life. It's not that they aren't capable of hearing us, they just choose not to, because our words don't support their selfish ends. 

Anyone who is living this type of existance with a man and is considering divorce ought to know that their husband already divorced them a long time ago. 

My therapist is correct. My words will always fail on Peter, because I symbolise little more than drama, hard work, challenges and problems. He is deflecting before I even open my mouth. In so many ways and areas of my life, words are my power and my passion and if they strip the power of our words away from us, are we left with any power at all? 

The Hidden Beliefs of a Man Like Peter

I think I lived with Peter long enough to realise that, not only was he not the man I met, but the man I lived with completely contradicted the man he presented himself to be. He was infact the total opposite of who I thought he was in the beginning. It's not difficult to understand why his friends and work colleagues likely paint me out to be the villain in our separation.

Beliefs can be extremely limiting when they are never challenged or when they fail to adapt to new situations, new people. A lacking theory of mind can mean that toxic, limiting beliefs become ingrained, although during periods of social masking, it would appear that men like Peter can be agreeable in a bid to be liked. I struggle to see that men like Peter have a "disorder" that can be switched on and off to suit himself. His reputation is everything to him. Sometimes, I worry how he might react if he ever fell upon this blog, because he does not cope well with being outed. It is a concern of mine.

I think I have picked up on many of the true beliefs which form the basis of who Peter really is on the inside. These beliefs have not been communicated, but have rather played out infront of me, his beliefs have happened to me a lot more than were verbalised. Peter could easily deny this entire list and I'm very sure that he would do. I'm not even sure that his self awareness is capable of acknowledging what is really at his core. He wants to be SEEN as right and good. But does he want to BE good? Does he separate the two?

These are the beliefs which I experienced, or were implied by Peter. Most of them, completely unsaid:

-Only slim women are beautiful. 

-Stretch marks and saggy skin after pregnancy is unattractive.

-My free time is more important than her free time.

-She gets loads of free time because she only works part-time.

-Her job is much easier than mine.

-I shouldn't have to share my money with her because she only works part-time.

-She doesn't earn enough money.

-Her parents don't even make much effort with her, so why should I make an effort if they don't?

-Her mother doesn't do enough for my children. She should do more so I get more free time when she visits.

-Her trying to keep the children safe and healthy ruins everything.

-I'd prefer to be out with my mates than with my family.

-Her work isn't as important as mine.

-She needs to remember when important meetings occur at my work and plan for them, whilst her meetings are not important, she can probably just not go to her meetings. Afterall, she's part-time!

-She spends money unnecessarily on healthy food. 

-I cook and clean just as much, if not more than she does- she makes me do it.

-It's her choice to spend her free time cooking and cleaning, she doesn't get to choose for me to spend my free time doing the same!

-Sometimes, she pretends she's ill on purpose so that I can't go out and enjoy myself.

-She overreacts when the children are poorly. If she just let them get better on their own, they'd be fine.

- she is intolerant of my mother who just can't help the way she is.

-she doesn't like anybody so she is the problem.

-She just needs to choose to be happier.

- When she wants sex it makes me not want sex.

-I like watching other people have sex on TV more than having sex myself.

-I'm too lazy to have sex.

-I don't like planning anything with her because it might deviate from me doing what I want to do so it's better not to commit or communicate.

-When she shouts at me, she's being unreasonable, I don't like her anymore when she's angry with me.

-she's so needy.

- She should do more to help me with the children.

-She has too many opinions.

-She's a feminist who hates men.

-She's cruel to men.

-She complains too much.

-She just wants to change me and have everything all her own way.

-She's controlling.

- I don't want to rely on her, I prefer to rely on my Dad.

-I didn't want to marry her because she's nasty to me.

-If I marry her, one day she'll take all my parents money which they have worked hard for and belongs to me.

-She is the problem.

-She has convinced professionals that I have ASD when I do not.

-I hate her for telling people we know about our lives.

-She just needs to stop complaining and put up with stuff better.

- I don't want to make an effort with my appearance or my behaviour because she's trying to control me. 

-When she wants to have a conversation what she really means is that she wants an argument.

-My mates wives are much nicer than she is.

-My mates have more money than me because their wives accept that they shouldn't have to share their money. 

-My mates wives don't ask as much of my mates as she asks of me.

-She tries to stop me doing things with my mates because she's jealous.

-She thinks that she does much more for the home and children than she actually does. 

- She should speak nicely and politely to me all the time.

-She just needs to get some hobbies.

-I pity her (was once communicated).

-I'd have more money if it wasn't for her.

-Spending time with the children together is quality time, she doesn't need any more time with me. 

-I don't like that she's accused my sister of trolling her online so she must be lying.

-She tells lies because she wants to be mean and for me to turn against my own family. 

-She is being awkward when she won't look after the children on my set days with them.

-She can't expect me to look after the children on her set days because set days were her idea. 

-She doesn't care how important motorsports is to me. 

-She is selfish by not caring for the children on her own more so that I can do my hobbies. 

-She needs me more than I need her.

-My main hobby is much more of a priority than anything she might like to do because I've done it all my life with my Dad. 

-She's unreasonable to expect me to prioritise special occasions over my hobby.

-She's a selfish brat.

-If she chooses to spend money on Christmas presents for the children then that's up to her, nothing to do with me. 

-If she chooses to arrange playdates for the children, that's up to her, I don't see why it should affect me.

-If she chooses for us to socialise with other families, that's her decision not mine, so nothing to do with me. 

-Her friends aren't as important as mine.

-My friends are better than hers.

-If people are poor, it's their fault. Why should anyone else have to provide for them?

- It's not fair if her and the children eat treats without me. I need to to ensure that I eat as many treats as they do.

-I shower every day so if I smell, that's not my problem. There's nothing more I can do about it.

-Clothes, haircuts and toiletries are a waste of money.

- I need to correct her stories because she tells them wrong.

-I have to make her look small so people don't like her more than me.

-She can't be happier than I am.

-She doesn't deserve to be too happy.

Living Plan B

When I discovered that I was pregnant with Peter's child just months into dating, I didn't get the opportunity to give Plan B much thought. Plan A already felt like a massive upheaval so working out how to untangle our newly wound up lives together was an unthinkable task.

Pregnancy was a shock to the system, but realising that Peter would be in my life for the rest of my life was difficult to get my head around. I remember just telling myself over and over "this has to work." I had nothing else to fall back on: no supportive family circle; I didn't own my own house; my better friends were scattered about all over the country and although I had a stable career, my earnings were at the lower end of the threshold. I didn't even allow myself to consider alternative outcomes, because it felt that there was only one suitable option: to move in with and set up family life with Peter as he'd offered to me.

It was only when I began counselling after the birth of our first child that the alternatives were discussed. I remember feeling mortified at a mental health nurse for suggesting that Peter was not treating me well. I was livid. He had saved me, hadn't he? With his stable home, good salary, consistent career, his involved, caring family and his solid circle of unfriendly male friends who all seemed to like him. Peter had saved me from a lifetime of struggling to pay the rent alone, from single mother-hood, from my unreliable family and alcohol guzzling good time friends. 

I wasn't ready to face up to the truth back then, but as I saw other mental health professionals following my post-natal depression, it became all too clear to me that I'd moved from one group of toxic family members, to another. Years later, a counsellor spoke to me about creating a "fuck off fund." 

"All women need one" she explained. "So that they can get out should they need to, without worrying too much about money. You take money where you can. A bit of cashback at the supermarket, pocketing the change as much as possible." I hadn't ever considered a fuck off fund before and I had no savings either. I just thought that Peter would look after me forever. Did I need a plan B?

The fuck-off-fund never really materialised, but my anger around the true disappointments of living a life and raising a family with Peter arose more and more, until eventually, I furiously ended this farce of a relationship and told him to leave a year ago.  

Still, a large, naive piece of me hangs on to the hope that Peter will see the error of his ways, his parents' ways, his sister's ways, that he'll associate himself with less chauvinists and reappear as the man I'd envisioned him as when our pregnancy journey first began. I still can't quite let go of the notion of "this HAS to work." I guess it's part of the reason that we continue our family day trips and the reason I haven't pushed for the sale of the family home which will ultimately give me more freedom and autonomy from Peter. But, I also hold on to a family unit in a bid to protect the children from his emotional neglect, from his lack of danger awareness, from his family and because I want to keep my young children close. It's an unconventional set up that we have, but being away from my children 50% of the week was never in my plan and I never want it to be. 

I find myself asking, how bad does it need to get for me to finally call it a day once and for all? Is a perpetual joyless, spirit sucking low level misery not enough? Am I awaiting his infidelity? Worse? Even after endless years of therapy, it seems I still battle low self esteem. I worry how hard I'd push for family life to continue, despite him recklessly ripping it apart. I often think to myself that if things with Peter were really bad, like if he was physically abusive, then the red flags would force this separation permanently. The problem is that his red flags are only ever at half mast at most. That shouldn't really be a problem though, should it?

If he died, I'd have no choice but to live out Plan B more consistently and with more certainty, so why am I still holding on to Plan A? Part of me still feels a little traumatised that Plan A has needed to come to an end at all, after all those years of telling myself that it HAD to work out. Would I eventually opt for a permanent Plan B if he beat me senseless or cheated? Or would I still be holding on to this illusion of a family life? It worries me sometimes what I might put up with to protect my children from a more fixed separation of two homes and two lives. How bad would it need to get for me to cut my losses indefinitely? 

Either way, this life is not the Plan A that we initally created together. I spend my evenings alone whilst the children are sleeping, worrying about intruders and fires and whether or not I'd wake up in time. This isn't the Peter who promised me forever, or promised forever to my dying grandfather on his death bed either. The words and actions rarely seem to align. I am living Plan B whether I like it or not. My bed is empty, he is absent from our children when they wake most mornings, i wouldn't have imagined he'd ever have been comfortable with that. I always have to cook AND wash up, it's me who orders AND puts the groceries away. I put the bins out, I pick up the dog poo, I check that all the doors and windows are locked. He's gone. 

Plan B means that he's not as reliable as I thought he was and that me and the children were not his priority afterall. It means paying for domestic help, like cleaners, gardeners and dog sitters; it means that all responsibility has been dumped on my shoulders in return for a burden-free life, supported outwardly by his parents. 

Even a year on, I haven't quite got my head around this. The outcome which I told myself that I must avoid at all costs is upon me. I guess they call it shock or maybe even PTSD. Whether I chose this plan or not, I'm doing it, living it and each day I come to terms with this life more and more. 

"Expect nothing so you won't be disappointed" my grandfather used to say to me and I'm learning to apply this to my new way of life. On the other hand, I'm also learning that some expectations are actually basic, fundamental needs, like love, respect and loyalty and these are expectations that no Plan A should ever have to compromise on. 

The Black Cloud

It's difficult to describe the black cloud which engulfs the time spent with these men. Peter is angry at me, but he can't express it in a productive way, also as his anger is born of his own fear, obligation and guilt towards his narcissistic mother, he is keeping quiet because he knows exactly what I'll have to say about it. She turned on our young daughter again last week, this time telling her "you'll be happier when I'm dead." This was followed by his father shouting at our daughter for standing up to her grandmother and rightly calling out the behaviour as "childish."

I made the decision when he left me, that when his mum decided to replace me (as her narcissistic target) with our children, I would call out the behaviour and stand up to her. And this is what I did. I messaged her and his father to say that this was no way to speak to a child and that I thought she should see a professional for her undiagnosed narcissism to try to limit any further damage to those she cares about. I know that this was blunt of me to say, but I wanted her to know that I know what she is. My message was unsurprisingly ignored by all. No doubt there was lots of advice from flying monkeys to "ignore" my "aggressive" message; I worry that some of this advice probably came from Peter himself, but I'll never know the truth. He does know about the message but has not discussed it with me, instead choosing to operate in an authoritative, cold manner towards me since.

Today, he joined us on a family trip which we take annually. I am still endeavouring to co-parent with Peter in a way which allows us to exist as a family unit from time to time. I believe this is good for the children and in some ways, it does benefit me at times too. Today however, I'm not sure there was a lot of benefit for anyone, because he brought his black cloud along with him. Clearly still seething with me, he spent the day determined to be aloof. 

He of course, had to drive the car, asking for directions from my phone's navigation as and when it suited him, told me to move my phone to different locations around the dashboard, none of them being quite right for him. Then he demanded I turn the navigation off right away because he said he no longer needed it, as if it was about to implode if I didn't switch it off immediately. It all reeked of a need to control, just in the way he spoke to me, if nothing else.

After this, he had an issue with me leaving the dog in the car whilst we ate, so I took the dog out of the car and brought her in to the restaurant with us when there was an issue with me putting her harness on the back of a chair. "Unhygienic" he said  and he stomped off back to the car put it inside.

And when the meals came, I noticed I was missing something off my plate and asked him if he could see the plate of the person sitting behind me on the next table who had ordered the same meal to tell me what was missing so that I could tell the waitress. 

A very sharp response of "No. I am not staring rudely at other peoples meals. You're being ridiculous." 

Ok. 

Then, as we were leaving the restaurant, he of course had to tell me how disappointing his meal was, knowing that the restaurant is a favourite of mine.

This was followed by a journey home in the car and him giving me an abrupt ultimatum that he would drive past the junction for our home if I didn't tell him in 10 seconds which supermarket he should stop at to allow our daughter to use the toilet. 

I'd also borrowed his phone to take photographs during the day's main activity as my phone battery had died suddenly, which led to one hundred repeats of "have you still got my phone?"

No laughter, no smiles, no fun- from him anyway. Just a list of serious, practical requests and adjustments throughout the day. 

"Put the wellingtons in carrier bags..."

"Wipe the dog's paws again..."

"How much have you spent?"

"Can you navigate again?"

"Can you stop navigating now?"

"But I'm not speeding." (After several requests to watch his speed.)

"Which supermarket?"

Despite his protests of:

"No that supermarket is too far away."

"But you need to tell me in the next 10 seconds."

Why bother asking me if you don't want to go there?

A day of endless mundanaeity, suppression and control from Peter in a way that is difficult to describe, but nevertheless, leaves me feeling....flat. 

Jekyll and Hyde

Peter has many traits of ASD and ADHD:

-Black and white thinking.

-Struggles to empathise when the point of view is opposite to his own.

-He has a very awkward gait.

-Bad posture

-Finds it difficult to plan or organise

- Collects things (even rubbish) and can not work out what to throw away or keep.

-He is in constant motion- there is always a part of his body tapping or rocking

- Talks impulsively and at speed

- He becomes obsessed with things and these interchangeable obsessions are all consuming for him

- He can never switch off which impacts his sleeping patterns

- He has severe alexythmia to a point he actually scalds himself in the shower and sleeps with the curtains open in summer.

- He has to be reminded to change and wash his clothes

- He sees little point in caring for his appearance- his hair always needs cutting

- Questionable hygiene

- Always on his own agenda and can not see or consider the needs of others

- Can not prioritise: he cooks a meal and then washes up before eating it

- Very low sex drive

-Highly pragmatic and practical, often can not see or consider emotion.

-Has very blank facial expressions and he rarely smiles, can not give eye contact during emotional discussions. If I ask for eye contact he stares through me

- Socially inappropriate: he tries to be funny but can come across as offensive

- Enmeshed with his family of origin

- Has habits or rituals which are difficult to break. E.g When putting the children to bed, he'd dress them in winter pyjamas in summer because he hadn't thought to change their clothes when the weather got warmer. Seems to operate on autopilot which I've read is a lack of executive functioning.

We've been to four relationship therapists now, neither of them for very long because he would never stick it out. But two have pointed out that Peter has neurodivergent traits. I have known in my heart, my mind and my bones for 9 years that Peter is neurodivergent.

However, I am bamboozled by him, because his executive functioning appears to kick in when he has a strong desire for something. He will manipulate me to get what he wants and will even resort to blackmail. Currently, we are separated and sharing the children on set days, however if an event (linked to his special interest) appears on a day he has the children he plays games to be able to go to the event. 

Firstly, he doesn't tell me about his wish for me to have the children on his day so that he can attend the event until a few days before, but he only ever reveals a small amount of information about what he wants from me. So he'll say "could you take the girls to their swimming lesson on Saturday so that I can go to this event?" As swimming is only an hour, I might say yes. Then Friday evening comes along and he will send me a message: "I'll drop them off at 8am tomorrow morning and see them on Sunday," when swimming isn't until 1pm. I'll say no, swimming is at 1pm, I have plans in the morning (often washing clothes cleaning the family home that I am now solely responsible for!) . I'll ask him what he thinks he's doing sending me this message and he will say "I told you about it." By giving only part of the information, he knew I'd say yes and now he has me trapped. "I bought my ticket for £50! I've arranged things with my Dad now! You always try to get between me and my hobby!"

See what he's doing? This scenario in some way, shape or form plays out on probably, a monthly basis. Last week, a similar scenario occurred around a work commitment he had. But again, he only revealed one element of what he required from me to support him, which meant that again, I had to change my plans at the last minute. Again, I was supposed to "know" how long this meeting would last and that it would overlap into the childrens' bedtimes.

Then, he ramps it up: I tell him that I have plans, no I will not take the children earlier than the time of their swimming lesson. He will argue about how I should "know" how long these events are I should "know" he'll be leaving early in the morning. None of this has been communicated to me and he appears to think that I am just as interested in the timings of his events as he is. He obviously would never not go to the event and lose his £50, so he then says "fine, there are tickets left, the children will have to come with me."

And just like that, he wins.

Because he knows that I care for the children's welfare much more than he does. He knows I don't want them going three hours away to a motorsports event in the freezing rain, and not returning home until after midnight, he knows that I'll have to face the repercussions of tired, ill children the following day. He knows I care more than he does about how they'll perform at school for the entire week afterwards. It's me who will have to comfort all the tears and meltdowns. So I have to agree. 

This confuses me, because the same tact is used time and time again with him and it feels manipulative, it is also blackmail. The flip side of this is that when I give him more notice and ask him to have the children on my set day with him, he reminds me "you said we needed to keep to set days." He plays the system to work for him every time and uses my own coherent, clear communication to ensure that he gets what he wants and I don't. It's manipulative.

On the outside, Peter is a kind, gentle, considerate man. He will always help people if they ask for it; he'll go above and beyond. He'll help me too. When I'm poorly, he'll come and walk my dog or make me a meal. But, then there is this manipulative side of him, which appears when there's something he wants and he doesn't care about anyone else provided he gets it. This is where Peter's neurodivergence confuses me: due to a lack of execution functioning, people with ASD struggle to be manipulative. But, Peter is able to flick the switch on as and when he needs to. He's also very good at board games and card games: poker, chess. Where you have to strategise and employ tact, this must require a huge degree of executive functioning? I can't help thinking that Peter's lack of communication in all areas of our relationship is much more than an accident, but a strategy. And here is me being clear and coherent with him, telling him my moves before I move my pieces, so he always wins. 

Covert narcissists have a Jekyll and Hyde persona, they put on a front to the outside world whilst emotionally draining the people who are closest to them. This is also my experience of Peter. He can be my most helpful allie, but he will turn on me at the threat of him not getting what he wants from me exactly when he wants it. It flaws me emotionally every time.

I find myself wondering, who is Peter? This clumsy, gentle, helpful, non-offensive, probably neurodivergent man who is able to manipulate, blackmail, strategise, control, reduce me to tears and leave me feeling so trapped? Beneath the soft exterior, I often sense a callous, resentful, selfish man who can not be trusted with my heart. And perhaps, I can not really trust him with anything at all. 

The Victorian-esque Parenting of an Emotionally Unavailable Man

English Victorians were a stoic bunch; they believed strongly in minding ones own business; they were serious, non-emotional and the upperclasses prided themselves on rationality. 

I see similar traits in Peter and his parents, in some ways. They will mind their own business to an extent by never sharing their own negative business, but I've always been certain that they revel in gossip. However, they will never gossip about their own children or their personal lives, treating them as an extension of themselves far, far into adulthood. 

I had to think long and hard about how to write this post, how to word it, how to get my point across. Firstly, I don't believe that any parents should interfere in their adult child's relationship unless there is danger or harm being incurred. Then, I find myself thinking, at the same time, that perhaps there are instances where an adult child's parent should have a word or two with their own child. To direct them onto the  path of giving and sharing in marriage and parenting.

Relationships and raising families don't come easily to our men, what is natural for most, needs instruction for others. Our men are so used to prioritising and pleasing themselves, thinking of another human's needs before their own is a foreign concept for them.

I discovered during my relationship with Peter, when I was on better terms with his sister, that conversations had taken place between his mother and sister about his inner selfishness. They were aware of it. But they never said anything TO him about it. I find myself wondering, if he'd had some direction, some "parenting" in the verb-sense, from his family about how priorities change when you have children, how you can't down tools when children are poorly and skulk off to tinker with car engines for the day. How sometimes, plans have to change. How WE have to change. Would our lives have been better? He looks up to his father, which is obvious to all and the one person who could have imparted a wise sentence or two which would undoubtedly have impacted on Peter and our lives for the better, is him. 

Instead, his father advises him on what to spend his money on, on the practicalities of caravanning. But he has never once shared wisdom on his role in raising a family. I see this as missed opportunity, missed change, missed impact which could have made all our lives better. Peter's father has always prioritised family above all; is there a reason he didn't nurture his son into doing the same? Am I being idealistic to imagine his father putting an arm around him and saying "you have a family now son...?" Or is this sort of openness just for the movies?

I remember Peter's father once telling me how unnerved he'd felt in a car with Peter once due to his fast driving. It was rare for his father to share anything with me, so this came as a surprise. "Did you not think to just ask him to slow down?" I said. The answer seemingly obvious to me. 

"No" he responded.

Peter currently lives with his parents and scoops up the best parts of two lives. 

1) Sitting in his adolescent bedroom pleasing himself. 

2) Dipping in and out of family life as we still have family holidays and do family days out together. He also still comes to the house to help with the children (but he obviously then gets to escape again!)

He is living rent free and his parents do not question or  disturb him.

His mother washes his clothes, cleans his sheets and changes his bed. When our children stay with him two nights a week, he has live-in childcare and they accept any request Peter makes of them with regards to practical help. 

He is evidently dipping in and out of two lives and his parents say nothing. Peter has openly told me how no conversations at all have been had about our separation, the future, his plans, nothing. They don't ask him a thing and just accept his double life and his avoidance of responsibility. I know that this is true. They avoid initiating any sort of emotional connection with him whilst continuing to carry out practical tasks at his request. Is this their silent permission to live as he does?

Although of course we have to allow our children to make their own mistakes as they grow and develop, I can't help feeling that there is a significant neglect issue in the imparting of wisdom, emotional connection and direction in their adult child's life. I think of all the wisdom handed down to me by my elders during pregnancy, not meddling, just basic wisdom, kindness, care and love. Yet, in Peter's world, practical interference equals care when emotional connection and nurturing is non-existent. Ironically, both his parents tried to tell me how to parent our first-born, primarily his mother, but they say nothing to Peter. He doesn't get angry, his mental health has always been good, so why not? Why won't they ever confront him or be honest with him about anything? Why do they fear upsetting him? Because he's male?

I see some autistic adolescents who are surrounded by love, connection, empathy from their parents and they show a motivation to grow, develop and mature. They're able to think of the future, create goals and work towards them, they show empathy. These are the parents who sought out a diagnosis for their struggling child in the first place and with the support and guidance as their brain is maturing, wonderful things can happen. 

Peter's father once told me that he'd always realised that Peter was a little different and joked that he'd often wondered if it was his fault for accidentally dropping a mirror on his head when he was young. He then swiftly changed the subject. Another missed opportunity. He knows that professionals have voiced openly that Peter has some sort of "disconnection possibly caused by neurodiversity" and he remains quiet. He knows that Peter has refused any sort of formal diagnosis. And he still remains quiet. He has not at any point, mentioned anything to Peter about his own views.

I spoke to his mother after our second-born came along about my need for more support from Peter, following my autoimmune diagnosis. "Peter's life has changed enough" she said. Why all the pandering? Was she frightened to take away his pleasures and his treats as a child? Was she inflicting her own parental guilt for returning to work when he was three months old onto our lives now? Was she making her mistakes my responsibility? "Peter needs his down time" was another response I got. What about my down time? Little did she realise that I'd been a svelte and sexy party-going, beer guzzling, disco loving career girl pre-Peter and now I had a part-time job, saggy skin, saggy boobs, 3 stone weight gain, a hormonal imbalance, zero social life, blocked milk ducts, shit pension and reduced career prospects. But Peter's life had changed enough because he had reduced his hobby time. His job was the same, he still lived in his home town. I'd moved into his life, his hometown and neglected my plans to live abroad again, but I didn't matter. I was nothing to her. Peter's life had changed enough. Why all the pandering? What was she making up for? Is there a reason why nobody seems to want to upset Peter? The only reasons I can think of for her chronic avoidance of even minorly upsetting her son are fear and guilt. I'll never know the backstory and they'll never know mine because they've never cared to ask. 

I know that they know he's different.

But like Victorian parents, they stay out of Peter's business and stand back, quietly, perhaps approvingly, as he lives his newly found bachelor lifestyle, never saying a word. Maybe they think he's beyond help, or maybe, they're just glad to have him home.